Loathe to Love You (The STEMinist Novellas #1-3)(84)

“I’ll be there, out in the field with you, of course,” Dr. Merel says. I’m a little surprised. In the months we were in Norway, I saw him do very little sample collecting and snow plodding. I’ve always thought of him as more of a coordinator. But if he offered, he must mean it, and . . . I smile. “Perfect, then. Thank you.”

I slip out of the room, and for about two weeks I’m high enough on the knowledge that my project will be happening that I manage to do just that: not let anyone know. I don’t even tell Mara and Sadie when we FaceTime, because . . . because to explain the degree of Ian’s betrayal, I’d have to admit to the lie I told them years ago. Because I feel like a total idiot for trusting someone who deserves nothing from me. Because being honest with them would first require me to be honest with myself, and I’m too angry, tired, disappointed for that. In my rants, Ian becomes a faceless, anonymous figure, and there is something freeing in that. In not letting myself remember that I used to think of him fondly, and by name.

Then, exactly seventeen days later, I meet Ian Floyd in the stairwell. And that’s when everything goes to shit.



* * *





I spot him before he sees me—because of the red, and the general largeness, and the fact that he’s climbing up while I’m going down. There are about five elevators here, and I’m not sure why anyone would willingly choose to subject their bodies to the stress of upward stairs, but I’m not too shocked that Ian is the one doing it. It’s the kind of glory-less overachieving I’ve come to expect from him.

My first instinct is to push him and watch him fall to his death. Except I’m almost sure it’s a felony. Plus, Ian is considerably stronger than me, which means it might not be feasible. Abort mission, I tell myself. Just squeeze by. Ignore him. Not worth your time.

The problems start when he looks up and notices me. He stops exactly two steps below, which should put him at a disadvantage but, depressingly, unfairly, tragically, doesn’t. We are at eye level when his eyes widen and his lips curve in a pleased smile. He says, “Hannah,” a touch of something in his voice that I recognize but instantly reject, and I have no choice but to acknowledge him.

The staircase is deserted, and sound carries far. His “I came looking for you” is deep and low and vibrates right through me. “Last week. Some guy in your office said you don’t work there much, but—”

“Fuck off.”

The words crash out of me. My temper has always been reckless, one hundred miles per hour, and . . . well. Still is, I guess.

Ian’s reaction is too baffled to be confused. He stares at me like he’s not sure what he just heard, and it’s the perfect chance for me to walk away before I say something I regret. But seeing his face makes me remember Merel’s words, and that . . . that is really not good.

He didn’t believe you capable of doing the work.

The worst part, the one that actually hurts, is how thoroughly I misjudged Ian. I actually thought he was a good guy. I liked him a lot, when I never let myself like anyone, and . . . how dare he? How dare he stab me in the back and then address me as though he’s my friend?

“What exactly is it that you have a problem with, Ian?” I square my shoulders to make myself bigger. I want him to look at me and think of a cruiser tank. I want him to be scared I’m going to pillage him. “Is it that you hate good science? Or is it purely personal?”

He frowns. He has the audacity to frown. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“You can cut it. I know about the proposal.”

For a second he is absolutely still. Then his gaze hardens, and he asks, “Who told you?”

At least he’s not pretending not to know what I’m referring to. “Really?” I snort. “Who told me? That’s what seems relevant?”

His expression is stony. “Proceedings regarding the disbursement of internal funding are not public. An anonymous internal peer review is necessary to guarantee—”

“—to guarantee your ability to allocate funding to your close collaborators and fuck up the careers of the ones you have no use for. Right?” He jerks back. Not the reaction I expected, but it fills me with joy nonetheless. “Unless the reason was personal. And you vetoed my proposal because I didn’t sleep with you, what, five years ago.”

He doesn’t deny it, doesn’t defend himself, doesn’t scream that I’m insane. His eyes narrow to blue slits and he asks, “It was Merel, wasn’t it?”

“Why do you care? You did veto my project, so—”

“Did he also tell you why I vetoed it?”

“I never said that it was Merel who—”

“Because he was there when I explained my objections, at length and in detail. Did he omit that?” I press my lips together. Which he seems to interpret as an opening. “Hannah.” He leans closer. We’re nose to nose, I smell his skin and his aftershave, and I hate every second of this. “Your project is too dangerous. It specifically asks that you travel to a remote location to drop off equipment at a time of the year in which the weather is volatile and often totally unpredictable. I’ve been in Longyearbyen in February, and avalanches develop out of the blue. It’s only gotten worse in the last few—”

“How many times?”