Our House(56)

‘Oh, but we can’t,’ Mike said. ‘I thought we established that last time: you’re inimitable.’ A pause as he relished having pulled off the word. ‘So why don’t I make you an offer: stop the crap and we’ll keep this between the adults.’

I swallowed. My throat was raw from the retching I’d been doing several times daily – any time I tried to eat, basically. ‘What does that mean?’

‘It means we won’t need to involve the kids. How about that?’

‘What?’ My stomach contracted.

‘Leo and Harry, isn’t it? Dog lovers, I’m guessing.’

Of course, he’d seen them at the dog show, if only fleetingly. The thought of his having been close enough to touch them brought bile to my mouth.

‘I’m sure you’d like to keep them safe, wouldn’t you, Bram? So would I, and like I say, that’s my offer.’

‘It’s not an offer, it’s a threat, and you know it.’

‘Interpret it how you like, I’m trying to be nice here. Now, let me remind you what you’re going to do first.’

‘No, I need to know—’

‘Shut the fuck up now, Bram, all right? I want those shots of your wife’s passport photo and signature by the end of the day, do you understand? If they don’t arrive, the evidence from Silver Road goes to the police at nine a.m. tomorrow. I reckon you’ll be arrested before midday, what d’you think? And with you in a police cell, those two boys’ll have only their mum to look out for them. Let’s hope she’s up to the job, eh?’

He hung up, leaving me to swear into a dead line that if he mentioned Fi and the kids one more time I would kill him.


‘Fi’s Story’ > 01:42:33

When Bram asked to drop in on the Monday evening for some documents he needed for the car insurance claim, I reminded him that the file was empty. ‘You took all the paperwork months ago.’

‘I did, but I can’t find the original no-claims certificate from when I switched the policy last year. I must have put it with the house insurance stuff. It won’t take me a minute to find it.’

‘When do you think they’ll pay up?’ I asked him, when he reappeared from the study. It was now two weeks since the Audi had been reported stolen and it had still not been recovered. I’d heard nothing more from the police officer who’d come to the house. ‘Is it like missing persons, a certain period has to pass before you can be declared dead?’

He looked so suddenly, so inexplicably sad, that I reached to put a hand on his arm. Normally, I was careful to avoid physical contact with him, but this was instinctive, almost maternal. ‘I know you loved that car. Leo’s upset too. But we’ll get a new one or, as you suggested, try managing without one for a bit. We could spend the insurance money on something else? You know I want to have the house repainted. It’s been years since we did upstairs. Whatever happens, I’ll definitely need to keep the hire car for the half-term trip to Kent,’ I added. This was a long weekend at Alison’s holiday home on the coast, an end-of-October tradition for mothers and kids now in its fifth year.

‘I didn’t think you’d go to that this year,’ Bram said.

‘Why wouldn’t I?’

He grappled visibly with a response before saying, finally, ‘I don’t know, Fi. It’s entirely up to you.’

Well, not entirely, I thought. Bird’s nest custody was about give and take and I needed his co-operation just as much as he needed mine. ‘When we’re away, you should just decide yourself where to hang out,’ I told him. ‘I don’t know if you prefer to be based in the house or the flat? We didn’t discuss this with Rowan, did we?’

It was clear he couldn’t remember who Rowan was. ‘Our bird’s nest counsellor? Are you going to the rugby with Rog and everyone on the Saturday?’

Traditionally, the husbands marked the same weekend by going to Twickenham or, if the dates didn’t fit, to Crystal Palace for the football. In previous years, Bram had been in the thick of it, leading the pub crawl, censoring the war stories (I usually got the more colourful details care of Merle or Alison).

‘I’ll probably stay in the house,’ he said, continuing his new habit of conversing at a half-minute delay. ‘I might have some friends from work over. A few of the guys and their wives.’

‘Good idea, you’ve looked a bit stressed out lately.’ I thought about the previous time I’d seen him, when his face had begun twitching uncontrollably. ‘And I realize you’ll be missing two nights with the boys, so we can swap with some weekday nights, if you like? When would be good for you?’

The way he looked at me then was so grim, he might have been a man who’d just been diagnosed with an incurable illness.

‘Sooner rather than later,’ he said.


Bram, Word document

Her passport was exactly where it was supposed to be, with the rest of the family’s in the drawer of the filing cabinet at Trinity Avenue, where they’d remained, I suspected, since our return from our last family holiday. A week at Easter on the hot volcanic beaches of Lanzarote: it might have been a submarine trip to the bottom of the Mariana Trench for how fantastical it seemed now.

The drawer was marked ‘Confidential documents’ and had I still had a sense of humour, I would have pointed out to Fi the helpfulness of this to the tsunami of criminals who’d swept Alder Rise. But I did not, possessing only the sick, humourless knowledge that I was the most wicked criminal of them all.