One of the Girls(84)

‘I made it clear I didn’t want to be involved,’ Ed said, his voice studiously level.

To him, Ana said, ‘Luca is a strong-minded, intelligent boy. Even if I’d told him that I wouldn’t help, he’d have gone looking for you himself. If he tracked you down, I needed to know who he’d find. So I looked you up. Found out where you were working. Went to your office. I waited outside to talk to you. But when I saw you … I just … I couldn’t do it …’ She’d started to tremble, her whole body overtaken by a cold fear. Her throat constricted, shallowing her breath until she could barely snatch a breath.

‘Why couldn’t you talk to Ed?’ Lexi asked, hands balled into fists at her sides.

Ana’s gaze fixed on Ed, who was standing with his feet planted wide, a stance associated with control, authority. Yet she also noticed the knot of tension in his jaw, the narrowed eyes, the tell of a hand moving fleetingly to the back of his neck.

‘Do you want to tell Lexi about the night I got pregnant?’

He baulked. ‘You expect me to talk my fiancée through a quick shag, sixteen years ago, that I can barely remember?’

‘I remember,’ Ana said, drawing herself up from her core. ‘You’d just graduated and you threw a house party to celebrate. My roommate knew one of your friends, so we came along. It was my birthday.’ Ana didn’t usually drink heavily – couldn’t afford to – but it was her nineteenth birthday and her friends had taken her for happy-hour cocktails. She’d arrived at the party feeling giddy, light-headed, lit with a bloom of false confidence. She remembered dancing in the lounge, enjoying the way this handsome graduate stood in the doorway, watching.

‘You approached me, asked if I’d like a drink somewhere quieter. You were holding a bottle of vodka. I followed you upstairs.’ She remembered being flattered that this well-spoken man in his smart leather shoes was so taken with her. ‘When we walked into your bedroom, you locked the door.’ She swallowed, recalling the first breath of unease. ‘You uncapped the vodka and passed me the bottle. Didn’t offer me a glass.’ There’d been something in his expression, a hint of amusement, as if he were setting her a test. She drank straight from the bottle, the alcohol scorching her throat. ‘Then you took down your trousers and said, Put your mouth there.’

‘Christ’s sake!’ Ed burst out. ‘I’m not listening to this!’

Ana’s heart was beating fiercely. Shame burned hot in her cheeks, travelling all the way to her scalp. She wanted to run, leave, get away from Ed. She wanted to be at home with Luca, watching a film and eating popcorn. She ground her teeth together. Forced herself to continue.

‘Everything felt wrong. The locked door. The way you spoke to me, like I wasn’t your equal. I said, “No, thank you.” You laughed. Imitated my voice. No, thank you, as if refusing were a joke to you. Then you grinned at me. Said, “We both know what happens in this room.” You pulled me onto the bed. Climbed on top of me. Pushed your hands beneath my clothes.’ She stated each fact slowly, voice as level as she could manage, like she was reading aloud from a document.

She could feel the collective gaze of Lexi and the hens. Listening.

Hearing her.

‘You had sex with me. I didn’t say, No, because I was scared. I was terrified of what would happen if I said that one word. What it’d mean if you didn’t listen.’ Because once she’d voiced it, once she said that word in a loud, clear voice like she’d been taught by all the women before her, then he had a choice to respect her – or not. ‘So I lay still on your bed, and you did what you did.’

She felt the heat of her emotions simmering. She’d always kept them in check, containing them, pushing them down, keeping her cool – but now they were bubbling dangerously to the surface. ‘Do you remember,’ she went on, voice rising, ‘what you said while you fucked me?’

In the brief widening of Ed’s eyes, she could see that he did. He knew exactly what he’d said, his mouth pressed to her ear, his hot whisper cutting deep.

‘You called me a dirty bitch. A filthy whore.’

She heard the intake of breath from the others.

Ana’s temples throbbed; the muscles in her neck spasmed. Those words were worse than what he was doing to her body. They left scars. They made her see those things when she looked at herself in the mirror.

‘When you’d finished, you climbed off me. Pulled up your trousers, then left. You didn’t say a single word. Just rejoined the party like I was nothing.’ She snatched a breath. ‘I never said the word no. I never told you to stop. I was terrified – so I lay still and quiet. I was a Black girl at a white boy’s party. But you knew I didn’t want it. You knew what you were doing was wrong, but you did it anyway.’

There was silence.

Ed, clench-jawed, said, ‘We had a one-night stand. I won’t let you insinuate it was something darker than that. When you turned up a couple of months later, pregnant, you conveniently didn’t mention any of this. You seemed quite happy to take my regular pay cheques.’

‘Happy?’ Hot fingers of tension jabbed at her brow. ‘You’ve no idea, have you? I was a nineteen-year-old student from Brixton. Families like mine – they don’t have a kid at university. It was everything that I got a place. I didn’t want to drop out. I didn’t want to see my parents’ heartbreak that I’d thrown it all away. That I was another statistic. But I also knew I couldn’t go through with an abortion – no matter what financial incentive you and your father dangled.’ She shook her head, disgusted. ‘You even insisted on a DNA test to check Luca was yours!’