Impossible to Forget(53)

But he loved someone else.

The whole time she had been suffering, wallowing in his silence and trying to interpret it, he had been happily tucked up with another. He had not been struggling to get his feelings in order or wondering how best to approach this new part of their life together, or any of the many other options that she had played out in her head. No, he was just in love, plain and simple. There had been barely any word from him because he was too busy screwing another woman.

Angie wouldn’t cry. Not only would she not give him the satisfaction of it, but there were no tears to be had within her. She had learned that years ago – if you cried, or showed any kind of weakness, then someone else would step in and take advantage whilst your mind was elsewhere.

‘Right,’ she said instead. She wouldn’t ask him for details, wouldn’t give him the chance to absolve his guilt by trying to explain himself, but it seemed that she couldn’t stop him telling her.

‘I went back to college,’ he said. ‘To get some skills, so I can get a job. I met Sam there and we just kind of clicked.’

Angie couldn’t care less about how they had ‘clicked’. She didn’t care about his college course and she didn’t care about Sam. All that mattered now was her and Romany.

‘That’s that then,’ she said. ‘Well, you’d better go.’ She stood up to indicate that the conversation had come to an end.

Jax looked surprised. ‘What? Just like that? But I’ve come all this way.’

‘Not my problem,’ replied Angie.

‘Can’t I even hold her?’

Angie tightened her hold around her daughter. All her instincts were screaming at her to protect her child. But then she remembered her own parents, how her mother had driven her father away before she had had the chance to form any memories of him, and then driven her away too. She thought of her freshly minted promise to Romany that she would not let history repeat itself, that she would always be the best mother that she could be. Jax had let her down. He had let her down in ways that she couldn’t even begin to get her head round just yet. But that was between her and Jax. It was nothing to do with Romany. Jax would always be her father, no matter what happened between the two of them.

Using every ounce of strength that she had, she straightened her arms and passed a wriggling Romany over to him. He took her, holding her under her arms, her legs kicking beneath her. Then he pulled her into his chest and held her tightly. His face twisted and tears began to trickle down his cheeks as he stroked her fair, wispy hair. Angie watched dispassionately, shielding her heart from any emotional response, just as she had learned to do as a child.

Romany began to grizzle and Jax threw Angie an anxious look, seeking guidance on what he should do.

‘She’s hungry,’ Angie said flatly.

She took the baby back and immediately Romany began to root against her T-shirt, banging her little head on Angie’s collarbone in frustration.

‘Maybe I should go,’ said Jax uncertainly.

‘Yes. Probably,’ Angie replied.

He looked lost and forlorn and filled with regret, but he only had himself to blame for her response. She sat down on the sofa and began to prepare to feed Romany. She didn’t look at him.

‘Is that it, then?’ he asked, making one last stab at getting her to engage, feeble though it was. Four words to save four years.

Angie had to make a choice. He seemed to want to keep in touch on some level, although there had been no suggestion of any financial contribution which would have been the most help. If it were up to her, she would let him leave and drop all contact. But this wasn’t about her. It was about Romany. She needed to leave the door open for her child.

‘Let’s see, shall we?’ she said.

It was the best she could offer.





28





2006


Having a party for her fortieth birthday had seemed like such a great idea to Maggie back in January when she and Angie had first mooted it. Angie had also turned forty earlier that year but, as she had pointed out, Maggie’s house was far more suitable for a grown-up party than her little flat. And so Maggie, wooed by the idea of a social occasion that was too far away to worry about, had agreed. But now that the event was upon her, she was far less convinced.

It was never going to be a big do. Maggie had invited her team from the office plus their partners, which amounted to around thirty people. She could have told herself it had been a conscious decision to stick to just this social group so that everyone got along, which would make for a better party, but in truth Maggie knew that her colleagues were her social group. She had neither the time not the inclination to nurture any other friendships.

And anyway, she had her ‘uni bunch’, which was how she described them to anyone who asked. Angie and Romany were coming, as were Leon and Becky with their sons Thomas and James. And possibly Tiger. Maggie knew it was doubtful that Tiger would show up. She wasn’t even convinced that he would have got the invitation. Angie said that he did pop into internet cafés from time to time so he might have seen her email, but if he had then he hadn’t bothered to reply. So, whenever the butterflies had started up in her stomach at the possibility of seeing him, Maggie had wafted them away. She needed to grow out of Tiger.

The weather forecast was appalling so, of course, they were having a barbecue, with carefully selected meat alternatives for the vegetarians. In the planning stage, she had pictured her guests milling happily on the lawn in the late afternoon sunshine and only drifting inside when the autumn chill sent them in search of warmth. And even then, she’d secretly hoped that they would stay outside and not traipse dirt into her house. But there was no hope of that now. All her guests, adults and children alike, would have to be entertained indoors.