Lucky Caller(29)

“That weird grunge thing,” Jamie confirmed. “The catalog has all their albums.”

“I’ve never heard of them,” I said.

“That’s probably why they’re in the catalog,” Joydeep replied.

“Who’s TB, though?” I looked to Jamie, but he just shrugged.

“I’m not super familiar with them either. I kind of threw that one in last minute.”

Sasha did some clicking. “Tyler Bright. Lead singer.” A pause. “Maybe we should play more.”

“Why?”

“This bbright720 guy has like twelve thousand followers. If some of them like that band too, then maybe we’ll get more listeners.”

“That’s a good idea,” Jamie said, and went over to Joydeep’s monitor. “I’ll add a couple more to the list.”

“Oh, great,” Joydeep said with false brightness. “More gravelly moans and echo guitar.”

“We should answer that bbright person,” I said. “Tell them we’ll put more on.”

“Got it,” Sasha replied.

@bbright720 thanks for the love! Keep it tuned, more Existential Dead headed your way soon!

It was quiet for a bit until a track started with a low, heavy guitar riff.

“This is them,” Jamie informed us.

The singer’s voice was deep and gruff as he started in on the verse.

“I can’t even understand what he’s saying,” Sasha said after a moment or two.

“Check these lyrics,” Joydeep said. “Under the crushing weight of your gaze/Cannot breathe or see through unnumbered days/Choke me out, choke me out, choke me out.” He grinned. “Then four more stanzas of choke me out.”

“There’s no way he’s actually saying that,” Sasha said, just as the deep-voiced singer begin wailing something that sounded like chah-me-ahhhhhhhh over and over again.

Joydeep held his phone out toward her so she could see the screen. “Deep stuff.”

“Whatever it is, fourteen people are listening right now,” I said.

“For real?” Jamie leapt up to look at the counter onscreen.

I nodded. “That’s like our highest listenership so far.”

“Check our account,” he said, and Sasha clicked back over.

“bbright720 tweeted again! Yooo thank you @soundsofthe90s you are killing me tonight with these cuts from Three Deep. Can we get something from Velvet Flycatcher next?”

“You sure as hell can,” Jamie said with a grin.



* * *



We played five more Existential Dead songs that evening—all of them sounded pretty similar, with similarly bleak lyrics—and our listenership peaked at twenty-three people. We got three more tweets, and even though we had broken from our official 1994 theme by playing songs from Existential Dead’s 1991 and 1992 albums (Velvet Flycatcher and Cryptic Undertow, respectively), it seemed worth it for the numbers.

“We should definitely mix some more of them into the playlist,” Joydeep said. “We might actually have a shot at best listenership.”

“Colby said they’re averaging fifty people a show,”

“Colby’s full of shit. It’s probably half that,” Joydeep scoffed. “He’s notoriously exaggerated the size of things in the past, if you know what I mean.”

“I don’t,” I said, and Jamie shot me a look, clearly trying to suppress a grin. “What could you possibly be referring to?”





25.


Conrad: We’re talking this morning about weird—well, not weird, we’re not here to judge—let’s just say, unusual things that people just can’t let go of. Earlier we talked to Rick who has kept— Nikki: And worn! Not just kept! Actually legitimately worn!

Conrad:—he’s worn his same retainer, his original one from seventh grade, every night for the last thirty years.

Will: That’s, I mean … I just don’t know about that. The bacteria on that thing, ughhh … I don’t even want to think about it.

Tina: Wouldn’t it melt? Like, over time?

Nikki: What?

Tina: Like, wouldn’t the heat of your mouth melt the retainer?

[silence]

Conrad: Tina, I’m not judging you, but that’s the most cuckoo bananas thing that’s come out of your mouth in a really long time.

Tina: What? Why?

Will: You think a temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit is sufficient to melt plastic?

Conrad: How would anyone use plastic forks and spoons if that was the case?

Tina: I meant like over time, like, wouldn’t the constant exposure to— Conrad: How would there have ever been plastic straws? Wouldn’t we just liquefy our straws immediately?

Tina: I’m saying your body heat might wear it down over time— Nikki: Couldn’t drink out of a plastic bottle either. You might just melt that thing right down, according to Tina.

Tina: That’s not what I’m—

Conrad: Okay, we’re going to be taking more calls here in a moment, so let us know, is there something you’ve been holding on to for ages, a thing you just can’t let go of, like Rick’s retainer? Or Tina’s troubling notion of thermodynamics? Give us a call.