Into the Light (The Light, #1)(85)

He kissed the top of my head. “We all have a past. This morning was your past, so was the day before and the one before that. If further back never comes, a year from now, this will be our past.”

A closed-lip smile came as I nodded.

“A past is as long or as short as we want to make it. When we came here to follow Father Gabriel, we chose to leave our lives in the dark behind.”

When his hold loosened, I rolled toward him. “I don’t want to go back to the dark. I just want to know, to have the memories. Is it wrong to want that?”

“To want it?” he repeated. “No. To question the reason it was taken from you, yes.”

I sighed. “That means that I can’t ask about it.”

Jacob leaned over me, his chest flattening my breasts. With our proximity in the darkened room, I could only make out his form, his shoulders, arms, and the silhouette of his hair against some distant faint light. There were no details. Hearing his familiar voice, without seeing his unfamiliar eyes, eased my anxiety. He smoothed the hair away from my face and kissed my nose. “We both follow Father Gabriel. You aren’t the only one who must obey the rules. I can’t question why you lost those memories any more than you can question me. All I can do is hold tight to the memories I have of us, for both of us. Even though you don’t remember my face, I remember yours.” He traced under my eyes, wiping away the remnants of tears. “I remember your beautiful blue eyes, the way they open with amazement at new discoveries and the way they flutter as you come apart beneath me.” He was back to stroking my hair. “I remember the first time we made love and every time since.

“I remember the first time I saw you, the first time I heard your voice, and”—he brushed his lips against mine—“the first time I kissed you.” He scoffed, “It wasn’t supposed to happen, but I couldn’t resist. I knew you were mine from the first time I saw you, even if you didn’t.”

His memories gave me a sliver of my past. “I didn’t?”

“No, not then. You were dating someone else.”

“What? That was before we were here, right?”

“Yes, it was before everything.”

He sighed and laid his head back on his pillow. I was afraid he’d stop talking, yet more scared to ask him to continue. Thankfully, he didn’t stop, but when he resumed speaking, his voice had a faraway tone, as if he was seeing it all again.

“You were laughing, and I thought you were one of the prettiest women I’d ever seen. You have a great laugh.” He reached for my hand and intertwined our fingers. “I know this crash course in remembering how to be an Assemblyman’s wife hasn’t given you many opportunities for laughter. That’s why I want your memories to come back. Sometimes it seems like we’re back at the beginning. I want to be beyond that . . .” He was back up with his elbow beside me and his head on his hand. Looking down at me, he continued, “To where you laugh instead of cry.”

“I’m sorry.”

He touched my lips. “To where you’re not constantly apologizing.”

I kissed his finger. “I’d like that too, but you have to admit, this hasn’t been easy. I mean my eyes, leg, and ribs. I’ve just gotten my sight back. We’ve been banished, and my hair is gone.”

“I do.” He exhaled. “I admit that it’s been a rough few weeks, but we can see the light at the end of the tunnel.”

“The Light?” I asked with a smirk.

“Yes. See? It’s something everyone wants.”

“I do see that, and I understand that we’re here, on the biggest campus, as part of the chosen.” I ran my palm over his handsome cheek. “And at one time, I chose to be here with you. Though I don’t remember that, I wanted it, and I still do. I want The Light.” I shook my head. “I’m sure that as we go forward there’ll be times when I mess up and you’ll correct me, but when I do, I’m asking you to understand that it’s not intentional. Today, driving off the campus made me sad. I want to go back. This pole barn and the hangar might not be the dark, but for the life of me, I don’t think I was driving away in your truck. I can’t imagine wanting to leave you or Father Gabriel. I mean, first off, you said we’re on the edge of the circumpolar north. Second, Father Gabriel travels by plane.” My volume rose. “Third, there are polar bears. None of that makes it even seem possible to drive away, and if it were, it wouldn’t be something I’d be willing to do alone.”

“Once our banishment is over and Father Gabriel reintroduces us to followers, the accident is over. Just like any other correction, it’s gone, as if it never happened.”

“Reintroduces us? Do you mean like in front of everyone?”

“Yes.”

I groaned and buried my head in his hard chest.

“Don’t make me tell you again about your hair and how proud I am to have you at my side.” His tone was somewhere between tender and stern.

“I think maybe I could wear a scarf.”

“Around your neck to stay warm.”

“A hat,” I tried.

“Sara.”

Yes, I was pushing this too far. “Fine, whatever you say. Jacob?”

“Do not suggest another head covering.”