Mother of All Secrets(4)

Bravo was on in the background as I aimlessly skulked about, and not even something halfway decent like Real Housewives of NYC, but instead a show about people who were supposed to be working on a cruise ship but spent most of their time hooking up with each other and getting in fights. It was borderline unwatchable, but the thought of trying to find something better just felt pointless.

Perching gingerly on our trusty sports ball—which I used not for exercise (God no), but for bouncing Clara—and retrieving my phone carefully so as not to wake her, I opened Instagram. It seemed that I inevitably, and unfortunately, spent most of Clara’s sleeping hours scrolling mindlessly through my phone.

Only two new posts since I’d last checked: a celebrity had posted something political, and a food account had shared a recipe for butternut squash soup that sounded delicious but that I knew I would never, ever make. Also, my dad’s wife had responded with heart-eye emojis to a photo of Clara I’d put in my Instagram story (where she’s sleeping peacefully, like an angel—talk about Instagram versus reality). My parents had been divorced since I was little, and my dad lived in Arizona, so I hadn’t seen much of him growing up, though our relationship was perfectly cordial, and his wife was nice enough. But it was just my mom and me for a lot of my childhood, which of course only made losing her even more painful. She was honestly my best friend, and the only person I’d have been brave enough to ask: Is it normal to be this miserable with a newborn? Are these sad and scary thoughts that I’m having common? Am I an awful mother?

I closed Instagram and opened Facebook. The first post in my feed was something from the Upper West Side Moms Facebook group, which I had recently joined to learn about things like day cares, schools, and playgrounds in the neighborhood. There was plenty of non-neighborhood-specific content, too, just baby and kid advice in general. It was strangely addicting to read about what other moms were doing with their children.

Kyla Trevor: Hi mommas! I’m wondering what your favorite baby carriers are? I have the Ergo 360, but I find it really bulky and cumbersome. Thanks in advance for your recs!

57 replies

I clicked on the replies. I also had the Ergo 360 (was wearing it now, in fact) and thought it was fine, but maybe there were better options. I made a mental note to check out a few brands that kept getting mentioned or “liked,” like Baby K’tan, and also saw some other comments that I knew would be nagging me for the rest of the day, such as:

Rachel Brandon: Be really careful with baby carriers tho. Even though brands say they can be used for newborns, they really aren’t safe for smaller babies and can be suffocation hazards.

And another that went so far as:

Cleo Patra: TRIGGER WARNING: My sister-in-law’s friend’s baby died in a carrier. The mom fell asleep wearing it and rolled over and that was it. Ladies, please be so careful. We only get one chance with these precious babies.

I was deeply disturbed by this, but also strangely jealous that this woman had been able to figure out how to lie down wearing the baby carrier. Then I felt terrible for thinking that. And terrible that I was wearing a death trap and also frequently committing the crime of sleeping while holding. Basically, I felt terrible for being so terrible at this.

There were several more replies to the tune of:

Amelia Conners: Don’t overdo it with the carriers—babies need to stretch their bodies, build their muscles, and of course, need to learn to sleep independently in their cribs too. If they get too used to sleeping on you in the carrier, they’ll never sleep on their own!

Never? As in, not ever? Like, I’d have to go to college with Clara so that she could sleep on me? My head had started to hurt. I couldn’t bring myself to read any more of the baby carrier comments, but against my better judgment, I scrolled ahead to other posts. Maybe I’d find something useful that didn’t make me feel like crap, or at least something salacious or funny: sometimes there were fun matchmaker posts, or gripes about a snoring husband, and those were always pretty entertaining.

Jess Norton: Best brownies on the UWS? This pregnancy craving won’t leave me alone and ya know what I’m just gonna lean in lol

Nikki Friedman: Try the Viand, their brownies slay! Enjoy!

Amy McGuire: I love the brownies at By the Way Bakery! Kind of pricey though since everything is gluten free.

Kate Younger: Dietitian here. I agree that it’s good to listen to your body, but what is it really telling you? Sometimes these sugar cravings can be satisfied with a piece of fruit or even a glass of water. Your body, and your baby, will thank you!

Kirsten Gemma: @Kate Younger why are you trying to kill her buzz, girl’s just trying to get her brownie on! Let her live, geez!

Jess Norton: @Kate Younger Yeah I’m gonna stick with brownies but thanx, enjoy your kale. @Kirsten Gemma THANK YOU.

This brownie exchange already made me feel a bit better about the Ergobaby carrier nightmare. I scrolled on.

Stephanie Ring: Hi ladies!! Looking for some mommy and me classes for me and my 6 wk princess! Preferably music but open to anything, doesn’t have to be in person either, would do virtual. Lmk what you’ve taken and loved! Thanks!

30 replies

Virtual infant music classes? Was this a thing that we were supposed to be doing? I pretty much had Grey’s Anatomy season one playing on a loop while I was home with Clara (when it wasn’t the god-awful yacht show on Bravo). Was Clara going to be trailing behind her peer group as a result of my selfish incompetence? Or worse, was it possible that I was traumatizing her with these bloody surgery scenes on Grey’s? I honestly hadn’t thought about it. So while the other babies were learning to play instruments and sing songs in Mandarin, Clara was watching Ellen Pompeo make out with Patrick Dempsey in an on-call room. Great. Typical Jenn. Another day, another mom fail. I couldn’t bring myself to read through these replies now, though; my head was really starting to hurt. So I quickly wrote a note in my phone: look up music classes for Clara and turn off Grey’s, you jerk.