If I Didn't Know Better (The Callaways #9)(13)

As he walked across the room to turn off the lights, he couldn't help thinking how empty and bare this house was in comparison to the one next door. While he'd tried to make Ashlyn's room cheerful and bright, he hadn't bothered to change anything in the rest of the house, and most of the furniture was beige or black, with no personality. The house had been furnished to be a serviceable rental, and it was comfortable enough, but it didn't feel like a home.

Then again, did he even know what home felt like? It had been a long time since he'd lived in any house that felt like a home.

He walked up the stairs and opened the door to Ashlyn's bedroom. Taking a quiet step into the room, he saw that she was asleep. She was a tiny figure in the middle of the double bed, but tonight she had a friend with her—the old doll Mia had given to her.

The sight of that doll with its tattered yellowed dress and cracked porcelain face brought mixed emotions. He was happy that Ashlyn had found something she liked, but he didn't understand why she'd chosen this doll over the brand new ones he'd given her, the ones that had been tossed in a heap in the bedroom closet.

For some reason, this doll felt like a rejection of him and an acceptance of Mia, a woman Ashlyn had met hours earlier. What was that about?

He had to admit he felt a little jealous at the connection Ashlyn had made with Mia. He'd been working his ass off trying to get his daughter to look at him, to talk to him, with no results, and then Mia showed up, and his kid suddenly was interested in life again.

Whatever works, he told himself; the important thing was that Ashlyn had found something to care about. It was a step in the right direction.

He was about to leave the room when Ashlyn began to mutter and kick at the covers. Hesitating, he wasn't sure what to do. He didn't want to wake her and scare her. But he also wanted to comfort her.

He was halfway to the bed when she sat up straight and let out a piercing scream, her eyes flying open.

His heart jumped into his throat. Since he'd picked her up from foster care, he'd barely heard her voice above a whisper, so the shrill sound shook him to the core. And it wasn't just the volume; it was also the raw fear in the scream that made him rush to her side.

He tried to put his arms around her, but she pushed him away and scooted back against the head of the bed, staring at him as if he were a monster, but there was a glaze over her eyes that made him wonder if she was seeing him at all.

"It's okay, Ashlyn. You're just having a bad dream," he said in a quiet, firm voice.

She didn't even blink.

"You're safe. I'm here. I'm taking care of you. No one will hurt you, baby."

He didn't know if he was getting through at all, but as the seconds ticked by, her breath started to come more evenly. Her eyes focused on his face as she came fully awake.

He let out a breath, feeling as if he'd just dodged a bullet.

Then she shocked him when she said, "I want Mommy."

His heart broke at the anguish in her eyes, the plea for him to give her the only thing she really wanted—her mother.

"I know you want your mom. I wish she could be here, too." He spoke slowly, trying to choose his words carefully. He didn't know how to explain death to a child, and he didn't want to make things worse. But she was looking to him for answers, and he had to give her something. "We're going to be okay—you and me," he continued. "I know it doesn't seem like that right now, but we'll get to know each other. I think you might like me if you give me a chance."

He swallowed hard, her stare challenging and unnerving. He'd never wanted to meet someone's expectations more than he did now.

"I'm going to take care of you," he said. "You'll be safe with me, because I will never ever let anyone hurt you. That's a promise, Ashlyn. When I make a promise, I keep it."

She blinked twice, and then slowly got back under the covers. She reached for her doll and hugged it tightly against her chest. The doll was almost as big as she was.

He tucked the covers around her body and said, "Every day will get easier, Ash. We've spent a lot of time getting set up here, but we'll start having fun. We'll go to the beach and surf the waves. Have you ever gone bodysurfing? It's fun. And there are some great bike trails that go along the beach. We can explore them together. It's going to be good. This is going to work."

As he said the words, he felt a bit desperate to convince not only Ashlyn but also himself. He was sailing in uncharted territory, but he was not going to go under. Failure wasn't an option. Not with this relationship. It was the most important relationship of his life.

He wanted to kiss Ashlyn's cheek, smooth her hair, but he was afraid if he touched her, he'd unsettle her again. So he just kept talking in a soothing voice about what they could do in town. As he spoke about the charms of Angel's Bay, he realized that he'd chosen a good place to start over. The town had bored him as a teenager, but as a child he'd loved exploring the beach, the hidden caves, taking bike rides, flying kites, and participating in any number of somewhat cheesy festivals and events that the town liked to put on.

"We're going to be all right," he said again as Ashlyn's eyes closed.

He watched her for another ten minutes, and then he got up and walked out of the room.

He left the door of her room ajar to make sure he could hear her if she needed him again. He couldn't believe she'd actually spoken three words in a row. It was just heartbreaking that those words had been "I want Mommy".