Misfits Like Us (Like Us #11)(107)

“It’s not that you’re shit,” he tells me, the venom in his voice almost rocking me backwards. “It’s not that you grew up in South Philly with barely a dollar to your name. It’s not that you’re no one special. It’s not that when I die, people will remember me, but when you die, they will fucking bury you without care or fanfare. It’s not any of that.”

I swallow a rock.

He leans forward. “It’s that you’re not goddamn honest with me.” He pauses, giving me the time to explain, but words are lodged in my throat. He’s assessing me. “And I can’t even tell if you’re angry. I can’t even tell if you hate me.” He points at his chest. “I would hate me if I were you. I’ve threatened to rip away everything you love. I would be right where you are and saying, go eat shit and die, you worthless prick. But you’re not even doing that.”

“I’ve been angry about it,” I say truthfully. My body flames with tension, and I wish I’d stretched better before we hit the trail.

“This is angry?” He gestures to me like I’m either lying or it’s a joke.

It’s neither.

Papa Cobalt doesn’t pop off often, but I doubt Lo thinks I’m in the leagues of his genius bestie. But honestly, I think I’m pretty cool, calm, and collected if I do say so myself.

I glance down the trail, taking note of our surroundings. “You might think it’s pathetic that I’m not up in your face, but you’re not heckling me at a bar and talking shit about my friends, the Birds, Wawa, the Phillies, or shouting at me to move to L.A.—so I’m not gonna intensify the situation and take a swing or call you a piece of shit.”

“But you think I am one?”

I frown. “Do you want me to hate you?”

“I want you gone,” Lo hisses. “So far gone. And if you hate me enough, if I make your life a living hell—if you can’t go to sleep without fearing me and what I’ll do, maybe you’ll just quit so I don’t have to pull the trigger.”

I shake my head on instinct. And I’m not even shocked he’s been trying to get me to quit. I’ve known he’s wanted me to just walk away for a long time.

It might’ve been a mistake coming to Lo for help. I’m gonna hand him the perfect ammunition to fire against me and terminate my life here.

He doesn’t know it yet, though.

“You’re doing anything you can to protect your kids, and I’ve understood that,” I tell him. “Just like I’ve understood how you could think I’m trouble. I was baptized in a bathtub, you know that? The Catholic church didn’t even want me because of my parents. I’ve been unwanted by almost everyone the minute I took a breath on this Earth, and it’s just something I’ve come to expect.”

Lo processes this for a tense second. He nods slowly and seizes my gaze in a vice. “I’m going to ask you again. Be honest with me. Did you and Luna hook up at my birthday party?”

Not this again.

I struggle to maintain eye contact. My pulse is out of whack. Words aren’t forming because the self-preservation in me is screaming, shut up, Paul!

He’s pissed. “Her green lip gloss was on the corner of your mouth. So how the hell did that get there?”

Fuck me.

My nose flares. Are we sure it wasn’t green Jell-O? almost comes out of me. But I’m forcing myself not to toss out a lie. Gotta be honest with him. Gotta find a way.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” Lo questions.

I swallow again.

He’s shaking his head, irate and fuming. He stretches his arms up to his head like he’s trying to cool off. “Jesus Christ, why can’t you just say it?”

We kissed.

I kissed your daughter.

He’s right; I can’t say it.

It was something I could die happy knowing I did. It was this pure, explosive moment between Luna and me, and we agreed not to let anyone tarnish it. Even if it’d make her dad trust me more, I fight against letting him have that.

I’m still, nearly motionless. “You have this way…” I say slowly. “Of making me feel trapped, you know that?” My eyes are burning. “I don’t think you realize how much I hate that feeling.”

I expect him to say, maybe I do, and flash a half-smile.

But he doesn’t.

He’s just listening.

I shift my weight. “I’m not perfect. I’m never gonna be the perfect person for Luna—because I’m guessing there isn’t anyone who’d live up to what you’d hope for her, and I know it’ll never be me. That doesn’t mean I don’t care about her, and when you’re asking me to tell you something that might hurt her, I’m honestly gonna hesitate. Because she’s here.” I lift my hand high up in the air. “And you’re here.” I lower my other hand pretty far underneath that palm. “But I’ve been trying to forget her. ‘Cause I know how much she loves you, and I’m not the big bad wolf trying to blow down fathers and daughters. I’m not.”

He’s quiet for the longest moment. He paces left and right, then stops. Eyes the woods, then me. “Why do you think I brought you here?”

I squint around at our audience of trees. To the middle of the woods. Alone. “There was a moment in the car I thought maybe you hired a hitman to kill me. Dump my body in the Delaware.”