Just The Way You Are(43)

Again, good/rubbish to know. I swallowed back the lump of humiliation now blocking my throat and tried not to think about how Steph and I had been discussing my wedding dress only a few days earlier. I could pretend that had nothing to do with Sam, except that we’d considered adding gold beading to match his eyes.

‘So we’re friends?’ I offered a smile, to show how nice and friendly and chilled I was.

‘Don’t smile!’ he muttered urgently. ‘It’ll only encourage her.’

At that point, the ma?tre d’ appeared like a ghost out of nowhere. ‘Sir, will you be joining madam?’

Sam shifted in his seat, a faint blush rising up his cheeks that completely contradicted everything he’d just said. My foolish heart pounded a little harder against my ribs. ‘Is that okay?’ he asked, glancing first at the ma?tre d’, then at me.

‘You might as well stay now you’re here,’ I said, trying hard to keep my smile under control. ‘Seeing as we’re friends.’

‘Very good.’ The ma?tre d’ nodded. ‘Can I get you anything, then, sir? A drink, perhaps, or the menu?’

Sam ordered a coffee, we both ordered the same dessert, and then we were alone again.

He looked at me before dropping his gaze to the table and then back up, the question bubbling under his skin.

‘Go on, ask me,’ I said, my stomach deliciously full.

‘It’s none of my business.’

‘And? If we only ever asked questions that were our business it’d be a pretty rubbish conversation.’

‘Were you stood up?’ he asked, after hesitating for another moment.

‘No.’

‘So this was part of the Dream List?’

My stupid, starving hormones couldn’t help pinging to attention at how his face shone with relief.

‘Well, duh!’ I grinned, admiring the beautiful room. ‘What kind of a Dream Man wouldn’t have brought me here.’

‘This place only opened a few months ago. I thought you made the list when you were at school.’

Reminder to self: Sam never forgets anything I say.

‘It’s an evolving document. Not sure Pizza Hut is quite my idea of a dream date these days.’

‘Fair enough.’ He paused while the waitress delivered our coffee and chocolate crémeux. ‘So, the other night…?’

‘A romantic dinner for one.’

He automatically glanced down at my jumpsuit.

‘I think Megan and Tom are trying to say goodbye,’ I said after a few seconds, breaking the loaded silence.

Sam glanced over to see Megan grinning and bouncing about on her toes as Tom tried to herd her out of the room. Sam scrunched up his face in apology. ‘I didn’t want to tell her that you’re not interested in seeing anyone. It’s none of her business.’

I took a second to finish off the last of my wine. ‘You could have just told her that you aren’t interested in me.’

Sam smiled behind his coffee mug. ‘She’s decided beggars can’t be choosers.’

‘And you’re the beggar? I don’t know if that’s more insulting to you or to me.’

‘She didn’t actually say that! Just, well. Like I said, she has a hard time understanding why I want to stay single.’

‘So why do you?’ I asked, feeling bold in the gentle glow of the candlelight.

He fiddled with his fork for a few moments. ‘My lifestyle change wasn’t as simple as I made it sound. I’d been working for the family firm since I left law school. I didn’t hate it – not initially. But it wasn’t right for me. Putting on a front, pretending I cared about contracts and closing deals was exhausting. My family thought I had everything – the salary, success. A beautiful girlfriend waiting for a ring. All I wanted was to be out in the open air. It felt like my soul was withering away cooped up in the office for fourteen hours a day.

‘Eventually, I couldn’t pretend any more. To cut a grim story short, I had a nervous breakdown. I still might not have left, might have fought my way back, to please my girlfriend, Carrie, prove to Dad that I wasn’t the weak son, unable to hack it, except that Mum stepped in and told me I had to leave. Told Dad, Tom and Chris that I wasn’t coming back.’ He paused to take a bite of dessert, but his eyes were fixed on a distant memory. ‘Carrie was beside herself with worry. She thought that if she loved me enough, I would get better and we could go back to how things were. She couldn’t accept that it was how things were that made me ill in the first place. When she couldn’t make me happy, she felt like I’d rejected her. Failing her on top of everything else crushed me.’

‘I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.’

‘Yeah. So, I decided I’m done with having to please other people. And however like-minded or supportive someone might be, a relationship always requires compromise, and working to try to meet expectations, and having to worry about someone. I just can’t do that any more. I’m more than happy to have good friends, and a fantastic mum, and the best two dogs who ever lived.’

‘I can understand that.’

Sam smiled at me. He knew how true that was.

‘So, given that I’m a sworn bachelor, if you ever change your mind and decide you want a totally platonic partner on any of these Dream List adventures, give me a shout.’