My Best Friend's Exorcism(54)

“What do you think we’re going to do with these?” he called, striding to the lip of the stage. “You want us to throw them out to you guys? We’ve got some Slayer, some Megadeth, some Anthrax. Does anyone want some Anthrax?”

Ironic cheering rose up around the auditorium, and Jonah stacked the CDs and squeezed them like an accordion. His massive chest muscles bounced as the stack exploded into shards of plastic.

“That’s what we think of explicit lyrics!” he shouted. “That’s what we think of backward masking!”

Behind him, Micah was bringing out a cinderblock and placing it in front of Christian.

“See what the Lord has given me!” Christian cried, shredding his mesh tank top and exposing his gleaming muscles.

“Take it off!” someone shouted.

“I do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” Christian said.

His four brothers bowed their heads around the stage and began to pray, hands clasped and pressed to their foreheads, lips moving.

“I see this demon-haunted world,” Christian said, flexing his enormous muscles behind the cinderblock. “I see shapes and shadows moving through it. The demon of anger, the demon of sloth, the demon of not respecting your parents, the demon of heavy-

metal music, the demon of not keeping your promises.”

He scanned the rows dramatically as if he were seeing the demons out there right now, shading his eyes, playing to the crowd.

“I challenge anyone who is in league with Satan,” Christian called. “Any of his representatives, any of his emissaries here on earth, any of them, to get up on this stage right now and you pray to your God and I’ll pray to mine and we’ll see who’s more powerful.”

More ironic cheering, and then Christian stopped. He kept staring into the audience, and Abby realized he was looking right at Gretchen. He stared for a long minute, and everyone started to get uncomfortable. The happy buzz in the auditorium quieted. When he finally spoke again, the room was silent.

“I see your demon, young lady,” he said, taking the microphone from his brother. “I see the demon holding you down. I see it making you hurt the ones you love. I challenge it. You think you’re strong, Demon? You think you’re strong? Say it with me. You think you’re strong, but my God is stronger. Demon, begone! You think you’re tough, well my God is tougher! Demon, begone!”

With that, he drew back a fist and drove it into the cinderblock. It didn’t crack—it exploded. A shower of gray sand bloomed and Christian shoved his arms into the air in a V for victory, his right hand bright red.

Everyone erupted into frenzied applause and ecstatic mayhem.

It was the craziest, weirdest, lamest, funniest assembly ever. As students gossiped on the way out about whether the Lemon Brothers had part-time jobs as Chippendale strippers, Abby made her way around the auditorium to the back, where the Lemon Brothers’ van was parked in the dirt patch next to the side door.

The van’s rear doors were open, and Christian was sitting on the bumper while Jonah rubbed Icy Hot on his red forearms and swollen hand. The other three brothers were packing their props into the van, carrying milk crates out of the auditorium, hauling out trash bags stuffed with the plastic dropcloth wrapped around the cinderblock fragments and watermelon pulp.

“Excuse me?” Abby said.

Jonah and Christian looked up. Jonah smiled big beneath his blond mustache.

“Are you here to dedicate your life to Christ?” he asked. “Or do you want an autograph? We’ve got a mailing list.”

“Um,” Abby said. “I wanted to talk to him?”

She pointed at Christian.

“I don’t think I can sign anything,” Christian apologized, holding out his right hand. His fist looked raw. “That last cinderblock did a number on me.”

“No, I wanted to ask about what you said. About the girl with the demon? She’s my best friend. I wanted to know what you saw.”

“He didn’t see anything,” Elijah said, passing in front of her with two sledgehammers, one in each hand.

“I have the gift of discernment,” Christian huffed.

“You couldn’t discern your hand in front of your face,” Elijah said, throwing the sledgehammers into the back of the van with loud bangs.

“He’s just jealous,” Christian said, turning back to Abby. “I saw a demon haunting your friend. A demon in the shape of a great owl, with his dark shadow obscuring her face.”

“Show’s over,” Jonah said, stepping in front of Christian. “We’ve got to get out of here. They’re not paying us to pack up. Here, have one of our pamphlets, and tell all your friends about the Lemon Brothers Faith and Fitness Show.”





Abby took the Xeroxed flier and backed away, keeping her eyes on Christian for as long as possible.

   I see the demon holding you down. I see it making you hurt the ones you love.

   She wasn’t alone anymore.





Dancing in the Dark


“Fifteen celery sticks,” Margaret said, writing 15 Ce in her spiral notebook. “Twelve carrot sticks,” 12 Ca. “Eight slices of apple,” 8 A Sl. “Twenty-five grapes,” 25 Gr. “Two milkshakes,” 2 MS.

Gretchen’s German milkshakes had melted Margaret to a molten core of hotness. A knife had wicked away her soft curves and now she had dramatic cheekbones. Her hair was thicker, her eyes brighter.