My Favorite Souvenir(48)

Silence again filled the air. Eventually, Brady set his wine glass down on the table and exhaled a deep breath.

“Listen, Hazel.” He reached out and took my hand. “I don’t know how to start this conversation, so I’m just going to jump right in.” He looked down, shaking his head. “I fucked up. I royally fucked up. I should never have called off our wedding. I still love you. I love you so freaking much it hurts, and I don’t know how to make things right.”

My heart began to race. While two-and-a-half months ago I would have given anything to hear those words, things had changed. I’d changed.

“I…I…I don’t know what to say.”

He squeezed my hand. “Saying you still love me might help me breathe a little. Right now I feel like I’m gulping air through a pinhole.”

I stared down at our joined hands. Did I still love him? I definitely had feelings for him. But were they different now than they’d been before? Could feelings just go away? I wasn’t sure how I felt.

And then there was Milo.

I definitely had feelings for him. In fact, in the two weeks I’d been back home, he’d been pretty much all I could think about. But were my feelings for him borne out of the excitement of our adventure and my need to feel wanted again? I didn’t think so. But honestly, I wasn’t sure about anything at the moment.

“Hazel…”

My eyes jumped to meet Brady’s. I shook my head. “I care about you. How could I not? We spent three years together, and you were always very good to me. Honestly, I was devastated when you called off the wedding. But a lot of time has passed now, and I can accept that what you did was not meant to be hurtful. I can’t imagine it was an easy thing to do. You had doubts, and you did what you felt was right. Now that time has gone by, I can even appreciate that you did what you did rather than take the easy way out.”

I looked away for a long moment. When my eyes returned to meet his, Brady looked as nervous as I’d felt when he rang the doorbell. “I’ve discovered a lot about myself over the last few months,” I said slowly. “I’m not even sure what I want anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

I sighed. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, and I’ve realized that what happened between us wasn’t only your fault. I’m not the same woman you met at that concert years ago. I’ve become someone very different, and I’m not sure I like her that much. So how could I expect you to?”

“I don’t understand.”

“The woman you met was passionate. She loved to travel and experience life. Over the years, I seemed to have lost that part of me.”

“No, you didn’t. You’re still the same woman I fell in love with.”

It had taken a lot of time and soul searching to discover that wasn’t true, so I couldn’t expect Brady to understand it right away. Plus, he meant well.

I forced a smile. “I’m not. But that’s okay. Now that I recognize what I’ve lost within me, I can start to try to find it again.”

Brady stepped closer. “I already recognize what I lost, and I want her back in the worst way.”

I shook my head. “I need time. I’m confused about so much. Honestly, I didn’t know if you were coming here today to ask for a coat you left in the closet, to say a final goodbye, or to say what you just said. It’s a lot to take in, and my emotions are all over the place.”

Brady nodded. “Sure. Of course. That makes sense. I don’t want to push you. Where we are is entirely my fault, and I need to win you back. I need to put in the work and regain your trust.”

“That’s not what I meant, Brady.”

“Just please tell me you’ll give me a chance to show you what we can have together again. We can start slow—like we did at the beginning. Friends, even?”

“Friends?”

“Yeah. I’m desperate, sweetheart. I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me. I know we’re meant to be together, and in time you can get back to feeling it, too. Maybe we could have lunch once or twice a week, or have drinks or see a movie? I promise I won’t pressure you.”

“I don’t know…”

Brady moved closer and caught my gaze. “Please? Just spend a little time with me each week. That’s all I’m asking.”

I needed to think things through. “Can I think about it?”

He forced a smile, but pretty much failed at it. “Sure. Of course.”

? ? ?

Over the next couple of weeks, I realized for sure that Brady wasn’t kidding when he’d said he wanted to start by being friends again. He was pulling out all of the stops, doing things I only remembered him doing in the early days of our relationship. He’d sent flowers to me at the studio. He’d come by and surprised me with my favorite takeout after work. He stayed to eat with me, but didn’t seem to expect anything else. Which was a good thing, because we weren’t together at the moment—although it was clear he was working toward making that happen.

As safe as Brady made me feel, I still felt like the trip had changed me. My time with Milo had me doubting whether the path I’d been on before I met him was the right one. I needed to be sure what was right for me long term before I made any decisions about where things stood with Brady. And as much as a part of me still loved him, I didn’t know whether I could ever fully trust him again. He’d broken my heart when he canceled the wedding—not to mention the embarrassment that goes along with that, having to tell friends and family what happened. At least he’d had the decency not to stand me up at the altar, like Big did to Carrie in Sex and the City. Then again, Carrie ended up forgiving Big.