Lucky Caller(69)

Jamie moved abruptly, crossed over to the computer— “Well, I think that—”

He shut off the audio.

“Don’t you want to hear the advice?” I said.

“It’s … No, I mean, it’s not…” He looked over at me. “Do you want to hear the advice?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to hear what they should do. Like … what they think the people should do.”

“They shouldn’t do anything.”

“Why not?”

He looked away. “Because it’s not…” A beat. “Because … maybe one of them feels that way, but they know that it’s … one-sided. That the other person just wants to be friends. And that’s—” He swallowed. “That’s totally fine.”

I blinked.

I was the person who said, I’ll always be your friend, and Jamie was the person who said, Yeah.

“That’s not what they meant,” I said. “They didn’t meant it like just friends, they were saying … that’s not what they were saying.”

One corner of Jamie’s mouth lifted. “You seem to know a lot about this random person’s intentions.”

I let out a breath, almost a laugh but not quite. I looked at him for a moment.

“I have to say something,” I said.

“Okay.”

I didn’t speak.

“Definitely … feel free.”

I shook my head. “I can’t just…”

“You said you had to say something!”

“I do, I can, I just…” I flapped my hands. “Can you just, like. Not look at me or something?”

Jamie’s look of confusion softened slightly, and he turned his gaze to the ceiling.

“Don’t look back till I say, okay?”

“Okay.”

“And don’t say anything. Until I finish saying it. The thing I have to say.”

He nodded, face still turned up. I could see the underside of his chin, and something about it was weirdly vulnerable.

“You promise?”

He nodded again.

“I missed you,” I said. “So much.”

He didn’t speak. But that was okay, I had told him not to. I took a breath and went on: “I … didn’t realize how much. And it’s not that it went away, like I ever stopped missing you, it’s that I got used to it, and once we started … all this … it was like I remembered how much you … like what a big part of everything you were. Are. I don’t want it to be weird between us if I say the thing I’m going to say, but you can mean it lots of ways, you know, so just know that when I say it, I mean it all the ways.”

Jamie’s throat bobbed on a swallow, but his gaze never wavered from the ceiling.

“When I say I love you, Jamie, I mean it as my friend, and I mean it as a Sounds of the Nineties team member, and as a neighbor, and as a bagel maker—” He laughed. “And as a coworker, and as a good person, a kind person, as Prince Hapless, as you. When we were little kids, before I even knew what it was, and now. Now I love you how … how you love someone that you’re in love with. Also. There’s also that.

“So when I said that I’d always be your friend, I meant that … I always want to be there for you, no matter what. No matter which way. And if you don’t feel the same way, that’s okay. I understand. I’ll just … keep on loving you. All those other ways.”

He didn’t speak, didn’t move. Just blinked up at the ceiling. He was the same Prince Hapless who stayed unconscious just because my sister told him to, who didn’t break during our final game, even when I was probably the last person in the world he wanted to be around.

“Okay,” I said. “That’s … that’s it. That’s what I wanted to say. So … you can. Talk now. If you want.”

He looked at me. I couldn’t parse the expression on his face.

“Are you going to say something?”

“Yeah, I mean.” He nodded. “Same.”

I blinked. “That’s it? Same?” I shook my head. “You don’t—I mean, if you don’t feel the same way that’s totally okay, but what do you mean by same, what is that, why would you—”

“Because I feel the same,” he said, stepping closer, a grin spreading across his face. Radiant, a Lucas Kirk kind of pop-star smile—one that could pin you to the floor from a thousand feet away. “And I thought it would be funny.”

I couldn’t help but smile back.

“You were right, it was funny,” I said. “I would’ve done the same thing.”

“I know. That’s why I love you too.”

“You do?”

“For lots of reasons, not just that one.”

“For real?”

“Why is that shocking?”

“Because you’re you.”

“And you’re you.” He shook his head. “I always … I’ve always…”

I kissed him.

It was hit the ground running kind of kissing. I want every part of me to be touching every part of you kind of kissing. The singular, fleeting sweetness of the kiss in front of Acton, the intensity of that night in my room, this was all that and now a third thing, a new thing, it was enthusiastic, and happy, and relieved, it was joyful as fuck. I broke away just to kiss Jamie’s cheeks, and his forehead, and the spot under his ear, and he tightened his grip on me like holding on to each other was the only way to keep us from floating off the ground, the only thing tethering us to the earth.