Mothered (16)

“I guess so.”

“Did you pick your nose today?”

Grace gave her an eye roll.

“Did you put your finger in your nose? Tell the truth.”

“Maybe.”

“Are your knees dirty?”

Grace looked. “Yes.”

“Do you feel weird in your tummy?”

“Yes.” And she’d had no idea why at the time, ignorant then of the word heartburn but eager to gobble up everything Mommy had brought home from Taco Bell.

“Ha ha—you’re gonna have a baby!”

She’d scoffed at Hope and challenged her proclamation. But Hope had sworn that Grace showed all the signs and had done all the things and that’s why a baby was growing inside her.

“What did your sister tell you?” Miguel asked, probably watching the memory move in shadows behind Grace’s eyes.

With her crossed leg flapping, Grace turned to her mom. “I didn’t know about indigestion then either, in spite of how much I loved Taco Bell.”

Jackie and Miguel both laughed, satisfied with her response.

“I think Hope scared you away from ever having a baby.”

The room fell suddenly quiet. Grace knew that Miguel knew that her mom wasn’t referring to Hope’s silly trick but the lifelong awareness of the possibility of having a child with special needs. A child who required a lot of effort, and still might not make it through adolescence.

“That’s not true.” Grace spoke softly and with an earnestness she rarely showed her mother. “I think about it a lot, actually. It’s something I really want, but . . .” Miguel nodded. He knew; they’d talked about it before. “The right situation, the right relationship . . . it never happened. And I’m running out of time.”

“Lovey, you’re only thirty-six,” said Miguel.

“Yup, ticktock.”

“It’s not like it used to be,” Jackie said. “People take longer now, to decide what they want.” She sounded uncharacteristically supportive, which Grace appreciated, but reality wasn’t going to alter itself for people who needed a little more time.

“Yes, that’s true. But unless I freeze my eggs—or adopt. I’m not opposed to that, but I don’t think I want to be a single mom. I want, I need, a partner.” She shrugged, looking at Miguel. They’d discussed all aspects of this. It had taken her a long time to admit to him, or understand for herself, that she wasn’t attracted to anybody—literally, had no concept of lust at first sight. That made dating extremely hard; most of the men she’d dated were ready for sex long before Grace had determined if she felt close to them in any meaningful way.

“Alone is a hard way to do it,” her mom agreed.

“I know there’s someone out there for you. You just might have to redefine what you’re looking for.” He exaggerated redefine but didn’t spell it out in front of Jackie. Miguel had helped Grace understand she was probably “ace.” Asexual was a term she didn’t especially like, but he encouraged her to be open about it. “And I know you’re resistant, but if you’re clear about who you are and what you’re looking for, a dating app really might work. It’s an easy way to let people know important things.”

Grace snorted. “No. I don’t think so.”

“There are some real people out there, nice people, contrary to what you say.”

“I don’t think so.” She knew so; this was her area of expertise. Everyone online was fake in some way.

“What about you?” Jackie said to Miguel.

He did that cute thing with his mouth that he often did when he got contemplative or dreamy. It wasn’t quite a smile, but the tension in his pressed lips revealed a dimple in one cheek. “I might have kids someday, I don’t know—I’m a couple years younger than Grace, so I have a little more time.” He flashed a wink at Grace. “But then again, it’s a weird world. Tiny sentient people might deserve better than whatever I could offer them.”

“You’d be a great dad, Miguel.” And Grace fully believed that, but she knew he was thinking about larger obstacles, more apocalyptic issues. “Oh my God, this conversation is getting way too—”

“Maybe you could have a baby together!” Jackie wore a grin that proclaimed That’s perfect, problem solved! Miguel and Grace looked at each other and burst into the blushing laughter of middle schoolers who finally grasped how all their parts worked. “I don’t mean . . . Oh good grief, come on, I’m not clueless. And I know there are alternate ways of . . . Whaddo they call it? Artificial insemination?”

“Mom!” But it was mock outrage; Grace was actually glad to have a reason to laugh and release some of her tension.

“People do that now—gay people and friends and people who want to build their own families.”

“That is remarkably forward thinking of you.” Grace was impressed with her mother, but afraid now to make eye contact with Miguel. Was there any chance he was mulling over the possibility too? Now that Jackie had broken the ice?

“I know you don’t give much thought to it,” said Jackie. “But I had two kids. And Glen had two kids. And Robert had three kids. I worked with the elderly for almost thirty years, and most of them had kids. I actually know a lot about different kinds of parents and different kinds of . . .” She shrugged. “You know what we all know? It’s hardest to be a parent in the moment, when things are happening. But when you look back . . . We all know what we would’ve done differently.”