Looking for Jane (43)

Angela frowns. “What do you mean?”

Tina sighs. “To be blunt, I just mean do you really want to read a book about abortion while you’re waiting to find out if you’re pregnant? Now’s probably not a great time to, you know…”

“Revisit that particular trauma?” Angela asks, meeting her wife’s eyes.

“Yes.”

Angela considers this for a moment. “Well, yeah. Maybe you’re right. I’ll hold off a bit. But on that note, I was actually thinking about doing a test. I know it’s a bit early, but…”

With every fertility procedure, she’s found it almost impossible to wait until after her expected period to take a pregnancy test. She knows she should wait, knows there likely isn’t enough hormone in her system to register on the at-home tests, and that she might get a false negative that will send her spiraling. She had an early positive test once, too, but still got her period a few days later. After that, she swore she wouldn’t test early, but her resolve hasn’t held.

“You’re just a couple of days off now, right?” Tina asks.

“Yeah.”

“All right.” She smiles. “Let’s do it.”

Fifteen minutes later, the two of them are squeezed into the tiny apartment bathroom with the pregnancy test resting on the counter. Angela lets her breath out in a guttural growl as Tina sets the timer on her phone for three minutes.

They wait in silence, Angela perched on the edge of the toilet, Tina leaning against the wall across from her. Both are fixated on the tile floor, trying to keep their eyes off the little window on the test that will determine what happens next.

Ten seconds to go.

“Remember, it’s still early,” Tina reminds her.

“I know.”

“We’ll test again in a few days.”

“I know.”

The buzzer goes off on Tina’s phone and they both startle. Angela snatches the test from the countertop, heart hammering.

And there it is: if she turns it into the light just the right way… the faintest blue line. But it’s there. It’s there.

“T,” Angela says, handing it to her wife with a shaky hand. “Look.”

Tina has to squint a little, but her face breaks into a grin.

“You see it, too? I’m not dreaming?”

Tina wraps her arms around Angela, plants a kiss on her forehead. They hold each other under the harsh light of the old halogen light bulbs, the ones Angela usually hates because they highlight every little wrinkle and age spot, cast the most unappealing version of her face. But today those normally unkind lights dug deep to reveal that faint blue line. The bulbs glow over their heads—perhaps not so unkind after all—as tears slip down their cheeks. They’ll cling to that little blue line of hope until they’re forced to let go.



* * *



A week later, Angela and Tina get off the subway and weave themselves in with the crush of other commuters climbing the slushy, slippery cement stairs up to the street level. They’re meeting with their ob-gyn today for the results of the blood test Angela took three days ago, which will—hopefully—confirm the pregnancy. Angela took Tina’s advice and held off on starting The Jane Network until they knew more.

They arrive at the clinic ten minutes early and check in with the receptionist in bubble-gum-pink scrubs at the front desk. “It’s been six months since you updated your emergency contact,” the receptionist says, eyes on her computer screen.

“Oh yeah, sure. It’s still my wife, Tina.”

“Same last name?” the receptionist asks.

“No, she’s Hobbs and I’m Creighton.”

“Okay, great, thank you. Just have a seat and the nurse will come get you in a moment.”

Tina hangs their coats up on a spindly wooden rack and they sit down on the scratchy grey fabric chairs in the packed waiting room. They’re called in twenty minutes later.

Their ob-gyn, Dr. Singh, breezes through the door of the exam room in her green scrubs.

“Hi, Angela, Tina.” She smiles. “How are you both doing today?”

“We’re a bit nervous,” Angela says.

“Like always,” Tina adds.

“Well, I’ll get straight to the point: I have some very good news for you. You are pregnant.”

Tina and Angela’s faces crack into grins.

“We got a decent reading on the HCG in your system, Angela. We have good reason to be optimistic. Now, your iron was a bit low, so I’m going to put you on a supplement to get those levels back up where I’d like them to be, but beyond that, as always, just take it really easy over the next while. No strenuous activity.”

Angela nods. “I know. Thanks.”

“I know this has been a long road for you both,” Dr. Singh says, looking at them each in turn. “It’s not easy, but I’m confident we’ll get there.”

A lump forms in Angela’s throat. “Thanks, Dr. Singh.”

“Before you go, I’ll just get you to give us a urine sample, Angela, and then you can head out. I’ll see you again in a few weeks for your checkup.”

They both nod and smile again as Dr. Singh hands Angela the plastic cup.

“And hey,” she adds, turning back to face them on her way out the door. “Congratulations, you two.”