Master of Iron (Bladesmith #2)(80)



But the gore and screams still battle for dominance in my thoughts, making me sick to my stomach.

Kellyn leans us against a mountain of pillows, pulls the covers over the top of us, and holds me against his chest. His hair is still damp from his bath, but I don’t mind. The rest of his body keeps me warm.

“I can’t stop thinking about the fight,” I say after a bit. “It was horrible.”

“It was,” he agrees. “I’ve never experienced anything like it.”

“I feel dirty,” I say. “No, my soul feels dirty. I’ve killed so many people now that I’ve lost count. I feel evil. Bad. Like I will be sent to one of the Sisters’ hells when I die.”

Kellyn tries to say something, but I continue, “But then I think about you. You have also killed, but you’re not bad. Your soul is not evil. Why do I hold myself to a higher set of values than I do you? What we did was necessary. I know it. But I still don’t feel right inside.

“I felt this way after the battle with Kymora in Amanor, but then I couldn’t give the thoughts much space in my head. I was too busy trying to save Temra’s life. Then I was trying to save your life. And then we made it back to Skiro and war was approaching. And then it happened. And now I killed some more. It’s fresh in my mind, and I don’t think I can sleep. And how do you deal with it?”

Kellyn squeezes me tightly again. One hand rubs from my shoulder to my elbow. “I think my mind works differently than yours. I mean, obviously it does. But I am able to push things from my thoughts when I wish. But you can’t, can you? Thoughts consume you. They take all the energy out of you.”

“Yes.”

“Sometimes it helps to focus on the why instead of the what. I don’t think about the death I dealt. I think about who I’m protecting. I think about my home and my family. About you. I remind myself about all the good things so there’s no space for the bad.”

“I used to focus my thoughts by forging something in my head from start to finish. But now—the end result is a weapon. And then weapons lead to fighting. And I’m back to thinking about what I don’t want to think about. I used to only worry about talking to people. Being judged by them. Now I have to worry about people trying to kill me. I think it’s making my normal anxieties way worse.”

“That’s so unfair. I’m sorry.”

“I think I’ve gotten over blaming myself, though. That helps. It’s not my fault this is happening. What I do doesn’t affect the world as much as I think it does.” That and the fact that I’ve vowed not to make powerful weapons for anyone I don’t know ever again. Or anyone in power.

“I’m glad to hear that.”

It feels so good to unburden myself. To say aloud everything that’s troubling me. I let the next problem fall from my lips.

“She’s free, and she’s hunting me again.”

The arms around me tighten to an almost-painful pressure.

“She can’t have you. I won’t let her take you away. I’ll die before that happens.”

“Don’t say that. Don’t talk of dying, please. Just tell me that we’ll beat her again. That everything will be okay.”

“We will beat her again. Everything will be okay.”

Though I know he can promise no such thing, it feels so good to hear it all the same.

I love the way Kellyn smells. Like the woods and leather and his own personal musk. I turn my nose into his shirt and breathe even more deeply. Now that we’re talking, I don’t feel so nervous around him. I feel myself relaxing into him.

“I’ve been going crazy with worry over my family,” Kellyn says. “If we fail. If Kymora’s army wins, that’s it. There’s nothing else to stop her. And what will that mean for everyone I love? I’m just one fighter. I can’t stop her by myself. I couldn’t even stop her fighting one-on-one. She’s too good.”

And now she has a whole army to back her up.

“We’re not alone this time,” I remind him. “The royals don’t want to lose their lands or their heads. They will band together to fight her. They must. And if, for whatever reason, they lose, we will go to Amanor and defend your family to the last.”

The words float in the air, determined, fierce. I would never take them back. I adore his family, and I would never leave them to face this alone.

“Ziva,” Kellyn says so softly, “I love you.”

I freeze, feel my body snap tight like a bowstring. He doesn’t mean that. He’s only trying to make me feel better because I’m so messed up after the war, and—

Stop it. You will not let your anxieties ruin this moment.

I want to tell him that I love him, too. How could I not? He’s the only man I’ve ever wanted to love in this way. The only person I’ve ever felt so close to.

But I can’t say those words back to him. It’s too terrifying, and I’m still half convinced he doesn’t mean them.

“You don’t have to—” Kellyn starts.

I put a finger to his lips. “I want to be with you always,” I say. Even if he changes his mind, I never will.

“Done,” he says.

But doesn’t he know that’s something he can’t promise me?

Tricia Levenseller's Books