Love from A to Z(6)

Simple tally marks etched with a pocketknife woke me to my hollowness.

Now it’s Thursday morning, and I’m supposed to be getting up and getting going, but instead, I reach up and touch those tally marks again, wondering if people can get used to this feeling.

Like they get used to other sad stuff.

Anyway, this journal entry is a marvel, so it’s supposed to be positive.

Positive: It’s spring break, and this afternoon I’ll be on my way to Doha.

In about eight hours I’ll hug my family again. Show love to Dad and Hanna again.

And be loved back. For a bit.

? ? ?

Ryan was waiting for me in the common room, sitting in one of the worn-out armchairs, a laptop open on his legs. “Where’s your luggage?”

I lifted a shoulder. “Here.”

“A small duffel? For two weeks?” He closed his laptop and slid it into his backpack before getting up.

“I already got clothes there. This is just stuff I can’t live without,” I said, holding up my guitar case. “You know about the detour we have to take, right?”

“The Rock Shop, aye, aye, sir. I didn’t know you were into metal music.” He led the way down the stairs to the door opening onto the side street, the only place you could find parking, if you were lucky. “That’s not the kind of stuff you play.”

I smiled but kept my mouth shut.

? ? ?

We opened the door labeled THE ROCK SHOP, written out in pebbles. The storefront had no window, so your first taste of the Rock Shop’s wares was literally on the door.

The door yielded the rest of the shop’s treasures. Rocks, pebbles, gemstones, fossils assembled in little baskets placed around the tiny store.

Ryan looked at me. “What’s this? Why are we here?”

I laughed. “Present for my little sister.”

“We could have got some for free near the maths building,” Ryan said, picking up a nondescript-looking gray rock from a tray. “You know, all those shiny white rocks they have around the planters out front?” He turned over the rock in his hand. “Three quid for this? Really?”

I headed straight to the minerals section.

Hanna had asked me for azurite, a blue mineral, to add to her collection. When we were talking on FaceTime, she showed me the space she’d made for it, and I couldn’t help noticing the old Ferrero Rocher tray she kept her favorite rocks in. I knew she liked the candy box for its rounded compartments, perfect for holding each stone, but I could imagine how excited she would be to have her own real display case.

Like the one I’d made for her, now packed between my clothes in the duffel.

? ? ?

After we stopped to eat, Ryan dropped me at the airport. I checked in the case containing the guitar that I’d carefully bubble wrapped, silently praying it would safely reach Doha.

Finding a seat near my boarding gate, I set my duffel between my feet and leaned back into the vinyl.

A couple was right in front of me, their arms draped around each other, laughing at something they were watching on a tablet propped between their laps.

I looked to the left and was met with the sight of another two kissing each other by a mobile-device charging pole.

I glanced over the whole place. Yup, couples dotted here and there, everywhere.

Spring break.

? ? ?

I don’t dare bring up my predicament with Jarred, my dorm mate, or Ryan, my closest friend here in London. They’re both in kind of steady relationships and will tell me to start my own.

They’ll tell me to get a girlfriend. Get it on.

But it’s not physical. (Though that’s mixed in there somewhere too.)

It’s this thing beyond that. I know that may sound weird.

But that’s me.

Besides, Jarred and Ryan don’t get how, for the type of Muslim I am, it’s a one-relationship deal. With one person. Without trying it out or half investments.

And so I gotta be right about a relationship. Before I get too into it.

When you think about it, that seems scary. Impossible.

How do you meet that one exact person who’s right for you?

? ? ?

I’ve met only one person who I thought could maybe be exact for me.

She was a freshman orientation tour guide, and then I saw her again, working as support at the computer lab. The next time I’d noticed her was at the Muslim Student Union welcome dinner.

We started talking every week, mostly at the lab or the MSU.

I liked her because she smiled easily and her voice had this sure quality to it. Like she was confident of whatever she was talking about.

By the end of October I’d made up my mind to ask her if she’d want to get to know each other seriously, and not just at MSU stuff. But then in November, I’d gotten news I didn’t want.

And when I looked up from being so preoccupied with it, she was gone. Literally. She went to Lebanon over the winter holidays and came back engaged.

It was a good thing, too. She couldn’t have been the right one for me.

My November news told me I had other things to deal with.

So I’ve been training myself to make my peace with aloneness.

? ? ?

I rubbed my eyes to clear the happy coupledom scenes from my brain, and, just as I was about to take my laptop out of my duffel to go online, a girl came and sat two seats to the left of the couple in front of me.