Invisible(60)
She felt dazed every time she thought of all the decisions she had to make, and there was no one to help her now. Not like Hamish. The fairy tale that her life had been for three years ended the day he died. She had no idea what would happen next.
Chapter 15
The delivery of Antonia’s second child would be very different from her first. Most of all because she wouldn’t have Hamish with her. The paparazzi still pursued her when she went out, even to the grocery store, hoping for tragic pictures of her, preferably crying. They followed her when she had Dash with her, or went anywhere. She hid in the house most of the time, and didn’t even let the nanny she’d hired take Dash to the park.
She didn’t feel up to caring for him herself. Some days she didn’t even get out of bed, and he was an exuberant seventeen-month-old as the date for her delivery drew closer. She didn’t feel like she could face photographers bursting in on her in the hospital or worse the delivery room, or hunting down the baby in the nursery.
She knew Hamish wouldn’t have approved, but the circumstances were different now. She contacted the midwife who had delivered Dash, and asked if she would be willing to do a home birth. She said she did them often, under a doctor’s supervision and consultation. Antonia had had no complications at the last birth, and expected none this time. She was twenty-five years old and in good health, and the baby seemed smaller than the last one. Hamish had hoped they’d have a girl if they had a second child, and Antonia hoped so too.
The midwife agreed to meet her at her doctor’s, although the due date was only two weeks away, to see if he’d agree to a home delivery. When they met in his office three days later, he had no objection to a midwife birth at home, and would be available himself in an emergency. There was always the possibility that something could go wrong, but on the whole, he saw no reason to oppose it, and gave the midwife the green light to do the delivery at home.
She came to the house the next day and explained to Antonia what they’d need. They would deliver her in her own bedroom, they needed plenty of plastic sheets and old towels, and she would bring an assistant midwife with her and a nurse. She was licensed to administer certain medications relating to the birth. Antonia was relieved not to have to leave her home. And Margaret and Brigid bought all the supplies. Antonia felt more peaceful and less anxious as soon as she made the decision, and the midwife came to examine her every few days to make sure that nothing had changed, and the baby was in the right position. So far it was head down, and already engaged. But her due date came and went and nothing happened. Dash had been a few days early, and this one was late, which was no surprise since she had been under incredible stress ever since her husband died. The midwife wasn’t concerned, and the baby wasn’t unduly large and hadn’t moved from the optimum position.
A week after her due date, she still hadn’t delivered. The midwife suggested long walks, but she was accosted by paparazzi the moment she left the house, so she was confined to her home, and the weather in November was stormy and terrible. All she could do was sit and wait, while the nanny played with Dash.
She was ten days overdue when her water broke with a gush and she found herself standing in a pool of water in her bathroom, and called the midwife. She came to check her, and it took another six hours for labor to start. Nothing was moving quickly this time, but it didn’t seem to matter. Whenever the baby came, Hamish wouldn’t be there to see it, she would be alone, and there would be no one to celebrate it with her except two midwives, a nurse, and Dash’s nanny. It seemed like a joyless event to her, which would only make her sadder, so she didn’t care how long it took or when it started.
Labor had started quickly the first time, and moved at a steady pace. This time it started slow, did nothing for several hours, and then hit her like a tidal wave, with pains so violent that she could hardly breathe when they were happening, or speak between them. She could hardly walk by the time the midwife arrived, twenty minutes after she called her.
“The pains are really awful this time,” she told the midwife, as she helped her into bed and was hit by another one. And it was agony when she examined her.
“The baby is coming down the birth canal very quickly,” she explained to Antonia, who was clutching the nurse’s hand and trying not to scream. “Maybe a little too fast,” the midwife said to her, and told her not to push, as she had last time, but this time it was impossible not to. She was screaming a minute later, and the midwife examined her again, and suspected what had happened. “The baby wants to come too fast, Antonia. You can’t push now. It’s got a shoulder wedged, and I’m going to have to move it, so we don’t wind up with a broken shoulder. We don’t want that.” She sounded professional and cool, glanced at her assistant and the nurse, and rapidly began the procedure, which was excruciating for Antonia, as they tried to dislodge the baby’s shoulder and shift its position. She succeeded after an agonizing quarter hour and by then Antonia was screaming and gasping for air between contractions.
“Can you give me drugs?” Antonia begged in a hoarse voice.
“It would slow things down,” the midwife said sympathetically. “Let’s just get the baby out quickly.” She told Antonia she could push then, which was nothing like the last time. Every push was an agony beyond belief, every contraction felt like it was tearing her apart. Several times, Antonia thought she was dying and about to lose consciousness. It was the worst experience of her life other than Hamish dying. At the end of two hours, she didn’t care if she lived or died, or if she ever saw the baby. All three women were urging her to push with all her strength or she would have to go to the hospital for a C-section. She didn’t care about that either, but the nurse was pressing down right above the baby, and shouting at her, and Antonia gave one last heroic push through the haze of excruciating pain, heard a wail that wasn’t her own, and quietly passed out.