Lakewood(59)

I walked back over to Charlie and Mariah when I felt less like I might start crying. They had pulled out the food we had brought to snack on. Blueberries, extra-sharp cheddar, crackers, beers. I asked them what they thought was the point of the studies, what were they truly trying to learn. Mariah said probably a lot of things. Charlie said it was a memory study. He didn’t look at me. He focused on using his pocketknife to cut the cheese into manageable chunks.

Maybe, I said, it’s like what’s going on in other countries. The doping, the experiments on soldiers and athletes. Maybe the United States was more cautious than other countries. They were using nobodies like us first, so they didn’t accidentally damage someone important. Charlie made an attempt at a joke, something about him being a very important person. I did not smile; we were not on good enough terms for me to pretend there was merit in his attempts at being funny. Mariah said she didn’t read the news. She kept asking me questions, kept patting her body and saying, But I don’t feel special. Why would they choose someone like me?

I wished again that these were people I could absolutely trust. It took two months, living together and having a class together, for me to know we were really friends. Tanya, it was the time we stayed up all night freshman year, trying only to speak Spanish to get ready for our exam. You snorted when you laughed and didn’t try to hide it. You didn’t care that I had to keep reminding you about the gender of certain words. You just kept laughing. I knew we were friends then because in public, you keep yourself polished. You always dress well, you think before you speak. Everything you do with most people gives off the sense that you are thinking deeply.

Would I feel as lost here if I trusted these people?

And doesn’t trust lead to love? And wasn’t loving my mom, my grandma too much the reason why I was in Lakewood?

Mariah said, Sometimes I think they’re just torturing us.

I feel that way too, I said. Like they’re trying to see how much they can take from us, mentally, physically, emotionally, before we break. I cracked open my can of beer, looked up at the moon. Maybe the hypothesis is how much do people value money over themselves? I told them how I had heard an older man say that he thought studies were going on here since he was a boy. I turned to Charlie. Made eye contact, tried to look soft as I asked if that could be true.

Charlie said we should talk about something else. We were making him uncomfortable.





26


Dear Tanya,

It’s very late. I haven’t been able to sleep. Today was Day 66. The fake-life me found a bat in the warehouse again. I complained to Charlie and said if he wasn’t going to take this seriously, I was going to take this to corporate. What happened is Judy, Mariah, and I all came in early. We were given pills whose side effects might make us feel very sick, we might have painful, excessive bowel movements after they wore off. Headaches. Nausea.

I told them that sounded miserable. Einstein Eyebrows tried to make some joke, but the gist of it was just do it. Do you think people really believe another person’s pain exists? Do you remember that white girl at college who said—and she was so proud and it made us both furious—she liked to go to cities in the aftermath of a police shooting? She didn’t bother to lie about standing in solidarity, bringing needed resources, or in any way hiding the fact that it was all about the spectacle, about being able to see she was part of something big. The girl had done it twice; stayed in hotels, watched the protests, kept herself safe and distant. She said over and over she had been there, as if that alone warranted someone handing her some roses and a fucking tiara. I had asked her what the point was of going there just to watch. The girl shrugged and left quickly after people started asking her further, meaner questions.

The way the observers were acting reminded me of that fucking shrug.

After we each took one, Pancake Butt said, Oh shit, I forgot to ask. Are you menstruating? When we said no, all the observers acted super-relieved. Internally, I screamed. I saw myself knocking over all their coffee cups while reminding them this is our health, our lives. Instead, I went to the vending machines and bought myself, Mariah, and Judy candy bars.

At lunch, Charlie and I sat outside at the picnic table. He told me when he was finished eating his sandwich that it looked like something was wrong with my car. I was about to ask what it was, and then we made eye contact. It was clear he wanted to talk privately. As we walked over to it, Charlie told me there were blank spots in his memory. But he remembered being in a room filled with gray plants. They had him eat one that looked like parsley, but tasted hot, like chili pepper. It made him throw up. Then he got very jittery and excited as if he had drunk too much coffee. At my car, he pointed to the back tires and said loudly, I must have been mistaken. He looked around and said, I guess maybe what I’m trying to say is I didn’t know there was a whole facility underground. Maybe it’s possible this has been happening for longer than I thought. I would’ve been happier if he had apologized for doubting me or if he hadn’t looked so pleased with himself. But it made me a little less angry at him. I squeezed his arm.

Then he surprised me. Charlie squeezed me back. He said I had to promise not to talk to anyone about this. That it could hurt me, my mom, but also everyone else in these studies. We all have good reasons for being here, Lena, he said. His voice cracked. He sounded 16.

I was about to remind him I had signed an NDA just like everyone else. That I had great reasons for staying here. But I noticed something moving out of the corner of my eye. It was Smith, watching us from the sidewalk. He was smoking a cigarette. I pushed Charlie’s hand off my arm and walked back into the office.