My Grandmother Asked Me to Tell You She's Sorry(8)
Mum and George don’t want to know if Halfie is a boy-half or a girl-half, even though it’s easy to find out. It’s especially important for George not to know. He always calls Halfie she/he, so he doesn’t “trap the child in a gender role.” The first time he said it, Elsa thought he said “gender troll.” It ended up being a very confusing afternoon for all involved.
Halfie is either going to be called Elvir or Elvira, Mum and George have decided. When Elsa told Granny this, she just stared at her.
“ELV-ir?!”
“It’s the boy version of Elvira.”
“Elvir, though? Are they planning to send him to Mordor to destroy the ring, or what?” (This was soon after Granny had watched all of the Lord of the Rings films with Elsa, because Elsa’s mum had expressly told Elsa she wasn’t allowed to watch them.)
Obviously Elsa knows that Granny doesn’t dislike Halfie. Or even George, really. She just talks that way because she’s Granny. One time Elsa told Granny she really did hate George, and that sometimes she even hated Halfie too. It’s very difficult not to love someone who can hear you say something as horrible as that and still be on your side.
In the flat under Granny’s live Britt-Marie and Kent. They like owning things, and Kent especially likes telling you how much everything costs. He’s hardly ever at home because he’s an entrepreneur, or a “Kentrepreneur” as he likes to joke loudly to people he doesn’t know. And if people don’t laugh right away, he repeats it even louder. As if their hearing is the problem.
Britt-Marie is almost always at home, so Elsa assumes she is not an entrepreneur. Granny calls her “a full-time nag-bag who will forever be the bane of my life.” She always looks a little like she just popped the wrong chocolate into her mouth. She’s the one who put up the sign in the laundry with that FOR EVERYONE’S WELL-BEING bit on it. Everyone’s well-being is very important to Britt-Marie, even though she and Kent are the only people in the house with a washing machine and tumble-dryer in their flat. One time after George had done some laundry, Britt-Marie came upstairs and asked to have a word with Elsa’s mum. She’d brought a little ball of blue fluff from the tumble-dryer filter, which she held out towards Mum as if it were a newly hatched chick, and said: “I think you forgot this when you were doing the laundry, Ulrika!” And then when George explained that actually he was in charge of their laundry, Britt-Marie looked at him and smiled, though she didn’t seem very genuine about it. And then she said, “How very modern,” and smiled well-meaningly at Mum and handed her the fluff and said: “For everyone’s well-being, in this leaseholders’ association we clear the dryer filter when we’ve finished, Ulrika!”
It actually isn’t a leaseholders’ association yet. But it’s going to become one, Britt-Marie is at pains to point out. She and Kent will see it done. And in Britt-Marie’s leaseholders’ association it’s going to be very important to keep to the rules. That is why she is Granny’s antagonist. Elsa knows what “antagonist” means, because you do if you read quality literature.
In the flat opposite Britt-Marie and Kent lives the woman with the black skirt. You hardly ever see her except when she scurries between the front entrance and her door early in the morning and late at night. She always wears high heels and a perfectly ironed black skirt and talks extremely loudly into a white cord trailing from her ear. She never says hello and she never smiles. Granny says that her skirt is too well-ironed and “if you were the cloth hanging off that woman you’d be terrified of getting yourself creased.”
Under Britt-Marie and Kent’s flat live Lennart and Maud. Lennart drinks at least twenty cups of coffee per day and always looks triumphantly proud every time his percolator is turned on. He is the second-nicest person in the world, and he’s married to Maud. Maud is the nicest person in the world and she has always just baked some cookies. They live with Samantha, who’s almost always asleep. Samantha is a bichon frise but Lennart and Maud talk to her as if she wasn’t. When Lennart and Maud drink coffee in front of Samantha they don’t say they’re having “coffee,” they call it “a drink for grown-ups.” Granny says they’re soft in the head, but Elsa just thinks they’re nice. And they always have dreams and hugs—dreams are a kind of cookie; hugs are just normal hugs.
Opposite Lennart and Maud lives Alf. He drives a taxi and always wears a leather jacket under a layer of irascibility. His shoes have soles as thin as greaseproof paper because he doesn’t lift his feet when he walks. Granny says he has the lowest center of gravity in the entire bloody universe.
In the flat under Lennart and Maud live the boy with a syndrome and his mum. The boy with a syndrome is a year and a few weeks younger than Elsa, and never speaks. His mother loses things all the time. Objects seem to rain from her pockets, like in a cartoon when the crook gets frisked by the police and the pile of stuff from his pockets ends up bigger than they are. Both the boy and his mother have very kind eyes, and not even Granny seems to dislike them. And the boy’s always dancing. He dances his way through his existence.
In the flat next to theirs, on the other side of the lift that never works, lives The Monster. Elsa doesn’t know what his real name is, but she calls him The Monster because everyone is afraid of him. Even Elsa’s mum, who isn’t scared of anything in the entire world, gives Elsa’s back a little shove when they’re about to walk past his flat. No one ever sees The Monster because he never goes out in the daytime, but Kent always says “People like that shouldn’t be let loose! But that’s what happens when the authorities go for the soft option. People in this bloody country get psychiatric care instead of prison!” Britt-Marie has written letters to the landlord, demanding that The Monster be evicted in view of her firm conviction that he “attracts other substance abusers into the building.” Elsa is not sure what that means, and she’s not even sure Britt-Marie knows. She asked Granny one day, but she just went a bit quiet and said, “Certain things should be left well alone.” And this is a granny who fought in the War-Without-End, the war against the shadows in the Land-of-Almost-Awake, and who has met the most terrifying creatures that have been dreamed up in an eternity of ten thousand fairy tales.