If This Gets Out(44)

It’s a perfect spot.

I know we don’t have much time, but sitting on the bench, with a stroopwafel, seems exactly right, the kind of moment I’ve always wanted to have here. I can think about my parents and everything that happened, and hopefully try to understand them both a little better. Normally I just think of my dad as an asshole, but maybe he wasn’t always one. Maybe he was a different guy when he was here. He got Mom to like him, so he must not have always seemed like a selfish dickwad.

Golden lights run along the edges of the canal and cross the closest bridge. I can hear the gentle movement of the water and the occasional sound of a passing car.

“Stroopwafel?” I say, offering Ruben the packet, making the plastic crinkle.

He opens it, and takes out one of the waffles. I take one out, too.

I take a bite of my stroopwafel, and then let out a moan, and lean back against the bench. Ruben tries his, and does exactly the same thing. It’s sugary and crispy and just the right amount of chewy.

“So, these are fucking delicious,” he says.

“Right?”

Silence falls while we eat.

He said we don’t have to talk, but if it were ever going to happen, it’d be here. Maybe I do get the power of this place, now.

“I really am sorry, by the way,” he says, out of nowhere.

“Oh, that’s okay. Interviews are stressful, I get it.”

“I’m not talking about the interview.”

“Oh. What are you talking about?”

“That night.”

Oh.

Oh.

Even though it’s terrifying, I can’t keep running from it. I’ve done that for long enough. I’ve known Ruben for years. He used to be my best friend. I can and should be able to talk to him about everything.

But it’s him, though. He somehow feels like both the easiest and hardest person to tell.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry about.” I want to say: I liked it, because I’m bi.

“Yeah, I do. We were both drunk, and it wasn’t a big deal, and I shouldn’t have taken it so personally. I mean, I know you’re straight. It’s not like you lied to me about it. And I want you to know we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want to, but I wanted to get that out of the way first.” He picks at his waffle, then gives a strained laugh. “We can change the subject now if you want.”

I cross my arms. I hope if he notices that I’m shaking, he’ll think it’s because of the cold, not because of nerves. What I want to say is: I’m not straight.

“I’m not upset it happened or anything,” is what I actually say.

“You aren’t?”

“Nope.”

“You’ve seemed pretty mad.”

“I haven’t been mad. I’ve been, um, scared I guess.”

“Oh. Oh.”

I chew my lip.

“Zach, you know you can talk to me about anything, right? Even if we’re fighting. If it’s important, I’m here, no matter what.”

“Yeah. I guess that’s why I’ve been keeping my distance, because I know we could talk about it, and it freaks me out.”

“Why?”

I’m hunched over, and suddenly I’m very distracted by my leather bracelet. “I know it’s not normal, but like, talking about this stuff scares the crap out of me.”

“What do you mean? Like, your feelings?”

“Yep.”

“What’s scaring you about it?”

“I have this fear, I guess. Of like, telling someone I care about something about me, and having them stare at me. Or they’ll point and laugh and not want to be friends anymore.”

“You think I’d point and laugh at you?”

“Well, no, but anxiety isn’t exactly rational, you know? I think a part of it is, I think people like me how I am. And if I change, people might stop liking me.”

“Right.” He leans back. “Well, that’s never gonna happen with me.”

“That’s not true. It already did.”

Ruben pauses, and there’s something questioning in his eyes.

“Listen,” he says. “I might’ve had thoughts about the way things went down, but I never stopped liking you. I can’t promise I’ll still like you if you turn into a serial killer, or, like, a neo-Nazi or something, but otherwise you’re pretty much good.”

“Okay.” I stop myself, then push through. “There’s something I want to tell you, like, about me, but it’s really hard to say.”

“You know, I’ve spent a lot of time theorizing about what might have been going on in your head over the last week. I can run some theories by you, and if one of them sounds accurate, you can nod or something? Would that make it easier?”

I shove my hands into my jacket pockets and nod.

“So,” he clears his throat. “You kissed me because you were drunk and you would’ve kissed anyone in the same room as you.”

I don’t move.

“You’ve had kissing a guy on your bucket list and you saw a chance to get it done but hated it and didn’t know how to tell me?”

I keep still again.

“You were so drunk you thought I was a girl and when you woke up in the morning you freaked out because you’d kissed a guy.”