I'll Stop the World (30)

“I-I don’t—That’s not—” Lisa stammered, trying to come up with the right thing to say. In her head, the election was such a clear gateway. She’d step through, and everything would be different on the other side. But when she tried to explain why she felt that way, the words danced just out of her reach, fizzling to dust the instant she touched them.

Charlene took a deep breath, her shoulders trembling slightly. She hugged her arms to her chest, her green eyes watery. “Be honest. Do you love him? Is that why you won’t break up with him?”

Lisa opened and closed her mouth, unable to form the words she knew Charlene wanted to hear. The truth was, she did love him. Not in the way he loved her, but she cared about him. She was one of few people who knew him for who he truly was, who kept the secrets no one else knew. She couldn’t abandon him, not now. Not when he had trusted her with so much.

Would it help for her to admit that out loud, or just make everything worse? She couldn’t decide.

The silence between them stretched out excruciatingly.

Charlene closed her eyes for a few seconds, then opened them, giving Lisa a tight smile. “That wasn’t fair. I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”

She chewed her lip, and Lisa could tell there was more she wasn’t saying. She had hoped that after last night, after what they’d said to each other, everything was okay now. That Charlene wouldn’t feel threatened by Shawn, that Lisa wouldn’t feel torn between them, and that things could just go on as they had been. Better, even, because she’d said it. Out loud. The L-word. Or, not the L-word, but they both knew what it meant.

She’d never been able to say it to Shawn. Not any version of the L-word. Shouldn’t that count for something? Didn’t Charlene know what a big deal that was?

Lisa waited for Charlene to say what they both knew she was thinking, while desperately hoping she wouldn’t.

“The thing is,” Charlene said slowly, “I know it’s hard for you. But it’s hard for me, too. I thought I would be able to handle it, but . . . I don’t know if I can anymore.”

She shifted so her back was to the fire, blocking Lisa’s view of Shawn, and his of her. Charlene took Lisa’s hand in hers, winding their fingers together. “I don’t want to lose you,” she said, looking down at their hands. “But I also know I can’t keep doing . . . whatever this is.”

She waved her free hand at the air between them, indicating that by this, she meant the messy, undefined something that bound them together. “I think I just need some space.”

Lisa’s heart raced. She clutched Charlene’s hand, as if she were a kite Lisa could keep from slipping away just by gripping tighter. “For how long?”

Charlene sighed and looked up at the night sky, blinking rapidly. “I don’t know. I need to figure out some stuff on my own, I think. I’ve been trying to be strong, because I thought you needed me to be strong, but the truth is, I don’t think I am. And I can’t keep pretending that this is all fine with me when it’s not.”

“But—” Lisa’s heart beat frantically, threatening to shatter, and break her chest, all at once. “But you’re saying that if I do break up with him—”

“Not if anything, Lees. This isn’t an ultimatum. You do what you need to do, and I’ll do what I need to do, and we’ll see where that takes us.”

“But last night . . . we said—Char, I—”

“Lettuce you,” Charlene whispered with tears in her eyes, dropping Lisa’s hand.

Lisa felt her body turning to stone. She stood rooted in place, staring at Charlene. Had that really just happened?

Footsteps approached, and Shawn appeared over Charlene’s shoulder, a wide smile lighting up his face. “There you are!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” He reached for Lisa’s hand, but she moved away, crossing her arms. The thought of him touching her now, while her heart was breaking, was more than she could bear.

“Well, you found us,” she said, trying to remember what smiling felt like. She hoped she had come close.

“Hey, Charlene,” Shawn said, turning his sparkling grin toward her.

“Hey.” Charlene’s eyes were on the ground, the house, the sky, anywhere but on Lisa or Shawn.

“You want to go sit with Noah and Steph?” Shawn asked, turning back to Lisa. “They’ve got a blanket near the fire.”

“Um,” Lisa said, looking uneasily from Shawn to Charlene. She needed him to leave, needed to be alone with Charlene, needed to fix this. “It’s just, Charlene and I were kind of in the middle of—”

“It’s fine,” Charlene said. “I was just leaving.”

“Oh,” Lisa said, her stomach aching like it was slowly filling with cement. “Are you sure you didn’t want to . . .”

She trailed off as Charlene walked away, not even waiting until Lisa had finished her sentence. Her whole body felt like it had turned to glass. One tap, and she would shatter.

Shawn looked from Charlene to Lisa, his forehead crinkled. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah. Fine,” Lisa said. Her voice sounded like it was coming from far away. Roaring filled her ears.

Shawn cleared his throat, then reached for Lisa’s hand. “Anyway, let’s go—”