Looking for Jane (65)

The nurse bustles off, leaving Nancy alone. She turns left down the hallway toward the staircase. A few steps down, she hears someone on the stairs behind her. When she reaches the front door, she instinctively holds it open.

“Thank you,” the woman says, hurrying past Nancy out onto the porch.

Nancy catches a glimpse of the woman’s profile and feels a twinge behind her navel. Dr. Taylor? At the end of the path, the woman turns left down the sidewalk into the evening sun.

“Dr. Taylor!” Nancy calls. “Dr. Taylor, wait!”

The woman hustles a few more feet before she slows, stops, turns. She’s backlit in the sun, but Nancy is positive it’s her.

“I’m sorry, do I know you?” Dr. Taylor asks.

Nancy falters. Dr. Taylor’s eyes are bright, and her nose is pink, as though she’s been crying. “You, um…” Nancy glances around, but they’re alone on the street, save for a man washing his car several doors down. She closes the space between them. “You helped me out. You know, with a problem I had. A couple of years ago.”

“Ahh, I see. Okay.” Dr. Taylor surveys her for a moment, then nods slowly. “I remember your face now. The raid, right? March of ’81?”

“That was me.”

Nancy never would have expected to run into her, and feels a surprising sense of urgency. She needs to thank the doctor before she loses her chance. “What you did. You might have saved my life, in more ways than one. I know it sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels.”

“I understand. I truly do.” Dr. Taylor looks back at the nursing home, her face dark. “That’s why I do what I do. And I’m so sorry, I see a lot of patients, and for the life of me I just can’t recall your name.”

“Nancy. Nancy Mitchell.”

“Nancy. Hello again.”

“What were you doing at St. Sebastian’s?” Nancy asks, curious.

“I came to say goodbye to a patient of mine. My first patient, actually. And more of a friend than a patient, in the end.”

“Oh.” Nancy frowns. “I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. And you?”

“I volunteer. I sit with the palliative patients. Or at least I used to. Today was my last day. I just got a job in my field.”

Dr. Taylor smiles. “That’s great news, congratulations. So, things have been good since I last saw you?”

“Yeah, pretty good. I just started dating a new guy. He’s a lot different than the guy that—He seems like an adult, and he’s sweet.” Nancy blushes and casts around for a change of subject. “Are you still with Jane?”

A breeze flutters her hair and she pushes it back out of her face, squinting into the sun.

“Yes, very much so,” Dr. Taylor says. “We’re busier than ever, which is both a good thing and a bad thing. It means word is getting around and women are more comfortable calling us, and trusting us, but it’s difficult to keep up with the demand. It’s only a small team of us, right? Just a dozen or so volunteers, and a few doctors.”

“Is Alice still with you?”

“Oh yes. Till the bitter end, I think. She’s a firecracker.”

“She was so kind,” Nancy says. “Please tell her that from me. She made the whole thing a lot easier.”

“I will.”

Nancy licks her lips, the warm moment stretching out into awkwardness. She shared one of her most intimate, emotional experiences with Dr. Taylor, yet somehow she doesn’t really know what else to say.

“I won’t keep you, I’m sure you’re busy. I just wanted to say thank you again. I don’t think I really thanked you properly that night, because of the police and everything, and I was just so distracted and upset. And I didn’t really appreciate it fully until later on. I thought about calling you to tell you that, afterward. I’m sorry now that I didn’t. I want you to know I’m grateful.”

“I know that.”

“Well, I wanted you to hear it.” Nancy smiles at her, wipes away a tear that has slipped down her face. “I don’t know why I’m crying. It was the right thing. I’ve always known that. I knew it then and I know it now. I don’t know what this is about.” She indicates her face and splutters out an embarrassed laugh.

Dr. Taylor waits.

Nancy clears her throat. “Before I saw you, I had just found out something about my past. My family. And I think it kind of sent me off the deep end for a while. I wasn’t careful. I dated a total loser and got pregnant. I’m ashamed of it, in hindsight. I didn’t handle it well. But being able to get help from you and Alice, well…” She wipes her cheek and blinks. “It made all the difference, that’s all. I was able to turn things around instead of getting stuck in the rut I was in with a terrible guy.”

Dr. Taylor smiles, not showing her teeth. “I’m glad to hear that. Sometimes relief can be just as intense as regret. You must know that almost all the women I see shed tears at some point. And often it’s a feeling of relief. Or regret, or shame, or all three all rolled into one messy ball. The point is, it’s okay. To just feel it. To just cry.”

Nancy sniffles. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“Just seeing you, I think it’s bringing that back for me, you know?”