Music of the Soul (Runaway Train, #2.5)(35)

“Have you ever talked to your dad about it?”

“No. Never.”

“I think you should.”

I snorted. “You think if I have some magical Dr. Phil chat with my dad, that all my fears about being a father will just go away?”

“No, but I think it’s a good place to start.” He rose out of his chair. “I’m going to go back and lie down with Mia and Bella. That’ll give you the privacy you need.”

“AJ, I don’t think this is the kind of conversation you do over the phone.”

“I agree, but I think you’ve waited too long to do it in person. Might as well do it now.”

I watched his retreating form go down the hall and into the bedroom. I warily eyed my phone on the table. With a ragged sigh, I picked it up and scrolled through my contacts. When I got to my dad’s, my thumb hovered over the send button as I debated my decision. Finally, I manned up and pressed the button.

My dad answered on the third ring. “Hey, it’s Jake.”

“Hey son, how are you doing? Abby still doing okay after her surgery?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine…she’s fine.” I swallowed the knot of emotions forming in my throat. “Actually, Dad, we’re not okay.”

“Did you have a fight?”

“It’s a little more serious than a fight.”

“Whatever it is, I know it’s worth working out. Abby’s a wonderful, caring woman, and she loves you very much.”

“I know.”

“Then, what is the problem?”

“I need…I need to talk to you about some pretty heavy shit that happened in the past. With you and me.” There was a pause on the line. “Are you still there?”

“I’m here.” Dad sighed. “I’ve been hoping you would want to talk to me for a long, long time.”

“I doubt you’ll be thinking that in a minute.”

“I’m serious, Jake.”

“Fine. Here it is. I’ve hurt Abby because I’m not ready to be a father, and it’s all because of you.”

Dad sucked in a harsh breath that hissed over the line. “No beating around the bush, huh?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to talk about this—I never have. But having kids and being a father is about to ruin my marriage.”

“I wish I could be there with you right now, son.”

Before I could stop myself, I blurted, “Wanna hop a plane or drive and meet me in Birmingham?”

“If you want me there, I will.”

My brows shot up into my hairline. “You’re serious?”

“Of course I am.”

“But why would you do that for me?”

“Because you’re my son. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you.”

It took a moment for his words to set in. I knew from the tone of his voice that he was serious. It was just hard to imagine after all the years that have passed and all the shit between us, he really did love me. It was a lot to process with everything else that had happened today, and I felt myself shutting down. “It’s okay. We can talk when I get back.”

“I know I made a lot of mistakes when I divorced your mother—I said and did things that I know hurt you. I wish I could take them back, but I can’t. The worst thing in the world would be to know that I hurt you so deep you wouldn’t become a father. At the end of the day, you aren’t me and you aren’t Susan. You’re just yourself, your own person.”

“So I won’t feel tied down and cheat like you did?” I questioned softly.

Dad was silent for a moment. “Is that what is bothering you?”

“Maybe.”

“Oh Jake, what’s going on in that head of yours?”

“A lot of bullshit, I guess.”

With a nervous chuckle, Dad said, “I would like to think it’s just bullshit, but I know you too well. All I can say is we’re our own people and make our own decisions—good and bad. If I were to speculate long term about you, I don’t see you cheating.”

“And how can you guess that?”

“Because you know what a good thing you have. Before Abby, you were with enough women to know what is real and what is good. Deep down, you know you don’t need to go anywhere else to find the greatest love of your life—the woman who completes you, challenges you, and makes you get up in the morning.”

Like a pansy, tears stung my eyes at his summation. He was right—I could never find another woman who meant as much to me as Abby did. After all, she is my world.

The biggest question that was going through my head was on the tip of my tongue, and I knew I needed to ask it. Even if the answer was one I didn’t really want to hear. Finally, I drew in a deep breath and croaked, “Do you think I’ll be a good father?”

“I know you’ll try as best you can. When you fall short, and trust me, you will, you’ll beat yourself up. No one is a perfect father—some are better than others and some make less mistakes, but no one is perfect. You live and you learn.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“All you can do is try your best, son. Regardless of how you see yourself, you have so much love to give to a child. I know that, and Abby knows that as well.”