Once & Future (Once & Future #1)(65)

“The barrier,” Merlin said. “If I take my eyes off it for too long, we’ll all be dead.”

You’ll all be dead, Merlin’s brain corrected. And I’ll be left alone to mourn you.

Val put his arms around Merlin’s neck, lacing his hands there, keeping Merlin’s eyes at ground level. “If you did die tomorrow…”

Merlin’s finger flew into the air. “I can’t—”

“Theoretically,” Val said, gently rolling his eyes. “What would you want people to say about you, Merlin?”

“Once upon a time, he had a very nice beard,” Merlin said. “He was the teacher of forty-two king Arthurs. He never gave in to tyrants.”

“Your fear is a tyrant,” Val shot back.

“Are you saying I’m as bad as Mercer?” Merlin asked, his offense only mostly feigned.

“You’re worse,” Val said. “Mercer doesn’t tease me and then leave me alone at night to… what’s the Old Earth phrase? Take care of myself?”

Merlin coughed. Violently.

“Are you all right?” Val asked, his smile spreading wide.

Walk away. Leave now. Abandon all hope, ye who flirt with Val.

But Merlin stayed exactly where he was, with Val’s hands looped around his neck. His body was making its own decisions, and they were questionable at best. “You’ve been… because of me?”

“Yes,” Val said, taking a step forward. “How do you deal with it?”

“I lecture myself, mostly. Long, dry lectures.” Merlin’s palms were prickling. His hands were still at his sides, forgotten and awkward. “But sometimes… yes. Sometimes I indulge in other methods. My imagination is rather potent. Shall I show you?”

Oh, celestial gods. What had he just offered?

“You’re killing me,” Val said, his smile as wide as ever.

“Then at least we’re dying together this time.” Merlin raised his hands to the place they most longed to be—Val’s chest. He slowly, slowly, started to explore, fingers moving in circles, rippling outward. He pulled their bodies together, fitting Val’s slightly longer frame with Merlin’s smaller one. Val had muscles that didn’t look prominent like Kay’s or Jordan’s, but they were there, shifting under his skin, glowing blue-purple in the barrier’s light.

Even with so much time to anticipate what this might feel like, each moment of contact surprised Merlin. The slip of hands under shirts. Their faces brushing, cheeks and jaws sliding along each other, lips soft on skin, a long slow preamble to kissing.

“Ohhhhh,” Val said slowly, standing back.

Merlin leaped. “What? What?” Had he ruined everything in some unforeseen way?

“You knew this was going to happen tonight,” Val said with a pleased, satisfied smile.

“What do you mean?” Merlin was genuinely puzzled.

“You shaved for me.” Val ran a finger along Merlin’s jawline, rubbing his curiously smooth countenance. “How did you shave this close during a planet-wide drought? You’re baby soft.”

Those words unlocked a deep fear. Merlin had never so much as set a razor to his skin. Baby soft. This was the proof of Merlin’s backward aging. He would never have a future with Val.

Shut it down. Shut it all down.

He violently cut off the feelings running through his body. The emotions blasting through his heart.

Everything.

The night went dark, and Merlin and Val gasped. For the first time in a year, there was no barrier, no brilliant web of light in the sky.

“Did we just doom the planet by almost kissing?” Val asked.

“No.” Merlin had shut down everything inside of himself—including his magic. Technically, they had doomed the planet by not kissing.

And Mercer ships were already raining down.





Merlin tried to put the barrier back up, but his magic was too weak to create the entire thing from scratch. Besides, Mercer ships were swarming the atmosphere, and now Lionel had an invasion to deal with.

Val and Merlin ran through the castle, waking everyone up, shouting down the stone hallways. They were all going to die, as Merlin looked on, unkillable. And all Merlin could think was that it was a damn shame he’d stopped himself from kissing Val before it was too late.

All he could picture was Ari’s disappointed face.

Everyone gathered by the light of a few stubby candles in the great hall, pulling on clothes. “Merlin, what happened to the barrier?” Gwen demanded. “Why is it gone?”

“I experienced a slight… malfunction,” Merlin whispered, guilt rolling inside of him like great sea swells. “Please, if you’ll let me apologize…”

But before he could grovel, Gwen’s watch lit up, ominously blue. For a year, not a single message had been able to get in or out of Lionel. Merlin’s web of magic had been down for less than five minutes, and here was someone who wanted to talk.

The Administrator’s head popped up. Everyone else looked so different after this year, but he was exactly the same, with his smooth face and bland eyes. “Good-bye, dearest Gweneviere,” he said in a vinegar voice. “We’ll always wish you had accepted our offer on Troy. We miss your wife so much, don’t you? Good news, you’ll be reunited soon—”