Just The Way You Are(92)

‘Speaking of kisses…’ he said, jabbing at his haddock with the wooden fork. ‘I owe you an apology.’

I kept my eyes on my chips, trying to ignore the flutter in my belly. We were sitting side by side on the grass, and I was suddenly hyper-aware of his arm, only inches away from mine. ‘No, I’m the one who needs to say sorry. It was rude to leave you standing there.’

‘You’ve been completely upfront about your commitment to stay single until your list is completed. I disrespected that, and you, by what I said.’

I nodded. Not that I agreed with him, but it was easier than trying to speak.

‘I’d have felt terrible if you’d broken your promise, because of me. I…’ He paused, shaking his head slightly before quickly glancing over. ‘If I’m being honest, I got carried away, with the music and the wine, and everything so beautiful in the starlight.’ He pulled a wry smile. ‘That’s not completely true. It was you. You looked so beautiful. I mean… you always look… you are beautiful. I knew you weren’t interested in anything more than friendship, but it felt like… I thought that… there was something there. With us. That it wasn’t just me. Which was clearly wishful thinking, probably helped along by Ebenezer’s wine. So like I said, I’m really sorry. It won’t happen again.’

I really hoped Sam couldn’t tell how disappointing that felt. Even as I knew it was the only way to avoid far greater disappointment later on.

‘Thank you. Apology accepted.’ I took a deep breath, and in the safety of the evening shadows, it felt easier to appease his guilt with some honesty of my own. ‘And it wasn’t wishful thinking. I felt it too.’

His head jerked up, with a look of utter surprise. I hurried to get the rest of my words out. ‘But I wouldn’t have kissed you, even if I’d finished the Dream List. The whole point of it was to learn how to be my own person, to be content with my life so one day I can share that with someone else. While I’ve realised I don’t need a committed relationship in order to be happy or complete, I’ve also realised that I do want one. I’m a “not yet” when it comes to falling in love. You’re a “never”. I really like you, Sam, but I’m not interested in casual dating or some sort of friends with benefits thing that’s not going anywhere.’

I didn’t add that my heart really couldn’t take another bashing so soon after Joan had left, and it would be impossible for me to kiss or date Sam and keep it casual.

‘Yes, of course. No, totally. I completely understand. I don’t want that either. I wouldn’t normally… I mean, I haven’t… You’re the first person I’ve wanted to kiss since Carrie. I don’t make a habit of ambushing my friends.’

‘It’s none of my business who you choose to ambush,’ I said, managing to keep my tone light-hearted despite every nerve in my body crackling in response to his words. ‘As long as it’s not me from now on.’

‘Absolutely.’ He got to his feet, screwing up the empty chip paper. ‘Although, like I said—’

‘So, is this it then, for the grand Bigley Bottom tour?’ I asked.

Sam blinked a couple of times as if readjusting to the sudden change of subject. ‘There is one more place I’d like to show you, if that’s okay?’

He seemed slightly hesitant, almost nervous as he led me towards the far side of the village. When we stopped outside a large Georgian house, I realised why.

‘Four generations of Parker and Sons were born and raised here. That window, there, is where I came into the world.’ He turned to point at a side building. ‘That used to be the office.’

‘So your great-grandfather started the law firm?’

We leant on the white fence that bordered the imposing front garden. Sam wasn’t worried that his parents would spot us snooping, as they were on holiday.

‘Every male descendent since has joined as a solicitor, along with my cousin Kitty.’

‘I wonder how many of them hated it, and spent their days wishing they had the courage to pack it in and become a ranger.’

‘Well, none of the others had a nervous breakdown, as far as I know.’ He pushed away from the fence, readying to move on. ‘Still, every family has its weak link, as Dad loves to remind me.’

‘You know that’s rubbish, though, don’t you?’ I asked, keeping my voice soft so that the anger and disgust didn’t show.

‘Yeah, most of the time.’

I wasn’t convinced.

‘At least I’ve not had any children so I don’t have to face that battle.’ We began walking back into the village. ‘Tom and Megan’s fourteen-year-old, Ethan, wants to be a fashion designer.’

‘Oh, I bet your dad loves that!’

‘They haven’t told him.’

‘Might take some heat off you once they do.’

We walked back through the village in silence, until reaching Hatherstone Lane. ‘I know it shouldn’t bother me. In the rational, logical part of my head it doesn’t. But everywhere I turn in this village I see our family history. I can’t help wondering sometimes whether my ancestors would be as disappointed as Dad says.’

‘Even with Tom and Chris working for the firm? It’s not like it all depends on you to keep the legacy going. Even if it did, nothing lasts forever. There’s nothing to gain in carrying on just because people who aren’t here any more might feel upset about it.’