Jade Fire Gold(30)

“That scar on your face.” My hand goes up to my left cheek, tracing the old mark. “You were five years old, playing by yourself in the courtyard of our house. Back then, I was a general and we lived in the western district of the capital. Your nanny had gone to get something and when she came back, you were crying, and your face was bleeding. You told us that a bird had flown down from the sky and attacked you. I was furious and sent her away. You didn’t speak to me for two weeks until I brought her back. You were a stubborn child.” He laughs, and then stops abruptly when he looks at my ring again. “You took after your mother in that way.”

“What happened to her?” I ask, heart in my throat. “I don’t remember her. I was found in Shahmo alone.”

“She left.” The pain in his voice is clear. “You were showing signs of magic, and even though Emperor Ren Long had lifted the ban on all magic, many opposed him in secret. Your mother feared for your life, and she took matters into her own hands. I managed to track her down to Xinzhu but before I could get there, Ren Long was assassinated and the war against Honguodi began. I had to serve my country once again. Later, I found she’d left Xinzhu soon after, but to where I never knew. I was devastated, but my people needed me.”

He pauses and reaches for my hand. This time I don’t move away. His eyes are bright with tears when he looks up at me again.

“Family before self, country before family. That is the honorable way to live.”

That mother-shaped wound in me deepens. “I wish I knew what happened to her.”

“I wish I did, too. I do not believe for a moment that she would have left you alone if she could help it.” He sighs heavily. “Ahn-er, she loved you and did what she thought was best for you.”

The ache in my chest increases, the wretched feeling of guilt suffocating. I can’t hold back my tears.

“It’s my fault that Mother is gone. If I wasn’t born with magic, none of this would have happened. We’d be a family. She would—”

“Magic can be a gift, Ahn. None of this is your fault. The gods work in mysterious ways, and we can only abide by their wishes.”

“We were attacked on the way here. There was a man who tried to kill me. He called me a Life Stealer.”

“A Tiensai . . .” My father trails off, brow furrowing. “They are unorthodox, and they mean harm to our empire and people. Do not let them taint your views with their nonsensical beliefs. I’m glad you escaped their attack unscathed; we would not have this reunion otherwise.”

“Xima Leiye saved me,” I reveal. “Do you know him?”

“I was aware the priests had found a girl your age who had extraordinary magic, and I sent Lieutenant Bao to retrieve you, just in case. I hoped it would be you. I owe Leiye a great debt. He is a bright and ambitious young man. Unfortunate that he is the seventh son and illegitimate. He benefits from nothing but his father’s name and status.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Some traditions among the gentry are unfair, and in his case, he will have to make his own fortune because his brothers have staked claim on the marquis’s vast estate and his army. I was glad he joined the Diyeh priesthood, such talent should not go to waste. But”—my father pats my hand—“we are not here to talk about him.”

“I thought Leiye was going to take me to the priests,” I say in a small voice. “I thought I was going to be executed.”

“I am the premier; I can handle the priests.”

“But I have magic.” My heart starts to pound again. Do I tell him that I’ve murdered two men? Do I tell him how my magic frightens me? Do I tell him about the wicked voice in my head that urges me to use it?

But if I do, my father will surely disown me.

“There are two things you must understand. Firstly, I will never let anyone take you away from me again, and I will never let you suffer any hardship from this day forth. You will live here in the capital with me where I can protect you. Secondly, I am well aware of the nature of your magic. That was what scared your mother—”

“And she was right to be scared!”

“Ahn. Listen to me,” says my father, voice raised. “Everything is going to be all right. There is no need to worry, you are safe. Perhaps Leiye has told you something about a sword?”

I shudder. “He thinks I can find some fairy-tale sword that will stop the desert from destroying our land.”

“I see.” He’s silent for a few moments. “That is a matter for another day.”

He doesn’t elaborate any further. Instead, he starts to ask me about the past ten years of my life. I tell him about my village and Shahmo, and about Ama. He listens quietly, holding my hand as if he never wants to let go, patting it whenever my tears threaten to return. An unfamiliar warmth fills my chest. It seems like the gods have answered my prayers after all. But my joy is short-lived because of who I have left behind.

“How about my grandmother? Is there anything you can do for her?”

“What would you like to do?”

“Bring her here. She can live with me. She won’t be much of a bother to anyone. I’ll take care of her,” I say wildly.

My father pauses, considering my request.

I clasp his hands in mine. “Please.”