Iced Out (Leighton U #1)(92)

Hollow.

And I hate knowing I’m the reason. It cuts me to my core.

Which is why all I can do is shake my head.

“Well then, there you go. You got your answer. Now you can go,” he says, tossing his hand toward the elevator.

Defeat slams into me like a tidal wave, and it’s then I realize I might never get through to him. Might never have the chance to explain what he means to me, how much I care.

The extent I would go to make this right between us.

Which is why, though I know I should, I don’t make a move to leave like he’s telling me.

“I hope you know…I really am sorry. I didn’t know Braxton would take things as far as he did. If I did, I would’ve—”

Quinton’s fist slams against the wall behind him in frustration before he leans back against it. Two rows of perfect, white teeth gnaw at his bottom lip while he takes a deep breath, and I can tell he’s trying to rein in his temper.

Something that hasn’t taken control of him in quite some time now.

Then again, I’ve always been the person to make it burn the hottest.

Another deep, long sigh comes from him before he finally speaks. “Don’t fucking lie to me again, Oakley. We both know you wouldn’t. And the reason I know that is because you keep tossing Braxton’s name at me like you’re not equally at fault here. You might not have committed the crime, but you still knew. You could’ve cost me my future in hockey. And you didn’t do a fucking thing to make it right, even after things with us…” He trails off with a shake of his head, eyes darting toward the floor. “You might not have held the gun, but you still helped pull the trigger. You’re responsible for your choices. Now you have to live with them.”

He’s right. Every person on this planet has to live with the choices they make and suffer the consequences of them too.

The problem here is…I can’t live with mine. Because it means living without him.

A somber cloud forms over both of us, twisting and coiling as it waits for the perfect moment to start a downpour of emotions. All the ones I’ve been doing my best to hold in over the past few weeks, if only to make it through the rest of the season.

But I feel it all coming to a head as tears well in those ice blue eyes I know better than my own.

Despite clearing his throat, his voice is grated, like it’s been dragged over shards of shattered glass. And the sound of it pierces my heart.

But not nearly as much as the words he speaks.

“Just let me ask you this. Did the end justify the means?”

No.

And just like that, the storm swirling around us unleashes.

Shame and regret courses through me, because the answer came so quickly, it should’ve been obvious months ago. It shouldn’t have taken me standing here, begging for him to see me or listen to what I have to say, to realize what I did was just…fucked up.

Even if I didn’t act on it, I still planted a seed capable of ruining Quinn’s career—his entire future in the NHL. And for what? To be team captain for one fucking season? To fulfill some role in a legacy I won’t even be passing on to another generation of Reeds after me? To keep from having to play with him?

It’s disgusting, and it’s a bitter pill to swallow. I just can’t believe I didn’t make this realization sooner.

Nothing is worth ruining the hard work and determination of someone else.

It sure as hell isn’t worth losing him.

I nod a couple times, swallowing harshly before meeting his gaze. “You’re right. It wasn’t justified. And sure, the me five months ago wouldn’t have stopped him. But it doesn’t change the fact that the me standing in front of you right now would. Yeah, sure,” I say, tossing my arms out to my sides, “I wanted to be captain. I wanted to see you get knocked down a peg or two or ten, but it’s no fucking reason for me to do what I did. I should have known and realized it, but I didn’t. And I’m sorry for it. I really, truly am. But you have to understand I’m not the guy from before.”

“Before?”

“Before I saw past the bullshit, Quinn.” I lick my lips and step closer to him “When I got to see who you really were, it all started changing. Shifting, and no matter how many times I tried to make it stop, I was fucking helpless to it.”

His nod is grim, matching the thin line his mouth creates. “Not a good place to be for someone who loves control, is it?”

I shake my head, a long sigh slipping past my lips.

Not at all, babe. Not at fucking all.

“I don’t know…what you expect to come from all this.” He rubs the back of his neck before dropping it to his side again. “What do you want?”

So many things. But the most important is…to not lose you.

“For you to forgive me,” I whisper. “It doesn’t need to be today or tomorrow or next week or in a month. But I want your forgiveness, however long it takes to get it.”

Giving in to my urge to touch him, I close the couple feet of distance between us.

“Hit me. Hurt me. Get your payback. Your revenge. I don’t care what you do or how you do it, but please, do something. Fucking anything is better than this.” My throat feels raw and shredded from shards of glass as I repeat the words he said the day he flipped my world on axis. “Fight me, baby. There’s nothing I want more.”