Music of the Heart (Runaway Train, #1)(81)

My statement caused an agonized groan from Jake, but he didn’t respond. Instead, he paced anxiously around the room. Finally, he whirled around and threw up his hands in defeat. “After everything that happened with Bree and your recovery, I’ve been doing some thinking—hell you could even call it soul searching.”

“So have I, and I—”

His blue eyes blazed with fury. “Don’t you get it, Angel? You deserve a hell of a lot better than me, both in and out of the bedroom.”

“Not that bullshit again. I’m so sick of hearing how you think you aren’t worthy,” I protested.

“It’s the truth, dammit! You’re this beautiful, pure spirit, and I’m corrupted and tainted from my past. I won’t put that on you.”

Taking a tentative step forward, I took his hand in mind. I brought it to my lips and kissed along his knuckles. “You’re not able to see yourself like I do. You’re deserving of my love, and I want to give it to you in all ways.”

His expression darkened. “But I haven’t made love since I was eighteen years old—if I even did it then. I only know how to f*ck girls, and there’s no way in hell I’ll f*ck you!”

Frustration and anger swirled within me. I swept a hand to my hip. “So just because you have a past and I don’t that means we can’t have sex?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“Well, that’s not fair.”

Jake tossed the robe at me. “Life’s not fair, babe. Get used to it.”

I threw the robe back at him, smacking him in the face with it. “No, I won’t. I’m not taking no for an answer!”

He smirked at me. “And just what do you plan to do? Rape me?”

“No, I intend on making love with you.” Stepping forward, I slid my arms around his neck and then pressed my body flush against his. Jake instantly tensed. Before he could push me away, I said, “Even though you don’t believe it, I know you, Jake. I understand that feeling and expressing emotions off the stage is hard for you—I’ve seen you screw-up way too many times, remember? More than anything I understand that now with everything that is going on with your mom and what happened with me, that you’re gun-shy, scared, and unsure of what you’re experiencing and feeling.”

I rubbed the back of my hand across his cheek. “But I want you to listen to me. I love you, Jake. I’ve never loved another guy in my entire life. I’ve given myself over to you emotionally, and I’m more than ready to do that with my body as well. So I don’t care whether I make love with you, have sex, or even f*ck.”

His eyes widened as big as saucers at my using the F word. I smiled reassuringly at him. “I just want to be with you.” I pulled his head down to where our foreheads touched. “Not only have you told me over and over again that you loved me, but you’ve managed to show me just how much you love me too. I don’t care if you’ve been with a thousand other women—that was the past. We’re the present and the future—right here and right now.”

Jake made a pained noise in the back of his throat. “Can’t you see I’m f*cking drowning in all this guilt?” He smacked his hand against his bare chest. “It’s because of me that you were almost killed. I don’t want anything else on my conscience, so I won’t ruin you by taking your virginity.”

I couldn’t help rolling my eyes. “Would you stop talking like I’m some fragile flower or something? I may be fifty percent angel, but I’m fifty percent hellcat too.” I curled my fingers into his sweat slickened strands of hair. “I’ll be your holy water—I’ll purify you and wash away the past. Just don’t deny me this.”

“Angel, I don’t ever want to deny you anything. I’d give you the world if I could. It kills me inside to have to tell you no.” He wrapped his arms tight around me. “It’s just I’m so afraid that my love can never be good enough for you.”

“Don’t ever think that, Jake. It’s all I need—all I want.” I gazed up at him. “Besides, you may be with me and decide I’m not enough for you.”

He shook his head. “I f*cking doubt that.”

“But I don’t know what to do…to you know, please you.”

Jake grinned down at me. “Please me?”

I felt my cheeks warming. “Get you off?”

His thumb rubbed across my cheekbone. “Babe, I doubt you’ll have any problems getting me off. You did just fine last time.”

“But you were helping me. I just want to be everything you could ever need and more both in and out of the bedroom.”

Jake then brought his lips to mine and silenced any remaining doubts. His tongue slid against my lips, and I opened my mouth, inviting him in. I wanted to taste every inch of him tonight. Our kisses deepened as our tongues danced and fought against each other.

With our mouths and arms entangled, I used my hips to nudge Jake toward the loft steps. I wasn’t going to give him another chance to talk me or himself out of this. When his butt knocked against the stairs, his lips pulled away from mine. His signature cocky smirk spread across his lips. “Ladies first.”

I giggled. “Why do I think this is less about you being chivalrous and more about getting to see my ass in this thong?”