Looking for Jane (29)
“And that one there’s tiny. Doesn’t look like it’s thriving like the others are.”
Evelyn is stung. How was she supposed to have given birth to a fat baby, with the rations they’re fed at the home?
“I’ve wondered before if they’re diseased or something,” the man continues. “I asked one of the nurses about it once. I said, ‘If there’s something wrong with that one, I don’t want it in with my kid and the other healthy ones!’ But she said it’s just where they put the whores’ babies, you know. They get adopted anyway, so no sense putting a name on it that’s only going to be changed.”
The new father frowns, takes a step back from the glass. “Well, I should get back to my wife.”
“All right, son. Congratulations again to you and the missus.”
“Thank you.” They clasp hands and the younger man turns and wanders back down the hallway.
Evelyn’s mind is reeling and she feels like she’s going to be sick. She ducks her face to hide her swelling red nose, tries to follow in the retreating father’s wake, but the older man is too quick for her.
“Hello, there, sweetheart!” he bellows, and Evelyn gags on the stench of stale cigarettes. “Didn’t see ya there. Come to visit your little one? Which one is it?”
She can’t answer. Instead she turns and flees back down the hallway, crashing through the doors of the maternity ward, shuffling as fast as her stitches allow while the ties of her housecoat flap behind her. She doesn’t stop until she reaches the end of the hallway and realizes there’s nowhere left to run.
CHAPTER 9 Nancy
SPRING 1980
2—5—0—4—6—1.
The leather case opens easily with this new combination of numbers. Nancy’s stomach does a little flip. She carefully lifts the lid.
It’s a set of pale yellow baby booties, hand-knitted, in perfect condition.
Nancy sits there, puzzled. Why would such an ordinary item need to be hidden away like this? Maybe they were her first pair of booties, she thinks. Maybe this box is just for safekeeping, and nothing more. Nancy turns them over in her hands, inspecting them, and feels something hard in one of the toes. She sticks her fingers in and fishes out the culprit—a tiny piece of paper, folded in on itself multiple times.
She unfolds it.
Jane—My name is Margaret Roberts, and I am your mother. I love you. I did not want to give you up. I will never stop searching for you. I hope you have a beautiful life. For the rest of my days, I will always love you.
Nancy’s fingers are shaking so hard that she drops the note.
Shock crashes over her in cold waves. Her ears buzz in the stunning silence of the room and her eyes blur. She feels sick and numb and breathless. Her grandmama’s comment wasn’t a slip of the tongue. She’s been in on the lie, too. Who else knows? How many of her loved ones have been keeping this secret from her?
Nancy snatches up the note, holds it and the booties in her cupped hands like a bomb, steadying her balance. She can sense them heating up, growing heavy. Maybe if she can just keep still enough, lock her gaze, and not even dare to breathe, she can tuck them back in the box and avoid the explosion.
How stupid she’s been. How did she not realize how dangerous it was to open this box? To come looking for it in the first place and idiotically—childishly—set her world spinning on all its axes? She curses her own stubbornness.
Just keep yourself to yourself.
Trying to swallow the sharp dryness in her throat, Nancy lays the booties and note down as gently as she can on the carpet beside the open box, wincing as she pulls her hands away, still waiting for the detonation.
She wipes the tears from her eyes with the back of her hand and stumbles to her feet, lurching to the dresser to pluck a tissue from the box hidden underneath a shiny pink plastic cover. As she blows her nose, she studies the little pile of evidence on the floor. The box is opened wide, like a man’s chest on an autopsy table. It’s glowing in the yellow light flooding into the room from the big window at the end of the hall.
What do I do now? Nancy wonders. Gather up the box and wait downstairs for her parents to come home? Ambush them with a reality they thought was thoroughly hidden? She wants answers to the geyser of questions that just erupted in her mind. What lengths did her parents go to in order to adopt her? What reproductive hell had they been through? Or had they? Was her adoption a gesture of Christian philanthropy, and nothing more? Nancy’s stomach turns into cold steel as it hits her now why her mother has always been so overbearing, so protective.
“Oh, we tried and tried, and then you came along,” her mother had told her once. “Our little gift from God.” Nancy cringes at the memory of what she now knows was a lie. Or a cleverly crafted truth. Looking at the small leather case, she can hardly believe it held a secret this enormous.
She doesn’t know what to do with this information. She can’t hold it in much longer, but she doesn’t know where to put it. It’s taking up every inch of emotional real estate she possesses. It threatens to choke her as it climbs its way up her throat, an insect she’s swallowed whole. She’s feeling everything all at once. She wants to scream at her parents—her parents?—rail against them for keeping her identity a secret for so long, with no indication they were ever planning on telling her.