Little Secrets(8)

And if, by some miracle, your child is alive, then you stop coming because you don’t want the other parents reminding you of the nightmare you went through, the one they’re still drowning in every single day.

Lila and Kyle’s marriage has been in trouble for as long as Marin has been attending group. Divorce rates for couples with missing children? Exorbitantly high. At least Lila and her husband still fight. Marin and Derek don’t. You have to care at least a little to yell at someone, and he has to care about you at least a little to yell back.

“He’s been spending a lot of time with someone he met at a dental conference a couple of months ago,” Lila blurts. The blood rushes to her face, coloring her cheeks the same shade as the berry on her sweater. “A woman. He says they’re only friends, but there’ve been coffee dates and lunches, and when I asked if I could meet her, he got defensive and said that he should be allowed to have friends that aren’t also my friends. But I think … I think he’s cheating.”

A silence falls over the group.

“Nah, I’m sure he’s not,” Simon finally says. Someone has to say something, and Simon almost always speaks first, because long silences make him uncomfortable.

“He loves you, honey,” Frances offers, but she sounds less than convinced.

Jamie says nothing. She keeps her gaze down, twirling a lock of damp hair around her finger.

There’s another long sigh, and when they all turn to Marin, she realizes she was the one who let out the exhale.

“Maybe he is cheating,” she says. Simon and Frances shoot her a hard look. Marin doesn’t care. She can’t spew bullshit and lie to Lila and tell her things she doesn’t believe are true just to make the other woman feel better. Lila’s child is missing. The very least they can do is not try to talk her out of what she knows she knows. “You know Kyle better than anyone. If your gut tells you he’s cheating, then you shouldn’t ignore it. I’m sorry. You don’t deserve this.”

A giant tear trails down Lila’s cheek. Frances passes her a tissue.

“I should have known something was up,” she says. “Kyle hates making new friends. So do I. You all know what it’s like talking to someone new.”

All of them nod, including Jamie. They do know. New friends are the worst. They don’t know your history, so right off the bat you’re forced to make a choice. Do you want to pretend you’re normal and that your child isn’t missing, which is exhausting? Or are you willing to tell them all about it, which is also exhausting? There’s no halfway point, and either way you go, it sucks.

Lila is overcaffeinated; Marin can tell by the way her leg is bouncing up and down. “I don’t have proof. It’s just a feeling.”

“Are you going to confront him about it?” Marin’s tone is gentle.

“I don’t know.” The other woman’s thumbnail is buried in her mouth, and she’s gnawing on it like a puppy with a bone. “I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I can even get angry. We haven’t had sex in two years. Shit, maybe three, I can’t even remember the last time. If I bring it up, he’s gonna deny it. And we’re gonna fight. God, I am so sick of fighting.”

“You’re married,” Frances says sharply. “Sex with someone else is never part of the deal, I don’t care how long it’s been.”

“Men do have needs, though,” Simon says.

“Don’t be a douche.” Frances reaches over and smacks him on the thigh. Marin’s glad she did, because she would have punched him.

“Ignore Simon,” Marin says to Lila. “Whatever needs men have, it’s not okay what Kyle is doing. But you don’t have to bring it up until you’re ready.”

“What if I’m never ready?” Lila’s eyes begin to well up. “What if I want to stick my head in the sand and not deal with it? I have enough to deal with, you know?”

“If you think he’s cheating, you should leave him.” Frances speaks bluntly. “Once a cheater, always a cheater.”

“But we work together.” The tears are coming out faster now, cutting trails through her foundation and faded blush, and she swipes at them, which only makes it look worse. “We have two kids together. It’s not that simple, Frances.”

“All’s I’m saying is that you shouldn’t stay married to someone who betrays you.” Frances crosses her arms over her chest, something she does when she believes she’s right. “You’re better off alone. No offense to our sweet Simon here, but I figured out a long time ago how to make a life without a man.”

Yeah, and what a life it is. Lila and Marin trade a sideways glance; they’re both thinking the same thing. Frances has a support group and a donut shop, and that’s about it.

“What if I don’t want to ‘figure it all out’?” The thumbnail is back in Lila’s mouth. “What if I don’t want anything to change? What if this is … as good as it gets for me? What if this is all I deserve?”

“Bullshit,” Simon says, but the resigned look on his face doesn’t match his forceful tone.

Frances has nothing to add, and frankly, neither does Marin. She’s too tired for a pep talk, and she doesn’t have the energy to convince Lila of something she hasn’t been able to convince herself of. They all know exactly what she means. Everyone in this room lives every single day with the burden of what they’ve done: they didn’t protect their children. As parents, above all else, that’s the one fucking thing they’re obligated to do.