I Wish You All the Best(78)

Nathan: Missed you today, I got your homework from the office.

Nathan: Mel and Sophie wanted me to check in, see if you’re okay.

Nathan: Did you know it’s male peacocks who have all the colorful plumage? the females are sort of bland looking.



I can’t help but laugh at the last one because it screams Nathan. I really don’t deserve someone like him.

No one does.

Nathan: I can keep sending random facts if you want!

Nathan: Or videos of puppies!!!



He’s sent five, and I watch all of them. I want to reply, to let him know that I’m at least safe. But something in me is just keeping me from typing the simplest of messages.

I am okay.

For some reason, it’s easier to text Mariam. The words come easier with them.

Me: hey

Mariam: Hey Benji, what’s up???

Me: Something happened…

Mariam: uh-oh

Me: I met with my parents.



The little bubble beside Mariam’s name appears and reappears over and over again for almost a full minute.

Me: you okay?

Mariam: me? Okay? Ben are YOU okay????

Mariam: sorry, I just…

Mariam: Couldn’t even think of what to say to that Mariam: Ben… what happened?



I tell them everything. The message, meeting with Mom and Dad, them showing up at the art show and the fight with Hannah. The texting already feels easier. Maybe it’s because Mariam isn’t actually here. I can’t see their face while I tell them this, and they won’t run over from their house to come and try to comfort me or whatever.

Mariam: Are you safe?

Me: Yeah, they’re gone.

Mariam: Ben… I don’t even know where to begin…

Me: They wanted me to go back home with them.

Me: I told them no

Mariam: THE. FUCK.

Mariam: Send me their address, I’m going to go kick their asses Mariam: What can I do?

Me: keep me company?

Mariam: You got it, want to Facetime?

Me: Not right now.

Me: Just keep talking, not about them.

Mariam: Well…

Mariam: me and Shauna made it official, which sucks because my tour will take me out of California next week and she can’t come with me.

Me: That’s great! The official part, not the separating part.



Nothing feels faker than typing out false enthusiasm while I feel like I’m rotting from the inside out.

Me: I don’t think you told me how you met.

Mariam: The usual way. I kept seeing her at a Starbucks and I melted slowly into a puddle of anxiety until she actually came up to me and we started talking.

Me: Love at first anxiety attack Mariam: That’s how I roll.

Mariam: What about you, what’s going on with your boy troubles?

Me: I don’t know… he was there, like he saw the fight and stuff.

Mariam: Please tell me they didn’t out you Me: They didn’t



If there was a silver lining in all of this, I suppose it was that.

Me: But I…

Me: I think I like him. Like really like him. Maybe more than that.

Mariam: That’s great, Benji! I’m so happy for you Mariam: Now how do we make the grand declaration of love? I’ve got those cannons that shoot t-shirts.

Mariam: Or a flash mob? We can all dance to a Carly Rae Jepsen song and then you pop out in the middle with one of those ‘Will You Go Out With Me’ signs



I want to laugh. I want to laugh so badly, but I can’t make myself do it.

Me: It’ll never happen

Mariam: Why?

Me: I’m too messy

Mariam: Messy?



I take deep breaths. There’s that weird feeling in my stomach again.

Me: He deserves something simpler.

Me: And I’m not that

Mariam: Don’t you think that’s his call to make?

Me: I don’t want to hurt him Me: And I don’t want him to hurt me.

Mariam: sometimes it’s worth it Mariam: Never know until you try right?

Me: maybe.



“Ben?” Hannah’s voice almost makes me jump. “You okay?”

I don’t answer.

I want to, but I can’t right now. It’s too much. And in all honesty, Hannah’s one of the last people I want to talk to right now.



I miss an entire week of school. Which isn’t smart since it’s getting so close to exam season, but I don’t care. It feels like I can’t move half the time, and there’s no way I can face everyone at North Wake yet. The only time I get up is to use the bathroom. Every other free moment is spent watching something on my phone. One of Mariam’s new videos, or Bob Ross painting something. Anything to take the edge off.

Thomas brings me food, but I can only nibble at it, even though it feels like my stomach is trying to digest itself. I don’t have much of an appetite. “Hannah made an appointment with Dr. Taylor tomorrow. She has an opening after lunch.”

I notice that it’s not a request. I’ll be going to this appointment, even if they have to drag me out of bed. I’ll have to tell Dr. Taylor I’ve been neglecting my meds. I know not taking them is only making things worse, but I just can’t bring myself to take them, I don’t know why.