Life and Other Inconveniences(73)

Always on the fringe, that old familiar feeling.

“Em. Come on out here and play with people your own age.” Jason waved me over to the deck. Miller was already there, looking out over the lawn toward the water. The birds had begun singing their evening songs, and a blue heron made its way slowly across the sky, looking prehistoric as it flew.

“Tess seems like a very bright girl,” I said, sitting down on a lounge chair next to Miller.

“I think she is,” he said. “Thank you.”

“If you ever need someone to talk to,” I said, “I’m a psychologist and all that.”

Really great sell, Emma. He looked at me and smiled a little, his sad eyes crinkling, and for a second I remembered the slight crush I had on him back then. He’d seemed so much older and more together than Jason.

“Thank you,” he said.

“He’s got us, too. You know that, right, Miller?” Jason sat down on the other side of me.

“Of course,” Miller said.

“So things are going well, Em?” Jason asked. “We should have dinner and really talk. We have so much to catch up on.”

We didn’t, to the best of my knowledge. We talked almost every day since I’d gotten here and had never gone for more than a couple of days without some communication.

He was being a little . . . weird. Possessive. Something.

The sun sank behind the pine trees, and the water sparkled with gold and red.

“Did you start that garden?” Miller asked me.

“I did,” I said. “Over behind the garage, on the south side. If you want fresh tomatoes in a month or two, you know where to raid.”

“I love fresh tomatoes,” Jason said. “You put in any basil?”

“A few plants, yep. Parsley, dill.”

“Cool. We have a garden, too. Well. I guess Jamilah has a garden, even if I did all the work putting the plants in.” He waited. Miller was staring straight ahead, so I asked the question Jason seemed to be waiting for.

“And how are things with you and Jamilah?”

He sighed. “Hard to say. Jamilah’s a very high-maintenance woman. I mean, I don’t know what she wants. She’s always looking at me like I’m a huge disappointment, but when I try to talk, she won’t say anything. You can’t win for losing at this marriage game. I mean, she says I need to take more responsibility, but she won’t say at what. You know what I miss? Having fun together. Not to mention sex. When did sex become such a chore for her? Let me tell you, her head almost exploded when I said that. Is that such a crime? I’m telling you, it’s a game. A game that’s fucking rigged against you.”

Well. That was quite the outpouring.

“I’m gonna go find Tess,” Miller said. “Nice talking to you both.”

He left, and I turned to Jason. “Hey. Idiot. His wife is dead.”

Jason closed his eyes. “Fuck.”

“Yes! Maybe now isn’t the time to bitch about your perfectly perfect wife. And in front of me, no less.”

“Why not in front of you?”

I may have growled. “Because I thought you and I were going to get married, Jason. Remember? We had plans.”

“Yeah, well, we were kids, Emma. We were eighteen. How often does that work out?” He patted my hand, and I jerked it away.

“Did you ever really think we’d end up together?” I asked. “Because I did. I know we were young, but I . . . yeah. I thought we’d make it.” It still caused a weird pressure in my chest to think about those early years of parenthood, when the little house with the blue couch fantasy had been my lifeline.

Jason ran a hand through his hair. “I think I was too young. You were more mature.”

“I had to be.”

“I know. And, Emma, you’ve been the best mother. You are the best mother. I can’t tell you how much I see that, and how much I appreciate it. Really. Riley is incredible, and it’s all because of you.”

“You’re right.” Remembering my old promise not to spar with my child’s father, I took a few breaths and a pull of my drink. “I thought you and Miller were closer.”

“Well, we were. Sort of. When Ash died, he just closed himself off.”

“I’m sure it was devastating.”

“It was.”

I hesitated. “How did she die?”

Jason sighed. “Something went wrong during the delivery. She died before the baby was even out.”

“God.” My eyes filled with tears. “Does he have help? A girlfriend or anything?”

“I don’t think so. Ashley’s parents are around and they help out a lot. He had a nanny for a while.”

“He seems lonely.”

“He is.”

“Do you guys go out, ever? Do you have him over for dinner? I’d hope that your parents would—”

“We try! We’re not monsters. Jamilah and I gave him a ton of stuff the boys had outgrown. One of those baby knapsacks, the highchair . . .”

“There you are,” Genevieve said, her tone frosty. “Emma, Saanvi wanted to speak with you. If you’re not too busy.”

“Not at all,” I said, getting up and coming back inside.

It was darker now, and the lights were on in the house, low and tasteful. In the fireplace, white candles flickered, and Shaylee was making the rounds with another tray of food.