Long Bright River(107)

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—And what, I say.



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—Say it, I say.



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—And everyone knows you took Thomas.



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I laugh.

—Is that what they say?



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    —That’s the truth, says Kacey. Whatever the circumstances. They know you took Thomas.



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—

I think of the looks on their faces, that day at Ashley’s. All the O’Briens. Shifting and formal and strange. Stiff when I approached them. All of them knew about Kacey. None of them let on. A slow humiliation spreads from the center of my chest outward, a sensation I recognize from childhood, so potent that it almost makes me cry. This is the feeling that being around the O’Briens has always given me. That I’m an outsider, a foundling, someone who doesn’t belong.

I stand up, abruptly, and walk to the edge of the room. I face away from my sister.



* * *



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—I’m their family too, I say at last.



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—

I hear Kacey breathing. Considering what to say next. When she speaks, her voice is delicate.



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—I don’t think any of them knew you cared, she says.



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I clear my throat. Enough of this, I think. Enough.



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—Was Bobby there, I say.



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—Where?



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    —At Lynn’s party.



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I turn to face her. She nods.



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—Bobby was there, she says.



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—And what did your face look like?



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She winces. Perhaps I was too blunt.



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—You mean, she says. You mean was I still beat-up-looking? Yeah. I was. I told him it was an ex. I didn’t say who.



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—That explains it, I say.



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—

—What?



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—I told Bobby you’d been dating someone named Dock. He must have put two and two together. Because apparently Bobby took matters into his own hands after that.



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—

Kacey fights a smile. You’re kidding, she says. Bobby did that for me?



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    I shrug. I don’t approve of her reaction, of her satisfaction.



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—I’ve always liked Bobby, says Kacey.



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—I haven’t, I say.



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—

The whole time we’ve been talking, Kacey has been sitting up on the bed. Now she lies down awkwardly on her side. Head on pillows. She’s tired.



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—What happened at the party, I say finally. At Lynn’s birthday party.



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—Ashley asked me how I felt about inviting Gee, says Kacey. Lynn and Gee see each other, you know. I hadn’t seen Gee in years but I said sure, why not. One of the steps is about making amends, and I have a lot of amends to make, and I figure I could start with Gee.

That night, at Lynn’s party, Gee was great. I mean, she was ornery, she was herself, but she was pretty nice. She said I looked good. Asked what I was up to. I told her I was on methadone maintenance but that I’d been clean besides that. She said I was doing good. Told me to keep trying. Just don’t fuck it up, she said, because Gee is Gee.

By the end of the night I had decided to tell her about the baby. She was going to find out sooner or later, I figured. Might as well break the news. I walked outside with her and stood there with her while she waited for the bus.

Gee, I said, I have to tell you something.

She turned on me with this look of absolute horror.

Oh no, she says. Please tell me you’re not gonna say what I think you’re gonna say.

I started to feel nervous. My hands were shaking, I was sweating.

What do you think I’m gonna say? I said.

Gee’s got her eyes closed now. She’s just saying, No, no.

I’m pregnant, I say.

And Gee actually starts to cry. Have you ever seen her cry in your life, Mickey? I’ve never seen her cry in my life. She puts her face in her hands. I don’t know what to do. I put my hand on her back.