Jersey Six(93)

In tiny increments, he shook his head a half dozen times, focusing back to the sky. “Yeah, well, welcome to my world.”

Jersey climbed out of the car and walked closer to the steep drop-off. A few seconds later, Ian’s car door clicked shut, and clumps of dirt and brush crunched beneath his feet as he approached her.

“I don’t know much about love.” She crossed her arms over her chest, focusing on the sea of lights. “I think Dena and Charles loved me. And I think G loved me. Sometimes, I even think Chris loved me.

“I don’t really think sex is love. I know people say ‘make love,’ but I’ve never felt it. Even with us, I sometimes wondered if that’s what we were trying to do, but I couldn’t make love to someone who took my life. And that’s what I thought … I thought you took my life from me.”

“So what is love to you?”

She quickly wiped a stray tear from her cheek and sniffled. “When Dena used to braid my hair and tell me what a strong young woman I was and how I was going to do amazing things in life … change the world. That was love. And when Charles promised he would never do anything to lose my trust, never be anything like the men before him; he made sure my bedroom door had a lock on the inside that no one could open from the outside because he wanted me to feel safe. That was love.”

More tears escaped. “And when G carried me upstairs and tended to my wounds … when she told me one-eared bunnies still hop …” Jersey’s voice cracked. “When she picked up that baseball bat after … Mr. … Mr. Fisher crossed the final line, when he took my virginity.” A sob escaped, and Jersey covered her mouth to catch it. “That was love.”

“Jersey …”

She held out her hand to keep him from coming closer and shook her head. “You not talking to me was not love. Why did you think it was okay for you to know my secrets but not okay for me to know yours?”

He rubbed the back of his neck. “I was ashamed of what I did to him. It wasn’t right. It wasn’t going to bring Charles and Dena back.”

“Ashamed?” She jerked her head back. “You tried to kill him. I did kill him. What does that say about me?”

“You killed him to save my life.”

She laughed as pain bubbled to the surface. Making things right for Karma was a lot harder than she expected. “I was so fucking close to killing you because I thought you killed Dena and Charles.”

“Not the same, Jersey!” Ian ran his fingers through his hair, tugging it a bit. “I stumbled into your life. You didn’t hunt me down. And you wanted to kill me for more than just them. You wanted to kill me because you thought I stole your life, your future.” Ian laced his fingers behind his head and looked up at the sky. “I had everything. No one stole my future. I hunted a man down and lit him on fire. And unlike you, I didn’t have a single emotion that played in my conscience. Not a moment’s hesitation. Not one unshed tear.”

“I let you into my life—into my bed—just to kill you.”

He shrugged. “Kessler was my friend. I knew his parents, and they were kind to me. He was fucked up on drugs. I had the means to get him help, but I didn’t. I set. Him. On. Fire.” Anguish grew in his eyes. She could see it when the glow of the city lights reflected off his face.

“You should have told me.” Jersey shook her head.

Ian gazed out over the city. “It was a lie. Until I told you the truth, it felt like a lie. So I didn’t want to tell you—make it real, make it true. I just wanted it to go away. I’ve spent so much time trying to make my past just … go away. I wanted to be the one thing in your life that wasn’t terrible. So I kept you. And I waited for …” He shook his head. “I don’t even know.”

“You waited too long,” she whispered.

“I know. I lost you. I lost you to the arms of another man.”

“You didn’t lose me.” Her tone gained momentum as anger nipped at her. “You gave me up. You were going to send me back to Newark. I told you what would happen if you left that night. I begged you to stay. I begged you to love me.”

“I did love you!” He held his arms out to the side for several seconds before letting them flop to his sides.

“You wouldn’t kiss me.” She fisted her hands.

“You fucked another man, Jersey.”

“You wouldn’t kiss me.” Her voice remained steady in spite of the pain and anger just beneath the surface, desperate to be heard, to be felt.

“It’s not the same,” he said slowly through gritted teeth.

“It’s more,” she whispered as hot tears escaped her burning eyes. “When we kiss … that’s love. I didn’t let that other man kiss me.” She shook her head as her lips trembled. “Why … why wouldn’t you kiss me? L-love me? Why wouldn’t you just love me?” A sob ripped past her throat.

Ian stepped closer, his hand inching toward her face. When his thumb brushed along her tear-stained cheek, she leaned into his touch. He took another step until there were no more steps to take. “I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

Her body shook as she tried to swallow back the flood of pain.

“I shouldn’t have left that night. I’m sorry.”