Once & Future (Once & Future #1)(57)

“Why did you leave Pluto?” Merlin asked, surprised that the question still mattered. Surprised that anything still mattered, with Ari dead.

“I wanted to make a difference in this ridiculous universe.” Val paused to brush hair from the tops of Merlin’s shoulders. Merlin stiffened at the soft work of Val’s fingers. “Other than Ketch behind its barrier, Lionel is the only official Mercer holdout. There are underground movements on other planets, resistance efforts. Lam wanted me to stay on Pluto and help there. My parents knew I was angling to be a diplomat, and they basically said ‘anywhere but Lionel.’ But that planet was calling my name.” The smile dropped out of Val’s voice. “We’re heading back to Lionel now, and Mercer isn’t going to play nice, but even if I lose the place I loved so much, I’ll have to go on living.” He slowed his work, the slice of the scissors falling quiet. “Just like you have to.”

This was all wrong. Val was supposed to hate him. “I let Ari die. I lost her, back on Urite. I failed her, just like Morgana said I would.”

Val laughed. He laughed at one of Merlin’s dearest worries. “Oh, that self-punishing bit. I used to do that, too. How’s it working out for you?”

Val shook his head as he snipped. And snipped some more. Merlin started to worry about what he’d look like when this was all over. He spun Merlin to face him, and they were standing close enough that Val’s face was beautifully clear, the rest of the room melting into softness behind him. “Do you want some eyeliner?”

“Do I… what?” Merlin tried to answer. Val’s face was right there, with its smooth planes and tempting smile lines. But Ari was dead, and it wasn’t the right time. There was no right time for Merlin. It was a concept that didn’t exist, like a negative square number.

“Not really an eyeliner boy,” Val said, misreading Merlin’s silence. “But you have to let me shave this.” He ran a hand down Merlin’s jaw, and Merlin’s lips parted, before he realized what Val meant to do.

“No,” Merlin said. “Absolutely not.”

“It’s so scruffy!” Val said, rubbing the line of prickly hair.

“These are the last remnants of what used to be a glorious beard,” Merlin argued. “People spoke of it for centuries! It was even a curse! Merlin’s beard!”

But what he really meant was that it was the last thread holding him together. The last sign that Merlin might be able to fix things before it was too late.

Or too early, in his case.

“Fine,” Val said, in a way that made Merlin imagine that Val would try to convince him again later. “But here… just let me…” He smoothed Merlin’s eyebrows and tucked his hair behind his ears. Merlin ducked his head forward just a bit.

And then they were perfectly close. So close that it would be easier to kiss than not kiss.

Merlin hummed a little. It was the only way to stop himself from doing… everything else. He shook his hands, and magic rained from his fingers in faint lines of color, wrapping them together in indigo and rose and buttercup and grass-green, all of the beauty that would have gone into a kiss flowing into the air, filling it.

“How did you know I needed something pretty?” Val asked.

“I thought you were making me pretty,” Merlin said.

Val smirked briefly, then tilted his neck back to watch. Wonder and relief and happiness overtook his face, and Merlin had done that. He’d made something good happen, for once. Val smiled, and Merlin had to stop his fingers from slipping over the soft skin of Val’s neck.

Ari was still in that plastic coffin. Ari was still dead.

Val pulled his shirt back on and reached into a tiny drawer, procuring a T-shirt and pair of old, perfectly worn-in jeans. Fashion came and went, but Merlin had always believed that jeans—like cockroaches—would survive into any possible future.

“Change,” Val said, half slipping out of the bathroom, before adding, “Merlin, don’t forget to look at yourself.” He pointed to the mirror and shut the door.

Merlin pulled on the new clothes. He found his glasses, settling them back in place. The haze of color faded, and Merlin saw himself clearly for the first time in ages. He didn’t look like a great or fearsome magician, but he wasn’t horrified by what he saw, either. He had an artful snarl of reddish hair, brown eyes glinting in frames of black and silver, pale skin that clung to a skinny body.

The Merlin who abandoned friends and enemies for the safety of the crystal cave was gone.





They dropped Ari’s mothers off at the nearest medical station that would take a plague victim without too many questions. After Merlin melted Lian from her fake-death state, Ari and Kay’s moms were gone, and silence reigned over the small, cracked kingdom of Error.

It lasted until they reached Lionel’s solar system.

“I’ve been away too long,” Gwen said, worrying through a dozen different emergency scenarios. “We’ll be facing lack of water. Dehydration. Riots, possibly.” Now that she’d taken off the overlarge T-shirt and put on her queen’s garb, she didn’t say a word about Ari. She was as focused on her planet as Merlin had been on that metal rivet.

The only thing that stopped her recitation of possible horrors was the sight of Kay coming in from the cockpit. “We’re about to hit Lionel. Where do you want me to put down?”