Landon & Shay: Part Two (L&S Duet #2)(34)

The interview was my fifth one of the day, and after it finished, I headed straight home for the night. My favorite thing to do after a long day of interviews was to go home, flop down on my couch with my dog, and overthink every stupid thing I might’ve said.

The way you said something during interviews could be completely misunderstood, making me have the heaviest cases of anxiety. You could look like an asshole when you thought you were making a goofy joke. You could look like a moron when you misunderstood something the host was asking you.

I was blessed with an overactive mind. I thought too fucking much. Half the things that went wrong in my head, no one else even noticed. But me? I broke down every second of every day, because I didn’t know how to shut off that part of my brain.

I was sure that process of overthinking was super healthy and super helpful.

After a while, I shifted my thoughts to something else because finding the flaws in my performances was painfully draining. Greyson had called me earlier that week to update me on the whiskey launch party, which I was sponsoring for him, and it felt good to talk to him.

Over the past few months, Greyson had been through some of his own hellish wars, and it was only recently that he began reaching out to me as opposed to me calling him day in and day out—all because of a nanny named Eleanor.

Ever since she came back into Greyson’s life, he was becoming more and more of the person I knew he was deep inside. He was waking up from the worst nightmare because that woman was willing to be patient with his brokenness.

The last time I’d spoken with Greyson, he’d made sure to note that Shay would be coming to the whiskey launch with Eleanor, seeing how they were cousins.

I would have liked to say I hadn’t thought about her over the past few years, but that would’ve been a straight-up lie.

When I thought about the defining moments of my life, Shay was at the top of my list. She was the first and pretty much only person who’d ever been able to wake me up from my deep slumber. Before her, I’d struggled so much with who I was, with my worth, with why I had been brought into this world. After a few months with her, she’d helped me see clearer. She’d opened my eyes to possibilities and made me dream of a future, a future I’d once thought I’d never get to experience, a future I almost missed out on living. I had left her side thinking someday I’d find myself, which would lead me back to her arms. I’d thought with some practice, I’d figure out the broken pieces of me and be enough of a man for her to love.

It turned out that shit wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t magnificent at self-discovery.

I failed time and time again, and when years passed by, I knew she was better off without the mess I would’ve left upon her front door. I moved on, knowing she would be better if she did the same. There were so many times I wanted to go back to her, but I knew I couldn’t show up to her with my broken pieces, hoping she’d help heal them. I knew she was better off without the mess I would’ve left upon her front doorstep.

It came down to me not being selfish. It came down to me not trying to lean on her in order to keep me standing. It came down to me wanting more for Shay than I could’ve ever given her. She wanted all of me, yet my heart worked in phases like the moon. It shifted every few weeks, sometimes feeling completely full, other times looking like a crescent sliver.

Still, she crossed my mind every now and again. Now that Greyson had informed me she’d be in attendance at the whiskey launch that coming weekend, she was making an appearance in my thoughts much more regularly.

What was she like nowadays?

What did she do?

Were her eyes still as brown and full of hope as they were before?

Who did she love?

That question passed through me more than most—who did she love today, and who loved her back?

Most of the women I spent my time with never really stuck with me. I was known for my speed-dating persona because I never settled down, always moving on to the next. Most people probably thought it was because I was this Hollywood superstar who didn’t have to settle down. They probably thought I was only searching for sex but that was a lie.

I was searching for anything that had a small resemblance to the first girl who’d ever loved me—the real me, the broken me, the scarred boy who didn’t know how to love himself.

I was looking for parts of Shay in every woman who crossed my path, but they never got close to the way she sparked something intense throughout my entire being.

Rookie crawled into my lap and began snoring with his heavy breaths.

After my dog, Ham, passed away years ago, it took me a while to consider getting another companion. Maybe individuals who weren’t dog people would’ve never understood the heartbreak that happened when a person’s dog passed away, but to me it felt like losing a best friend. Ham had stood by my side through the hardest periods of my life, both in my youth and in my career. Losing him almost killed me, too.

I put off getting another dog for the longest time. I felt as if I was somehow betraying Ham for moving on, but the moment I saw Rookie in the shelter, I knew he was the right one for me. He peed on my shoes and everything. Ever since then, we’d been attached at the hip. He was a small toy poodle—a very manly man dog, obviously—and he was treated like a king upon kings. The next day, he and I would be headed back to Chicago for the whiskey launch party the following weekend. The next day, I’d be in pretty much the same city and breathing the same air as Shay. A few days after that, we’d be face to face.