Lady Smoke (Ash Princess Trilogy #2)(117)

“I asked S?ren to do it for a reason,” he says, his voice low and hard. “His soul is already black; he’s killed before—”

“So have I,” I interrupt, startling him.

“That’s not the same thing. Ampelio—”

“It’s exactly the same thing,” I say, my voice strengthening. “I killed Ampelio to save myself and to save the rebellion. The same thing was at stake this time, only more so. Hundreds of lives would have been lost if I’d waited a few more minutes. I tried to bring you back like before, but you were gone and I couldn’t wait any longer. So I did what I had to do, and if you keep insisting on putting yourself and all of us at risk, I will do it again.”

He’s quiet for a moment, looking down at his hands. “Are you afraid of me, Theo?” he asks, his voice so quiet I can barely hear him even in the silent cabin.

I open my mouth to deny it but quickly shut it again. “Yes,” I tell him honestly. “I’m afraid of you.”

He’s hurt, but unsurprised. “I’m sorry. That’s the last thing I want.”

“I know,” I tell him. Part of me wants to reach out and take his hand, but a larger part holds back. I try to spin myself an excuse for why that is, but the truth is that I don’t want to touch him. I don’t want to feel his hot skin and look into his eyes and see him as he was earlier, nothing but an empty face and frightening power. A stranger with the power to kill. I am afraid of him and I don’t know how not to be.

“I’m asking you to stay out of the battle tomorrow,” I tell him.

His entire body stiffens but he doesn’t look at me.

“You saw my power, Theo. Imagine what I could do on that battlefield. The gods crafted me into a weapon and you have to wield me as one.”

I shake my head. “You’ll hurt too many innocent people in the process.”

When Blaise speaks, it’s through gritted teeth. “The gods wouldn’t allow that.”

“I might have believed that before today,” I say. “After we reclaim the Fire Mine, we’ll take the Earth Mine and we will pray to all of the gods that there is someone there who will know what to do, how to help you, how to train you so that you can use this gift without hurting yourself or us.”

“You’re my Queen, Theo,” he says quietly. “You could order me not to go.”

“I know,” I tell him. “I’m not going to do that. But I am asking you and I believe that you’ll do the right thing.”

He stares at me a moment longer, his expression unreadable, before he gives a sharp nod.

When I leave him alone in the cabin and close the door behind me, I let out a sigh of relief.





ROWBOATS BRING US TO THE shores of Astrea—they bring us home. Though it has been ruled by my enemies for most of my life, it still lifts my heart to see it. Those rocky shores, the rolling green hills behind them, the quickly fading night sky overhead—all of it is a part of me, deeper than bones or muscle or blood. Astrea is mine and I am hers.

It takes a dozen trips back and forth to unload all the warriors, if they can truly be called that. Though S?ren and Artemisia say they’ve trained well in the last two weeks, they are still civilians—bakers and teachers and potters and such. Some of them are old enough to be grandparents; others are as young as fourteen—children. At least they would be in a different world, a fairer world. All of them asked to fight, they trained hard, and they are all going into this battle knowing that they very well may not survive it.

There will be more blood on my hands after this is done, no matter how it ends. I will have killed them by sending them into this battle.

“How did you do it?” I ask S?ren from where we sit on a cluster of boulders, watching the warriors line up. He glances at me, brow furrowed, and I clarify. “When you led battalions. You knew that not everyone would survive, even when you led them into a battle you were sure you’d win. You knew there would still be casualties. How did you send them into battle anyway?”

He considers it for a moment, his gaze unwavering as he looks out at the assembling troops. His expression is unreadable, carved from stone. There was a time I thought that was all he was—a hard, emotionless shell—but I know better now. I know that expression is its own kind of armor, donned whenever he feels vulnerable.

“I suppose I never really thought of myself as their leader, even when I was giving orders. My men and I were a team and I respected them enough to believe that they knew the risks and were making a choice. I respected that choice.”

“You fought beside them, though. What you asked of them was nothing you weren’t willing to give yourself. But I’m ordering them to fight while watching from a safe distance.” It’s difficult not to keep the bitterness out of my voice.

My eyes find Artemisia in the crowd, her shock of blue hair making her stand out. She shouts commands, arranging everyone into lines and groups. In a different life, could I have been as fierce as she is? Could I have charged into battle and cut my way through a sea of enemies with ease and grace?

That path must have existed for me at some point, but it’s long gone now.

“They’re following you, Theo,” S?ren says. “You can’t fight alongside them, but you can still be the leader they need, and in order to do that, you have to respect the choice they’re making. You have to send them into battle and do everything you can to make sure as many of them make it back as possible. And then you have to honor the fallen as best you can by continuing to fight for a world they would be proud to live in.”