Now I Rise (And I Darken Series, #2)(67)

The boy smiled at Radu. Checking to make sure Cyprian was otherwise distracted, Radu hurried across the street. He whispered troop locations, numbers, and any other details he could recall that Amal would be able to remember. To take to Mehmed.

His Mehmed.

Then Radu went back to Cyprian and helped the other man home, his burden lifted by excitement and hope.



Radu paced, the candle in his hand throwing his shadow on the wall behind him. Nazira sat on the bed.

“He did have a plan for us! That was why he told me to visit the Hagia Sophia. He always meant to send a scout to find us there. Amal is the perfect choice! The passage between Galata and Constantinople is open during the day. He can easily slip back and forth, meeting Mehmed’s men beyond Galata and carrying information. Oh, Nazira, he did have a plan for us.”

Radu finally sat, overcome with exhaustion and relief. Nazira got off the bed and knelt in front of him, placing the candle on a table and taking Radu’s hands in her own. “Of course he had a plan for us. Did you really think he sent us here for nothing?”

“I feared it. I thought he wanted me gone. I was so scared. I thought I had risked your life without any purpose.”

She tutted. “I would never do anything so foolish. And I would never accuse Mehmed of being wasteful with resources. Of course he would not fail to take advantage of you. We will have to be careful with Amal and not put him in any danger. But it is a good method.”

Before Radu could stop himself, tears streamed down his face. He and Nazira would be useful. They would help Mehmed. And Mehmed would know and be glad. “He did not abandon me,” Radu said, lowering his head onto Nazira’s shoulder. “I can still help him.”

Nazira patted his back, then lifted his chin so he looked her in the eyes. “We can help the empire. That is why we are here. To fulfill the words of the Prophet, peace be upon him, and to secure stability for our people. We fight for our brothers and sisters, for their safety. Do not lose sight of that. We are not here as a favor to Mehmed.” She paused, her voice getting softer but cutting deeper. “He will not love you for what you do here.”

Radu jerked back from her words. “Do not speak to me of it.”

“You carry too much hope, and it will canker in your soul like an infection. Serve Mehmed because through serving him, you serve the empire. But do not do it out of some desperate hope that it will make him love you the way you love him. He cannot.”

“You do not know him!”

Nazira raised an eyebrow. Radu lowered his voice, hissing instead of shouting. “You do not know him. Besides, I do not wish anything more from him than his friendship.”

“You are welcome to lie to me, but please stop lying to yourself. Whatever your hopes are with him, I promise they will never be realized.”

“You have found love.”

“Yes. With someone who could return it. But you refuse to let go of this festering love for a man who is incapable of loving you.”

Radu blinked back tears. “Do I not deserve love?”

She put her hand on Radu’s cheek. “Sweet Radu, you deserve the greatest love the world has ever seen. I simply do not think Mehmed is capable of loving anyone the way you love him.”

“He loves Lada.”

“I have met your sister, and I have met Mehmed. They love themselves and their ambition above all else. They love what feeds their ambition, and when it stops feeding that, the love will turn to hate with more passion than either could ever love with. You love with all your heart, Radu, and deserve someone who can answer that with all of theirs.”

Radu’s buoyant happiness was now a leaden weight, dragging his soul lower than it had ever been. “But Mehmed is all I have ever wanted. He is the greatest man in the world.”

“I agree. He will be the greatest leader our people have ever seen. And he will do great things. He is more than a man—which also makes him less. He has nothing to offer you.”

Radu stood, pushing past Nazira. He felt hemmed in on every side, claustrophobic and desperate for air. “It does not matter anyway! I cannot have the love I want under any religion. It is wrong.”

Nazira grabbed his arm, spinning him around to face her. She was livid. “Do you think my love of Fatima is wrong?”

He held up his hands. “No! No.”

“God encompasses more than any of us realize. The peace I feel in prayer is the same I feel when I am alone with Fatima. The clarity of fasting is the same I have when we work side by side. When I am with Fatima, what I feel is pure and good. I cannot imagine a god who hates anything that is love, any way we find to take tender care of each other. I want you to find that same love, and I never want you to hate yourself for any love that is in you.” She pulled him close and he let her, wondering if it was possible for him to ever have the clarity and purity of love that she had.

Knowing that with Mehmed, it was not possible.

But how could he let go of the man written onto his very soul?





30





Mid-April




THEY SPREAD THROUGH the manor like fire. Servants awoke to the sounds of crashing furniture and breaking glass. Some tried to fight. Lada had instructed her men to kill no one. It was not difficult to subdue half-asleep, unarmed people.

By the time they reached Ulrich’s bedchambers, he had dressed and was waiting for them. His back was straight, his shoulders broad, his face impassive. There was no one else in the bedchamber. Lada was grateful his wife was not there to weep and beg, to bear witness. It was cleaner this way.