If I Never Met You(85)

‘What for?’

‘For not protecting you from your father. I knew what he was. I knew what he was from the moment I told him I was pregnant, and he said, “What did you do that for?”’

Laurie gasped, despite herself. ‘No. I feel like we may have spent quite a lot of time putting feelings on each other that belonged with Dad. He kept marking those parcels Not Known At This Address, didn’t he? Sending them back.’

‘You are a very clever, very emotional girl.’

‘Emotional!’ Laurie said ruefully, with a smile, wiping her eyes.

‘Emotionally wise, I mean. You have been since you were a little girl, with those watchful eyes. You take it all in. I’m sorry if you should’ve taken less in.’

Peggy started sobbing, to Laurie’s shock and she said: ‘Hey don’t do that, come on. I’m OK!’

She held her mum tightly. Laurie hadn’t realised that in asking for help, she was also offering it.

Laurie seated Peggy and Wanda with a glass of red in the front room while she put the spinach and feta filo pie in the oven, enjoying looking after them.

Over the meal, Wanda said, ‘You were always a good cook, Laurie. Remember when you made cheese toasties for about eleven people?’

‘Oh yes! I used to love doing that. Worcestershire sauce was my secret weapon.’

‘You know who I found the other day, Dundee the badger!’ Peggy said.

‘Dundee!’

‘Dundee?’ Wanda said.

‘I saw the name on a map and I loved it. I used to say I was going to call my son Dundee,’ Laurie said. ‘My daughter was going to be Fife.’

Laurie noticed she could say this, without loss. Maybe she would have kids. Maybe she’d have them, with someone less selfish than Dan. Think big.

‘She couldn’t ever be apart from that badger, Wanda. Years and years and it went everywhere with her. Your father would send you those huge teddies and toys. When you did tea parties, Dundee had to have the highest chair at the head of the table and get his tea first, in case he thought you were favouring the new arrivals.’

‘Haaah. I’d forgotten that!’

‘You are a loyal person. When someone has your loyalty, it’s for life.’

‘Yes well, you keep Dundee safe for me,’ Laurie said, topping her mum up, feeling self-conscious at the praise.

Laurie had earlier explained the pudding, vanilla ice cream, espresso and liqueur: ‘It’s an Italian dessert, affogato.’ Wanda had looked enraptured at the idea.

‘Shall we have the ice cream? Let’s have ice cream!’ she said now, as if this was the most transgressive thing that three adults could do. ‘Let me get it!’

Wanda also insisted on clearing the plates. Laurie knew it was fruitless to stop her, Wanda was one of those kinetic people with need to always be doing.

During the noises offstage, her mum looked around and said, ‘Keeping this beautiful place on your salary. What a successful woman you are.’

‘Thanks. I don’t feel very successful at the moment.’

‘You miss him?’

Laurie nodded. There was a pause full of Miles Davis, which Laurie had put on to please Wanda.

‘I still don’t know exactly what went wrong. I know I’m bright, Mum. Why can’t I figure out what went wrong with Dan?’

This was as open and raw as Laurie had been about the situation with anyone, and she hadn’t predicted it would come tumbling out with her mum. Yet she knew why it had, even without their confidential in Whitworth Park.

Whatever miscommunications, whatever differences, your mum was your mum. She was the earthing cable in your circuitry. There were still things you could say to her you couldn’t say to anyone else. The connection with someone who had changed your nappies and was trusted with Dundee the badger went deep. You couldn’t deny the power of history, and genetics.

‘I think I know what happened, but do you want to hear it? You won’t get cross with me?’

This surprised Laurie, that her mum had thought about it.

‘I definitely want to hear it.’

‘Daniel was able to flourish in your partnership, because you gave him the confidence, and because of that, he used you as base camp for his adventures. Your father used to do the same to me.’

‘Oh … I guess …?’

Laurie didn’t immediately recognise this as true, and yet when she thought on, she remembered numerous times she had urged Dan to aim high or to have times. The headship promotion at work. The fateful stag do; she’d encouraged him to go. She’d still been pro lads weekends away afterwards, in part to make it clear she trusted him. Nights out. Seeing his parents, visiting his sister in London. The running.

She worried the life she’d built for them had become a cage to Dan, she’d missed the part where she’d supported his every interest and freedom. It was, as her mum said, a base camp.

‘Sooner or later, Daniel stopped realising it was you who gave him the strength, the foundation,’ Peggy continued. ‘He thought life could be only adventure, without you. When he realises what he has done, he will regret it very much. But first he’ll need to recognise the value of what he had, in order to mourn it.’

Laurie nodded. She wasn’t at all sure this would ever come to pass, but it matched up so neatly with Emily’s take, and that alone was satisfying. If their perspectives only meant that they both saw what Laurie had done for Dan, that was enough.