Lost and Wanted(59)

I laughed. “No. I would sometimes want to watch a stupid movie—like, a thriller or something, just to relax. But Charlie would want to analyze it.”

“Right,” Terrence said. “She could never just chill. Used to drive me nuts.”

“And you think Simmi’s like that.”

But whatever reserve had lifted for a moment suddenly returned, and Terrence didn’t answer. I probably should’ve stopped there, but I’ve always had trouble letting a question drop.

    “But they couldn’t think that you convinced her to do it that way?”

“Who knows what Carl or Addie thinks? They think somehow I got the drugs for her, from my brother, Ray—which is a joke. He’s been clean thirty years. The doctor who gave it to us, you know where he went to school?”

Terrence didn’t wait for me to guess.

“Tufts. The same diploma that’s on the wall in there.” Terrence looked toward the corner of the house, where Carl had his office with its own entrance. I knew exactly where Charlie’s father’s diplomas hung, above the leather couch where Charlie and I once sat drinking airline bottles of peach schnapps and Baileys Irish Cream, before sneaking out to the clubs on Lansdowne Street. Charlie sitting in the Eames chair, asking me questions in a sonorous voice: What’s the first word that comes to mind when I say the word “mother?”

“Father.”

Hmm, interesting. What did you dream last night, Helen?

I don’t remember my dreams.

Tell me about your earliest memories.

Watching two boys throw a cat back and forth in the alley behind our apartment. It was terrifying.

Charlie tipping her head back, taking another syrupy swig in the dark.

You are deeply fucked-up, Helen. I honestly don’t know if I can help you.

And then the two of us laughing and shushing each other, in case her parents could hear us through the wall.

“Like I just got tired of taking care of her,” Terrence said suddenly.

“That’s absurd.”

Terrence shook his head slowly. “No, it’s not. I did get tired of it. She was all cheerful and fine in the mornings, before Simmi went to school. But then as soon as she left, she would barely talk. Just sleeping and reading all day. Like, you know you have a few months to live, and you’re reading a book?”

“What was she reading?”

    Terrence gave a frustrated sigh. “Who knows? The point is, I was there. But I could have been some health-aide robot. Until Simmi came home, and then she was all over her, kissing her, cuddling her. But if I tried to touch her—”

“Maybe it was too hard.”

“To give me a hug?”

“Because she loved you.”

“She didn’t love me half as much as she loved Simmi.”

“I’m sure that’s not true.”

Terrence didn’t bother to respond to that. He took his phone out of his pocket. “You better get home to your sitter.”

“I’m glad it’s going to work out,” I said. “With the apartment.”

“Yup.”

“I didn’t expect the kids to get along so well. I mean, apart from the other night.”

“He’s a great kid.”

“Thanks.”

“He’s his own little dude, you know—not a follower.”

“I think he’d follow Simmi anywhere.”

“I like him a lot better than those people tonight.”

“You mean Neel and Roxy.”

“She’s cool,” he said. “But that guy…I’m sorry, but I’m surprised you’re still friends. No offense—but he kind of disrespects you.”

“That’s just his manner.”

Terrence raised his eyebrows. “How long were you together?”

“Just a year, officially. Then we went to grad school in different cities. We worked together as postdocs and afterward, but we weren’t dating then. And then it was mostly just email—a lot of email—until I had Jack.”

“Uh huh.”

“Also he was a little high tonight.” Why did I feel the need to defend Neel to Terrence? I’d never had any doubt that Neel respected me as a scientist. But Terrence didn’t know anything about science, and so that couldn’t be what he was talking about.

“I can’t picture him and Charlie hanging out.”

“It was mostly just that time in Gloucester.” If I thought that would prompt Terrence, I was mistaken. He remained stubbornly silent. What had she told him about that weekend? Had she told him it was when she’d given up on Oxford, decided to move to L.A.? Had she said what had forced that decision—that in a way, it was the reason they’d met?

    “And Neel’s not cool, if that’s what you mean,” I said. “Most of us have kind of given up on that.”

“No kidding.”

I couldn’t help feeling a little offended. “The work’s what’s cool.”

“Black holes are cool,” Terrence admitted. “I just question the resources involved.”

“That’s fair,” I said. “It’s not efficient, at least economically.”