Never Have I Ever(82)

None I had ever heard of. Especially not with the girl on the receiving end. I had read all the warning articles about Maddy’s generation, how the boys were hooked on porn, expecting girls to service them. I’d read that girls Maddy’s age were under constant pressure to send naked selfies and to give out hand jobs like they were no more serious than good-night kisses. I didn’t want that for my Mads. Neither did Davis. We had both talked with her frankly about sex and self-respect, telling her she didn’t owe any boy alive that kind of favor.

But I had never thought to warn her about this.

I wasn’t even sure what the hell this was, but I was sure that Davis wouldn’t like it. I was even more sure it could not be healthy.

“Hey, kids! I’m home!” I yelled down the stairs, trying to sound cheery and not as if my eyes had just been burned out of my head.

There was a pause, a very short one.

“Okay,” Mad called up.

I was still loath to step down far enough to see. For her dignity—and my own. “Mads? Can you come up here?”

I wanted her out of that room. Away from Luca.

“Now?” she called back.

“Right now,” I called back.

I found myself hoping, near praying, that Roux was running from a warrant. Warrants didn’t beat women the way Roux had been beaten. Warrants didn’t produce sons or stepsons with disturbing ideas about sex and boundaries. Luca seemed like such a nice kid, but what if he was on the run from a seriously messed-up father figure? They could be fleeing unimaginable abuse. If I told this man where to find them, I’d be no better than Roux. Considering there was a child involved, I might be worse. Dear God, let Roux be running from a warrant.

I also had no idea how much I should tell Davis. How much would Davis want to know? She was his kid, but dads and daughters—too much detail might do more harm than good. At the same time, how many secrets could I wedge between me and my husband before they stretched us too far from each other?

“We’re almost finished,” she hollered, and I immediately thought, Finished with what? I hoped to God she meant the video. Surely they had leaped to opposite ends of the sofa the second my voice broke into their world.

“You’ve seen that video a hundred times. Can you please come up here?” I hollered back, my voice cracking with embarrassment and strain.

Thank God, thank God, not ten seconds later I heard Maddy stomping her way up.

“What?” she said. I blinked. I had nothing. “Monster?”

“Is Oliver still sleeping?” I asked at last. “Can you run him down to Lisa’s so we can hit the pool?”

“Sure,” she said. She didn’t look any different to me, except her cheeks were still pink. If I hadn’t seen what I’d seen, I wouldn’t have known that anything more than earnest scuba learning had been going on. There was a secret world, whole and intricate, inside my stepdaughter, and I was privileged to see only its edges. I didn’t realize how intently I was staring at her until she added, “You okay, Monster?”

“Of course,” I told her. And then I looked her in the eye, very serious. “Are you okay?”

“Super fab,” she said, and bounced back down to get the baby.

The mother in me knew I’d have to talk to her about her decisions and her body, try to guide her out of too-deep water into safety. But I had other pieces, awful pieces that Roux had woken up inside me, whispering.

No wonder Roux had reacted so strongly when I told her Luca had been sneaking over to see Maddy. Luca owned Roux’s real name, her point of origin, everything I needed, and kids talked. She knew it, I knew it. All teenagers were a whole and secret world unto themselves, and they revolved around each other, whispering. If Maddy and Luca were as close as they had just looked, then everything I needed to take Roux down was already locked tight inside this girl I loved.

Maddy wouldn’t tell me if I simply asked, though. She was loyal to a fault, and her feelings for this boy, though new, ran deep. She wouldn’t tell unless I made her. My dilemma was, I could. I could make her talk. I could make her tell me. If she didn’t know, I could make her ask him. I could push her, turn her, force her.

She wouldn’t want her father to know what I’d seen. I could use that. Maddy was a good person, but she was young, her character not fully formed, and kids, under pressure, turned on each other. I had learned this from that sad O. Henry story that had unfolded between Tig and me.

If I were willing to use her secrets against her, against this girl I loved, I could get ahead on points. Beat Roux. I could win. The thought was so attractive. I felt it as electricity, zinging through my body. I could see myself standing over Roux, her past in my hands, making fear rise in her just as she’d done to me. It was heady stuff.

But it would be wrong.

It scared me how far I was down the road to blackmailing Maddy before that thought came. I was already thinking tactics, exactly how to approach her, press her open, dig the information out. She loved me, and I knew her so very well. I could see exactly how to do it.

But what would be broken in the process? Maddy’s faith in me, her trust, maybe her love. I could turn her against me at a time when my lies were creating a gap between me and my husband. I might wring out a way to save my family from Roux only to find I’d wrecked it thoroughly myself in the process.