Lucky Caller(23)
“You thought Grab Your Joystick was a good idea.”
“Because it is. But Cat Chat? Cat Chat? Jesus Christ, it makes my ears nauseated.”
I snorted. “Go on, then.”
“Okay. Dear Cat Chat, etc. etc. I really need your help. It’s kind of a desperate situation. The thing is”—he paused for dramatic effect, and all of us, damn him, totally leaned into it—“my boyfriend thinks he’s a tree.”
“What?” Sasha said.
(What? Colby of Cat Chat would later say on-air.)
“Or at least, he wants to be a tree. He has taken to dressing almost exclusively in brown corduroys and green tops. That’s fine with me. That’s a fashion choice. But he is always referring to his legs as his ‘trunk’ and his arms as ‘branches.’ He has started referring to certain bodily fluids as ‘sap’ and others as ‘phloem.’”
“Joydeep, this is … you’re…”
(PHLOEM! Colby would burst out, letting out a choked sound. PH-PHL-PH-PH-PH—
Get it together, Colby, Sammy would hiss in response.)
“At first I thought maybe it was a coping mechanism. Or some kind of sex thing. But I’m worried that it goes deeper than that. I’m worried that my boyfriend really, truly thinks he’s a tree. What should I do? Should I humor him when he asks me to prune his leaves? Remember what I said about the phloem?”
(I can’t. I can’t. I’m sorry. I can’t. Colby would steadily increase in hysterics. This is too—too much—too—PHLOEM—
Colby!
FUCKING PHLOEM, Sam!)
“It’s all becoming a bit much. But I want to be a supportive girlfriend.” Joydeep looked up—“Gotta throw ’em off the scent”—and then back down at his phone. “Tell me, Cat Chat team … What should I do? Sincerely, Barking Up the Wrong Tree in Zionsville.”
“You’re not okay,” Sasha said, but she was struggling to keep a straight face.
18.
This is Maddie in the Morning here on 98.9 The Jam. Hey, did anyone else listen to that one show yesterday? Does anyone listen to the radio at all anymore? Believe me, that’s something I wonder sometimes. I know my Nona listens. She’s probably listening right now—good morning, Nona! I don’t really listen that much, to be honest, but my mom had it on in the car yesterday when she picked me up, and this weird talk show was on, did you guys hear it? Where the guy totally lost it talking about tree sap? [beginning to laugh] Honestly, that was amazing. It was … AMAZING. He totally like nuclear-level lost it right there on-air. And the other girl got so mad at him. Like, SO MAD. She was all, “Get it together, Cappy!” Was that his name? Cappy? Cadby. “Get it together, Cadby!” And he was just totally gone, just completely out in space. It was the worst thing I’ve ever heard. I loved it. [happy sigh] Anyway, here’s “Wonderwall.” [pause] I’m kidding. That was a joke. Like that thing, where people say … Can you imagine, though? If I was serious? [pause] Actually, you know what? Screw it. Here’s “Wonderwall.”
19.
“TELL ME YOU GUYS HEARD it, though,” Joydeep said with satisfaction. All of us were gathered in the studio on Thursday for 1993 night. We had already done the first link. “I got them. I broke Colby.”
“Congratulations?” I said, and he held his hand up for a high five. I sighed and high-fived him back.
“Now I just gotta get Sammy.”
“Can we maybe not focus on wrecking someone else’s show?” Jamie said.
“I’m not trying to wreck anything. I’m just proving a point.”
“Which is?”
Joydeep contemplated it for a moment and then shrugged. “How easy it is to mess with something that stupid.”
“Seriously?” Jamie didn’t look happy.
Joydeep frowned. “What’s your problem?”
Jamie’s face softened. “Sorry.” He shook his head. “I just…”
“What is it?”
“I just want our show to be good.”
“Fucking with their show and improving our show don’t have to be mutually exclusive,” Joydeep replied.
“Then I just … think it’s mean.”
“You gotta toughen up, Waldo. The world is mean.”
“We don’t have to be.”
Joydeep didn’t reply.
We were pretty deep into the show—a few breaks, a lot of songs from 1993, and some off-air conversation between us here and there—when Jamie circled back around to Joydeep.
“So … where did we end up on the no more prank questions to Cat Chat thing? We’re all in favor, right?”
“I don’t remember agreeing to that,” Joydeep said.
“I listened to their last show, though,” Sasha said. “It was funny as hell.”
“Not on purpose.”
“So? Funny’s funny. They should hire Joydeep.”
Joydeep did a 360 in his rolling chair. “See? The people love my stuff.”
“Maybe you can bring some of that to our show,” I said.
“That’s not our format, though. Our format is nineties music and chill. That’s our wheelhouse. That’s where we live. We don’t want to move away from that.”