Nothing to See Here (72)

“And if Timothy catches on fire again?” I asked.

“I don’t know that it matters, honestly,” she said. “I’ll come up with something. Maybe I’ll even tell the truth. Timothy is going to be fine. I’ll make sure that he’s fine. I mean, you did it with two kids; I can handle one.”

“Maybe he’ll be president,” I offered.

“Absolutely not,” she said. “Timothy is going to be a Tommy Hilfiger model. He’s going to marry royalty. He’s going to have it easy.”

It was so nice to hear her voice, to hear her voice and listen to her talk about what she wanted. I never quite knew what I wanted, the letters I sent her so wishy-washy and pained. Madison, she fucking wanted stuff. And when she talked or wrote about it, with that intensity, you wanted to give it to her. You wanted her to have it. And it was so easy, I was in love with her again, the routine of our relationship, that she would hurt me, but I would allow it. I would live with it.

“What about the kids?” I asked, finally, waiting for bad news. “What about Bessie and Roland?”

“They are not going to that, whatever, that insane boot camp. It’s fine. Plus, honestly? It was going to cost like five hundred grand a year for both of them. That’s bullshit. No way.”

“But is Jasper going to take care of them?” I asked. “What will happen to them?”

Madison was quiet, and I could hear her breathing. I wondered where she was right now, if she was on the porch, a pitcher of sweet tea beside her. I wondered if she was on a private jet back to D.C. to go apartment hunting. I wanted to picture her clearly in my mind.

“Well, it’s complicated,” she replied. “Jasper wants to do the right thing, Lil, and he really, truly means it. He fucked up. He fucked up so bad that I don’t think Roland and Bessie ever really need to forgive him. They’d be well within their rights. But they’ll be taken care of.”

“How?” I said. “Madison . . .” I was almost crying. “How?”

“Do you want them, Lillian?” she asked.

“What?” There was this little ray of light. I could almost touch it. It was so faint, but I could reach up and it would be right on my fingertips. And I could barely breathe. And I could barely move.

“You heard me. I know that you heard me,” she said.

“Me?” I asked.

“Would you take care of them? Would you keep taking care of them?”

“For how long?” I asked.

“As long as they want you to. As long as you want to. For good. Permanently.”

“How?” I asked. “Why?”

“It’s not that complicated. Well, it is, but Carl walked me through everything. He’s so smart. He’s the best. I had the idea, but he worked it out. So, you wouldn’t adopt them, okay? Because that would, like, make you responsible for them. And Jasper, he’s a good man, but it’s nice if he has to legally be a good man. It’s legal guardianship. You’ve heard of that, right? You’d be their legal guardian. But Jasper would make sure they were cared for. He’d provide for their upbringing. He’d pay their expenses. If you wanted Bessie to go to Iron Mountain—”

“Fuck no,” I said, but I was kind of laughing. I was kind of crying, and I was kind of laughing. I must have sounded insane.

“Well, whatever, not Iron Mountain, but a good school. A good but normal school for both of them.”

“They’d be mine?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Madison said. “Would that make you happy?”

“I honestly don’t know,” I admitted.

“Lil, that is not what I’d hoped to hear. I’ve been working on this ever since you nearly burned our fucking house down.”

“No,” I said. “It would. It would. I’m just . . . I’m just afraid that I won’t do a good job.”

“Who would judge you?” she asked. “Who do you know who’s done a good job? Name one parent that you think made it through without fucking their kid up in some specific way.”

“I can’t think of anyone right now,” I replied.

“There isn’t anyone,” she said, getting irritated, wanting me to be grateful, wanting to make up for whatever she had done to me.

“Okay,” I said. “I’ll take them.”

“Lillian?” she said. There was silence.

“Yes?” I replied.

“I think I fixed everything,” she said.

“No,” I said. “Not really. But you kept it from getting more messed up.”

“That’s fixing something,” she said. “You stop it from getting worse.”

“Okay,” I said. “Thank you, I guess.”

“I’ll see you, okay?” she said. “We’ll see each other. Timothy will see Roland and Bessie. When the time is right, Jasper will see Roland and Bessie. Just not often, not a ton. But it’ll keep going.”

“Okay, Madison,” I said.

“I love you, Lillian,” she finally told me.

“I love you, too,” I answered, but what else could be said? What else could be done? “I’d better go,” I told her.

“Bye, Lillian.”