If This Gets Out(78)

All the good feelings come once the conversation is over, though. And right now, it feels like everything is going badly. Saturday is spinning out of control and I can’t stop it. Having Mom on my side is one of the few constants, and this could change that. It shouldn’t, but that’s the thing about people—sometimes they do things that you don’t expect. Plus, it’s possible Mom is cool with queer people as long as they’re not me.

But with everything going on, I want her to know about me, even if I can’t predict how she’ll react. I am bi, and I have a boyfriend. She should know. And it’s not like I’m ashamed about being into guys or dating Ruben.

I just don’t want to let her down.

The call ends.

I missed it.

I let out a breath, and shake my shoulders. I’ve performed in front of thousands of people and haven’t felt even slightly nervous, but I’d pick a concert over this any day. I’d even pick one where I have to perform in my underwear and I don’t know the lyrics.

I lift my shaking hands, and call Mom back, starting a video call. We didn’t do this until the start of this tour, but speaking face-to-face is just nicer now that we’re so far away.

It rings once.

“Hello!” she says. She’s still dressed in her work uniform, but her hair is loose, hanging around her shoulders in messy light-brown curls. She must’ve called me the second she got home from her shift. “How’s it going?”

“I’m good, how are you?”

Mom frowns. “All right, what’s up?”

“What?”

“You’re wearing your moody shirt and you’re being weird.”

“I’m not being weird!”

Mom’s time working in healthcare has given her zero tolerance for crap. Patients who keep secrets from her out of shame or whatever piss her off because they make her job way harder.

“Okay, you’re right. I actually do have something I want to tell you.”

“I’m shocked.”

“Can we be serious for five seconds?”

“I’m sorry, I’ll put on my serious Mom face. What’s going on, sweetums?”

“You’re the worst.”

“Come on, tell me. Let me guess, you’re dating someone?”

I pause.

“Er…”

“Oh, you are! That’s so great, who is she? Look at you, you’re blushing, this is precious. You know, I thought this would happen while you were overseas, you scoundrel.”

“Mom, stop. Um…”

Tears fill my eyes.

Just saying this is really hard. Way harder than I was even expecting. And I want to say it because I know if I don’t do it right now I’m going to talk myself out of this and telling her is the whole point of this call. I should just do it so that it’s done.

“Mom, the thing is, I kind of like guys. I’m bi.”

“Oh.”

I know for the rest of my time on this earth I’m going to remember what she says next.

“How long have you been feeling like this?”

“A while.”

“All right, wow. I had no idea.”

“Really?”

“Okay, maybe I had some idea. A few of my friends said it could be possible, but you never gave off a vibe to me. I had no clue.”

“But you have thought about it?”

“As much as any mom does.”

“Then why did you say you had no idea?”

“I thought you’d want to hear that.”

“Why would I want to hear that?”

“I don’t know, Zach. I wasn’t expecting to have this dropped on me right now. I’m exhausted.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just thought now would be a good time because…”

I don’t know how to finish this sentence, because I’m not even sure why I thought this was a good time. Clearly, I thought wrong.

“Don’t be sorry, it’s okay.” She tears up. “I feel like I’ve let you down. I don’t care about you being bi or gay or anything, I just wish you’d told me sooner. I could’ve helped you through this. Jesus, Zach, we’re not even in the same country.”

“I know. I think this is one of the things I needed to figure out on my own. Being overseas helped, I think.”

“Oh. But you know you could’ve talked to me at any point, though, right?” Her voice has an edge to it.

“Definitely.”

“How many people know?”

“Um, the band, and I had to tell Chorus, because it’s my job, you know?”

“Right.” She sniffs. “I’m sorry, this just reminds me of your dad. You’re so like him these days, it scares me sometimes.”

“How am I like Dad?”

“I thought I’d made it clear to both of you that you could talk to me about anything, but you both kept huge secrets from me, and I don’t know why.”

Whoa.

It sounds like she just equated me being bi with him cheating on her.

“Listen, Zach, I’m really tired and I’m worried I’m messing this up. So I think I’m going to go, can we talk about this later?”

“Sure, that’s fine.”