Let's Explore Diabetes with Owls(60)

“The important thing is not to give in to defeat,” my father said. He sounded so strong, so completely his younger, omnipotent self, that I hated to tell him I was kidding. “You’ve got to fight,” he said. “I know that you’re scared, but I’m telling you, son, together we can lick this.”

Eventually I would set him straight, but until then, at least for another few seconds, I wanted to stay in this happy place. So loved and protected. So fulfilled.





Dog Days




Pepper, Spot, and Leopold

were sent by God, so I’ve been told,

in hopes we might all comprehend

that every dog is man’s best friend.



Hail hyperactive Myrtle,

owned by folks who are infertile.

Her owners boast as she runs wild,

“She’s not a spaniel, she’s our child!”



Hercules, a Pekingese,

was taken in and dipped for fleas.

Insecticide got in his eyes.

Now he’ll be blind until he dies.



Rags, the Shatwells’ Irish setter,

doubles as a paper shredder.

His lunch was bills and last year’s taxes,

followed by a dozen faxes.



Petunia May they say was struck

chasing down a garbage truck.

A former purebred Boston terrier,

her family’s wond’ring where to bury her.



Most every ev’ning Goldilocks

snacks from Kitty’s litter box.

Then on command she gives her missus

lots of little doggy kisses.



The Deavers’ errant pit bull, Cass,

bit the postman on the ass.

Her lower teeth destroyed his sphincter.

Now his walk’s a bit distincter.



Bitches loved the pug Orestes

till the vet snipped off his testes.

Left with only anal glands,

he’s now reduced to shaking hands.



Dachshund Skip from Winnipeg

loves to hump his master’s leg.

Every time he gets it up, he

stains Bill’s calves with unborn puppy.



A naughty Saint Bernard named Don

finds Polly’s Kotex in the john.

He holds the blood steak in his jaws

and mourns her coming menopause.



A summer day and shar-pei Boris

sits inside a parked Ford Taurus.

He yaps until his throat is sore,

then pants awhile and yaps some more.



An average day and poor Raquel’s

being shot with cancer cells.

Among her friends she likes to crab

that she’s a pointer, not a Lab.



Each night old Bowser licks his balls,

then falls asleep till nature calls.

He poops a stool, then, though it’s heinous,

bends back down and licks his anus.





About the Author

David Sedaris is the author of the books Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk, When You Are Engulfed in Flames, Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim, Me Talk Pretty One Day, Holidays on Ice, Naked, and Barrel Fever. He is a regular contributor to The New Yorker and BBC Radio 4. He lives in England.