Love from A to Z(33)

“I’ll have to check. I don’t know if my dad has stuff planned.” I took another bite of my chicken shawarma sandwich.

“Okay, let me know by tomorrow then? Maybe you could hitch a ride with my dad and me.” She smiled. “You’re practically next door!”

I nodded back at her and then busied myself picking up the lettuce that had fallen out of my shawarma.

Oh boy. Was it true then what Connor had told me? That Emma Phillips still had a thing for me?

Hope it’s just my imagination. The way Madison looked at Emma Phillips just now, raising her eyebrows.

I’d tried for a long time to stay distant but polite with Emma Phillips.

Zayneb stood up suddenly. She bent over and whispered something to Emma Domingo and Emma Zhang. And then turned and left.

I continued eating my shawarma.

? ? ?

She didn’t come back.

I should ask Emma Domingo or Emma Zhang if she actually left.

No, it was better this way.





ZAYNEB


TUESDAY, MARCH 12


ODDITY: IMPULSIVENESS


EXHIBIT A TO Z: THE root of everything that has gone wrong in my life. Like falling for people without thinking things through. And running away from malls where they were sitting close by, because I wanted them to know how much I didn’t care about Ada—I mean them.

It was five p.m., and Auntie Nandy wasn’t back from work yet. As I looked at the food on the dining table from this morning, that I’d covered before leaving for the mall, I remembered she’d said she’d be doing errands all day.

I unraveled my hijab, hung it on the back of a dining room chair, and then methodically packed the breakfast into containers.

I went into the kitchen to put them away in the fridge, and seeing the dirty dishes stacked on the counter, I decided to do them.

I opted out of using the dishwasher. This was my chore at home, cleaning the pots and things that didn’t go in the dishwasher, and, right now, I knew I needed it. I needed the familiarity.

The soapy warm water was like a balm—on my skin and deep inside me—as my arms plunged again and again into it, soaking and scrubbing dishes and cutlery and small pots. When I was done rinsing, I dunked my hands in the sink filled with warm, sudsy, murky water, to squeeze the dish sponge over and over.

Maybe this was the peace I needed, because in that water I saw a truth: Girls like me who see and feel the pains and problems of the world don’t make sense to people. So maybe we’re meant to be alone, or only with people exactly like us.

I’d thought that the Emmas and their friends made sense to me, but, as we hung out, I realized we had nothing in common.

No, this wasn’t the complete truth that I saw in the murky waters, Marvels and Oddities journal.

I’m not supposed to lie to you, and here I am letting a boy come in between you and me.

I also saw the truth of Emma Phillips and Adam.

When I saw him at the food court today, looking so cutely rumpled—had those been splatters of paint on his T-shirt and cargo shorts?—with his hair up, lifted right off his head in some parts, the wrong parts, and yet also falling into his eyes, I’d taken one look at him and bolted inside.

Retreat, Zayneb. He was unattainable. Most likely taken. And supremely not interested in you. For example, see unanswered text of yours from yesterday, whereas he talked to (well, mostly listened to) everyone else around him.

That was what led me to texting him again, Please disregard that last message thanks, on the way home from the mall.

Because I’d wanted him to know just how much I wasn’t thinking of him. So I reminded him of it. That I wasn’t thinking of him.

Oof, I’m such an impulsive klutz.

I let the water drain from the sink and wiped the counters. It was time for Little Women, the one with Winona Ryder as Jo.

I changed into pajamas, undid my hair bun, removed my contact lenses, put on glasses, wrapped Binky around me, cradled Squish, and pressed play on my favorite comfort movie of all time.

As Jo traipsed around being allowed to be angry when she wanted to be, and Amy threw things in the fire during one of her rage sessions, it hit me that maybe it was because Jo and Amy were considered cute that they got away with showing their emotions.

Like the girl on the plane coloring so happily.

Was that a factor in me not being able to just be messy me?

? ? ?

At the part in the movie when Jo’s neighbor Laurie tried to kiss her, my Adam-and-my-hair fantasy popped right back into my head, churning my insides.

God, I had it so bad this time. I’d never felt this intensity with that brief thing I had with Yasin, Ayaan’s friend.

Ayaan.

She, too, hadn’t wanted to answer my texts.

She hated my guts.

I stopped the movie and closed the laptop.

Then, even though it was only seven thirty, I got under Binky, removed my glasses, and closed my eyes.

I didn’t want to think.

? ? ?

Beeps from my phone woke me. It was Kavi messaging me to hop on FaceTime.

“I thought I’d do today’s bulletin face-to-face. Since I miss your face,” she said, her phone far enough away that I could see her sitting crisscrossed on a chair. The brick wall behind her, with its familiar posters (LIBRARIES ARE FOR EVERYONE! and WE READ BANNED BOOKS HERE!) told me she was in the school library quiet room, the exact one we hang out in when we have work to catch up on at lunchtime. The one we call our Situation Room.