Love on the Brain(94)

Spoiler alert: my stupid brain doesn’t. It never did. Not when I was ten. Not when I was twenty. Not eight years later, even though I’ve tried my best to train it not to expect anything of me. If alone’s the baseline, it shouldn’t wither. If a cat never gets any treats, he won’t miss them. Right? I don’t know. Looking at my reflection in the window, I’m not so sure anymore. My brain might be dumber than a cat’s. It might be one of Reike’s blobfish, swimming aimlessly in the bowl of my skull. I have no idea.

It’s June. Almost summer. Sunset doesn’t come early anymore—if it’s dark outside, Levi must have left hours ago. I stand gingerly from the couch, feeling heavy and weightless. An old woman and a newborn calf. Wretched little me, still containing multitudes. But as much as I’d rather wallow in self-pity, this situation is a grave of my own digging. There are things I need to do. People I need to take care of.

First, Rocío. She’s not in her apartment and doesn’t pick up when I call—because she’s with Kaylee trying to forget today’s fustercluck, because she hates me, because she’s a Gen Z. Could be all three, but what I have to tell her is important, and I’ve already hurt her chances to get into the Ph.D. program of her dreams enough, so I email her.


Whatever happens with BLINK, get in touch with Trevor ASAP and ask him to let you stay on the project as the RA (I’d do it, but it’s best if it doesn’t come from me). Levi will support this. What happened today is my responsibility only and won’t reflect on you.



Okay. One down. I swallow, take a deep breath, and tap on the Twitter app. Shmac’s next: he needs to know what’s going on with STC. That if he continues to associate with Marie, things could go south very quickly. I still don’t know what the hell happened, but publicly disavowing me might be best for him.

I DM him to ask if he has a minute, but he doesn’t immediately reply. Probably with the girl, I tell myself. After my disastrous conversation with Levi, the idea of someone brave enough to seize that kind of love, intense and eviscerating and gutting and joyful, fills me with an envy so overwhelming I have to push back against it with my entire self.

I click on Shmac’s profile, wondering when’s the last time he was online. He hasn’t tweeted much in the past week—mostly #FairGraduateAdmissions stuff, comments on the peer-review system, a joke about how he’d love to be writing, but with his cat sitting on his laptop he really can’t—

Wait.

What?

I click on the picture attached to the tweet. A black cat is snoozing on top of the keyboard. It’s short-haired and green-eyed and . . .

Not Schr?dinger. It can’t be. All black cats look the same, after all. And this picture—I can barely make out the cat’s face. There’s no way to tell who—

The background, though. The background . . . I know that backsplash. The dark-blue tiles are just like the ones in Levi’s kitchen, the ones I stared at for half an hour last week after he bent me over the counter, and even without them I can see the edge of a carton of soy milk in the picture, which Levi finds “gross, Bee, just gross” but started buying when I told him it was my favorite, and . . .

No. No, no, no. Impossible. Shmac is . . . a five-eight nerd with a beer belly and male-pattern baldness. Not the most perfect Cute Sexy Handsome Guy? in the world. “No,” I say. As if it’ll somehow make everything go away—the last few disastrous days, Shmac’s tweet, the possibility of . . . of this. But the picture is still there, with the tiles, the soy milk, and the—

“Shmac,” I whisper. Hands shaking, out of breath, I scroll back up our message history. The girl. The girl. We started talking about the girl when I—when did we first talk about her? I check the dates, vision blurry once again. The day I moved to Houston was the first time he mentioned her to me. Someone from his past. But, no—he told me she was married. He said her husband had lied to her. And I’m not, so—

But he thought I was. He thought Tim and I were together. For a long time. And Tim did lie to me.

“Levi.” I swallow, hard. “Levi.” This is impossible. Things like these—they don’t happen in real life. In my life. These coincidences, they’re for You’ve Got Mail and nineties rom-coms, not for— My eyes fall on the longest message he sent me.

I know the shape of her. I go to sleep thinking about it, and then I wake up, go to work, and she is there, and it’s impossible.

Oh my God.

I want to push her against a wall, and I want her to push back.

I did that, didn’t I? He pushed me against a wall, and I pushed back. And pushed. And pushed. And pushed. And now I’ve pushed him away for good, forever, even though . . . Oh, God. He has offered me everything, everything I’ve ever wanted. And I am such a cowardly, idiotic fool.

I wipe my cheek, and my eyes fall on the object Levi left on the table. It’s a flash drive, pretty, shaped like a cat’s paw. A calico’s. My laptop doesn’t have a USB port, so I frantically look for an adapter—which of course is at the bottom of the damn suitcase. There’s one single document on the drive. F.mp4. I plop down on the pile of unfolded clothes I just tossed around and immediately click on it.

I knew there were cameras everywhere in the Discovery Building, but not that Levi had access to them. And I don’t understand why he’d give me thirty minutes of night surveillance footage. I frown, wondering if he uploaded the wrong file, when something small and fair slinks in the corner of the monitor.