Last Summer(50)

“Let’s get back to Steph,” Ella says quietly, giving him a chance to regroup. “Yesterday you mentioned she found being married to you—what’s the word you used? Taxing?”

He nods.

“But she was afraid of being left alone?”

“She worried whenever I left the house. I’d go out to buy groceries and she worried. I’d take a walk and she worried. She worried most when I left to film a challenge on my show.”

“She thought you’d injure or kill yourself.”

He nods. “What I did was dangerous. I should have listened to her and stopped a long time ago.” Remorse is a leaden weight in his voice.

“Can you tell me about Carson?” she asks cautiously, steering the conversation back to his son. He knows they have to go there, to his dark place. She hopes he’s ready. If not, she may have to backtrack again and try a different angle. Revisit the topic of his son later this evening.

Nathan tosses back the remainder of his bourbon and leaves the glass on the table. Ella’s inclined to offer him a refill, but she doesn’t want to disturb the moment.

“Carson was a great kid,” he says thickly. “He was adventurous like me. You would have liked him.” He rubs his face, stares for a moment into the fire between his fingers, then drops his hands. “Every so often, I’d take Carson on location with me. He’d hang with the set crew and trail Jeff everywhere. Jeff was one of my cameramen. Then, when we’d get home, Carson would recreate the challenges he saw on my episodes, on a much smaller scale.”

“Can you give me an example?”

Nathan thinks for a moment, then his face lights up. “He once filled a dirt pit with water and drove his motorized toy jeep through the mud. He’d seen me drive a Renegade through a river. He’d do stuff like that. Make a mess in the yard. Steph would have to hose him off before she allowed him back into the house.”

Ella shares his smile. “Carson had an imagination.”

His smile turns sad. “A big one.”

“You were proud of him.”

“Yes, of course.”

“And Stephanie?”

“She feared Carson would turn out like me, daring and reckless. She knew right away we were wired the same. Carson was always getting into or doing something she considered dangerous. I didn’t mind. I had a great relationship with my dad. I wanted Carson to have that with me.

“Carson lived to have fun, but he lived hard. Steph was always cleaning scrapes, wrapping wrists, or icing a knee. She told me more than once he was going to get himself killed. I’d laugh it off and tell her to chill. He’s a boy. Let him have his fun. She didn’t like that answer. She left and she took my son. She thought that without her and Carson, I’d consider changing my ways so I wouldn’t be such a bad influence. It’s ironic, you know? The same woman who was hoping for the most publicity possible at our wedding so I could get another TV gig was now asking me to stop doing what I do.”

“So did you? Change your ways, that is?”

He shakes his head. “The opposite. After they left, I’d free-fall past the safety threshold. I’d wait until the last possible moment to pull my chute. I’d take my motorbike off-trail without any idea of the terrain in front of me. I did stupid, stupid shit. Luck’s the only reason I’m alive.”

“I highly doubt that. I’m sure skill has a lot to do with it. But that makes me wonder.” She takes a breath before asking, “Were you trying to kill yourself?”

“I was trying to feel alive. I felt dead after Steph took Carson away. Worse after he died.”

“Is that why you canceled the series? Why not just take a hiatus?”

The timer in the kitchen dings. Nathan blinks and Ella startles. She pushes out a breath and scoots away from Nathan. So absorbed in his story, she hadn’t noticed that she’d inched closer to him, close enough that their thighs were touching.

Nathan glances in the direction of the kitchen.

“We should take a break,” Ella suggests.

“Yeah,” he says, standing.

Ella is glad he agreed because she needs one, too.

She collapses against the couch cushions, her gaze trailing Nathan as he moves to the kitchen, her mind on Simon. What would he have been like as a kid? Would he have been adventurous and rebellious? Or would he have been more studious and reserved?

She wishes she’d had the chance to find out.





CHAPTER 20

They indulge in a meal of savory venison stew. Their discussion earlier affected Nathan more than Ella anticipated. Seventeen months after his son’s death and Nathan still has a difficult time talking about him. In one sitting, anyway. Ella fears that bringing up his son again tonight and delving into his reasons for canceling his series might entice Nathan to retreat. He’ll clam up, shut down, even run. Everything he’s been doing since Carson’s death. Dashing her hopes to get an invite to Alaska. She’s going to need it if she wants to get more time with him.

So she compliments the meal and flatters his sense of fashion. She strokes his ego and teasingly comments on his arrogance.

“You think I’m cocky?”

“No.” She laughs the word. “You’re exceedingly self-confident.”

“See? You said it. I’m cocky.”