Jane Doe(56)

I take a bite of bread pudding and it’s delicious. That joy will have to be enough for me.





CHAPTER 37

I call Steven at six in the morning to let him know I’m turning off my phone so I can be ready to get back to nature. He laughs at my silliness and says he’ll pick me up at seven for the three-hour drive.

Of course I don’t give a damn about getting back to nature, but I do care about leaving an electronic trail of texts and cell phone signals. The last thing I need is Steven texting me messages that could be used to ferret out the truth in a police investigation.

I leave my phone turned on and hide it in a dresser drawer in case I need to establish that I never left town. Then I pull an identical burner phone from its hiding place in the closet. No way am I going into the forest and not taking a phone. I may need to make a very convincing 911 call.

Speaking of, I’ve studied those. People say certain things during a real emergency and different kinds of things when they’re faking it and covering up a crime. I’ve got this down. All of my worry and fear will be focused on Steven. I won’t establish an alibi or theorize about what probably happened. I’ll be confused and cooperative and so scared for him. I’ll do exactly what the operator tells me, but I’ll frantically beg for more help for him.

But I hope to avoid all that entirely. Best to keep it as simple as possible.

I pack the used boots and jacket I just bought, along with a hat and mittens. I choose two changes of clothes, flannel pajamas, and a nearly transparent black nightgown in case I need to distract him or just screw him to sleep. Then I add a few more things to my duffel bag: latex gloves, my pocketknife, duct tape, zip ties, a small flashlight, and a collapsible shovel I bought along with the hunting gear. He’ll bring the gun, which is very thoughtful of him.

My flowery dress disguise won’t cut it today, so I wear skinny jeans and a sweater and pull on half boots with a heel so he can make fun of me for being impractical.

I put out an extra-large bowl of water for my cat and enough dry food to last for two days. I’m just sitting down to play with her when I realize there’s a bigger problem: if I need to go on the run, my cat will be trapped here alone. I don’t know if I’d feel worried or guilty per se, but I definitely wouldn’t like thinking about it. Shit.

I briefly consider smuggling her along on the hunting trip in my duffel bag. She might be quiet long enough to get an hour out of town, but Steven is so passionate in his hatred he could just leave us on the side of the road in retaliation. He might even decide to drive her all the way to the cabin and shoot her. I’d immediately kill him, of course, but that wouldn’t bring my cat back.

What to do?

I close my eyes and ponder the options. If things go badly and I do have to disappear, there will be a good reason. I’ll be under suspicion and the cops will come to the apartment regardless. So, at worst she’d be here for a week or so. Even if I jump the gun and run before the cops are looking for me, surely Luke will drop by to try to contact me. He would hear the cat meowing.

Decision made, I get up and put out another, larger bowl of dry food and a cake pan full of water. That should keep her going long enough to be discovered. I suppose if I were less selfish I’d leave a window open so she can escape, but I don’t want to take the chance of losing her. She’s mine, and I’ll need entertainment while I lie low and play the worried girlfriend.

When I return to the couch, my cat is staring at her favorite feather toy, waiting for me to pick up the stick it hangs from and make it move. She gives me a croaky meow of impatience and her eyes flash silver when she turns in my direction. I wonder if the couch will be intact when I return. It’s the first thing I’d destroy if I were her.

I play with her for fifteen minutes, admiring the vicious athleticism of her twisting, stretching body. I wish I could move like that. Wish I could suddenly expose curved claws above the little pink pads of my fingers. What a gift.

She eventually tires of me and slinks away to eat her breakfast and give herself a bath.

“Bye, cat,” I say as she deserts me.

I still have fifteen minutes to waste. I get out the letter for an extra jolt of inspiration. It works.





CHAPTER 38

Jane, it’s me. I’m so, so sorry.

I love you so much. You and my mom are the only people I don’t want to leave, but I can’t do this anymore.

Steven is my soul mate, and despite all our problems, I don’t know how to do this without him. We were going to have a life, a house, a family. Now I have nothing.

Maybe that’s what I deserve. He says I have nothing because I am nothing. It feels like he’s right. It feels like I’ve spent my whole life falling down, and I’m too broken to get back up and try anymore. I’m afraid to do it without someone to love.

Please don’t be mad at me, Jane. I’m so tired. I haven’t stopped crying all week. I just want to stop crying. I know you won’t understand that. You were always the strong one. The big sister I never had and always needed.

Please be strong for me now.

Thank you for letting me into your life. I should have listened to you about so many things.

I love you bunches, Jane. I love you always. Please forgive me.

Yours forever and ever,

Meg





CHAPTER 39